TempeBrenn

God I need Your help.

Please let this be my last drunk. You can do anything. Lift this burden from me. I no longer want to be an embarrassment to my family, to myself.
I no longer want the deleterious health effects of too much wine and no food.
I cannot moderate. I want to but I can't.
I love the romanticism of a glass of wine at dinner, but there is no romance in wine in a cheap glass at a sports bar with chicken wings. Especially when you don't eat the wings and snack only on the icing of a birthday cake.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Yes
Am I experiencing the effects of a hangover? Yes
Am I going to feel better, and when I do, tell myself I can moderate, I just need to try harder? Because that is what I secretly hope for, but, God, I hope not.

Everything I have read on SR tells me I need a better plan, more tools in my kit so this doesn't happen again. It seems I lost my kit (or more accurately, probably threw it out). So I need to get another kit, another plan.

I've been sober for 8 months prior to the end of last year. And for years before that. In fact wine/alcohol was never a problem until my late 40's when I finally had disposable income.

I have no clue what has triggered so many starts and stops this year. I tried f2f AA but didn't feel right. I belong to an online AA Women's group, but don't participate and don't have a sponsor. WFS seems just like AA.
Found a Celebrate Recovery group near where I live, so am going to give it a try.

I don't get drunk every time I have a glass of wine. But I can't predict when I will go overboard, and it's usually when I am out of my element, at a party when I'm nervous.

So I NEED complete abstinence. BUT, I must come to the point where that statement becomes I WANT complete abstinence. I don't want to waste the rest of my life feeling bad about myself, or worse.

I will go to Celebrate Recovery and I will ask for an online sponsor in my online Women's AA group. I will do those 2 things differently. And I will meditate again. I did that a lot during my sober years. I also need to figure what's happening in my life that is triggering this cycle. Not sure how to do that.

Join the Class of July??

Thanks for letting me rant.

biminiblue

What was triggering it in my case was alcohol dependency.

The best part about my 90 in 90 in AA was the constant reiteration to not pick up that first drink. That first drink.

The first drink is the one that kills us.

Sitting on a railroad track. A train comes. It's the engine that will kill me, not the caboose.

I choose to stay out of the way of fast moving trains these days.

AA may have some issues, but the right group will pound this in to a newcomer's head. Don't pick up that first drink.

I thank AA for being there for me to keep me going every day until I had a handle on this.

doggonecarl

I hope God gives you the strength you need to get sober, because the heavy lifting of recovery, the work, is on you.

Prayers out yo you

GotGrace

Great post, TempeBrenn. We have all been there. Best wishes as you move forward!

Windancer

Great post. You can do this...SR is a wonderful place. I do believe in prayer. And yes, I think you need more tools in your toolbox. I certainly did.

VikingGF

You can certainly have the success you want, TempleBrenn, and you are in a great place for support here at SR. Yes, join the Class of July!

Lisa.

Anna

You sound like you are really motivated to make this work for you. I can so relate to the not eating, but lots of drinking. I lost my appetite and I lost weight and it was very scary. Know for sure that you can do this, and SR is always here as a place to come for support and inspiration.

Nuudawn

I understand this. For me, ingesting alcohol is like playing Russian roulette. Will it be a couple or will it be "everything in sight"? I put together 4 months of sobriety last year...and it was right. Because of my particular "style" of drinking (which was basically not end stage Alcoholism)...I figured I could "moderate" my consumption, because like you, I didn't get hammered each and every time...but that wasn't actually something really in my control.

My relapse was a slippery slope. I did pull off a glass of wine or two on occasion for a couple months...until the night I didn't. And then it happened again...and again. Suddenly I was having a glass of wine or two..or three almost every night...sometimes the whole bottle.

You know what first started to bother me? My obsession returned. My life became all about booze again. I was simply getting through everything just to get home to "my wine"...my very best friend. I started to have a big glass of wine right after work at the restaurant I worked in...for the ride home or to my bf's to have another. My plans for an evening off..was wine...didn't care what else...as long as there was wine. Wine was once again taking precedence over everything and anything.

It was not the life I wanted to live. My relationship with wine is addiction through and through. If I allow that relationship to continue, what kind of life do I have? A teeny tiny one...where Cab-Merlot or Pinot Grigio rules my kingdom.

Uh uh..no way.

Glad you're back Temp...glad I am.

longoverdue

I just joined and can so relate to your description of the declining romanticism of the glass of wine. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I hear the desire in your words for change. You can do this. Lets let go of the wine and let ourselves heal!

courage2

TempeBrenn, I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it.

I tend to agree with biminiblue on AA. You say it "didn't feel right" -- neither do hangovers, or living as an active alcoholic daily drinker, which is what I was.

Whether it's AA or something else, you have to move outside your comfort zone. That doesn't mean doing 5 minutes extra meditation, that means doing something that makes you truly uncomfortable. What you're comfortable with is a cycle of getting dry and getting drunk and getting dry again. Soft messages might get you dry again for a spell, but if you want to quit this cycle for the rest of your life, you need to treat it very seriously indeed.

Joining the July thread on SR is a good start. I posted daily to my month's class for many, many months, and daily to the One Year and Under thread too. And to a Gratitude thread. I believe sober habits build sober strength.

I wish you peace -- I believe you can get there!

DoubleDragons

Tempe, I am praying for you. I was exactly the same kind of drinker that you and Nuu describe. In the beginning of my sobriety, I told myself that I had to give myself 6 to 12 months of sobriety to heal my body and to make a true fair comparison of sober life versus drinking life. I know a lot of people say you have to say that you will never drink again, but one day at a time works much better for me and I am going on 10 months sober with my first try. Give your body healing time. As a dancer I know you can appreciate this. Make it all about healing your body right now. I am pulling for you.

PurpleKnight

You can do this!!

Hawkeye13

I agree that you can absolutely do this Tempe
You will have to change your strategy to do it.

I think courage is pointing to some good things to incorporate into your new sobriety plan--to reiterate what he said in support:

1. Sober habits build sober strength. Do join the July class and post daily.
2. Take yourself out of your comfort zone as suggested--AA, celebrate recovery,
weekly therapy, volunteering in some way to get you out of yourself more.

You have struggled and tried so hard. It is clear you want and need this for yourself very badly.
Whether one day at a time or for a lifetime, the mantra I used (and I couldn't imagine a lifetime until after the first year so it was a day-to day extension until then)
was "I will not drink today no matter what" and no reason was good enough, or painful enough, to break that daily vow and I stuck to it.

Missing the good glass of wine that compliments dinner, or the soothing drink after a bad day at work, or a Sunday morning mimosa are part of the grieving process,
but frankly, the self-esteem and physical improvements I started seeing and feeling really added up to make me not care about those missed drinks much faster than I thought I would.

There is life after quitting alcohol, and very good life.
Big hugs and don't ever stop trying because you will succeed

Raider

So I NEED complete abstinence. BUT, I must come to the point where that statement becomes I WANT complete abstinence. I don't want to waste the rest of my life feeling bad about myself, or worse.



I think this is the difference for me this time. I always knew I needed to stop drinking. Now I want to. Big hairy difference.

Hevyn

Tempe, That is just how I felt the last time I drank. I was so ready to end the insanity and live again. That was 6-1/2 yrs. ago. I never touched another drop. You can do it too.