UnixBer

The AV must die. Lately I've been through a bizarre and rough patch in recovery. In these states nothing really seems to improve it but time. Today is a lot better though, and once more the av reveals itself...

I've been fighting a war in my head whether the av is a real issue here or if I'm losing my mind and just taking a set of PAWS-symptoms in a regular way.
No. It has been the av. I've noticed that one of its favorite and main tricks is a way of averting your attention, subtly and in its own ways, which can appear very bizarre on the outside. The thing is.. It always tries to make you seek any and all other reasons for everything BUT itself. It wants to keep the game of lying that it isn't the real issue, where it damned right is the real issue.

From this my conclusion is, keep grinding it when you have a bad day. And know that the av doesn't want you to blame alcohol. It wants to avert your attention from it.

Don't know if this is a vent or not. Well at least it's a post. Thanks for reading.

ScottFromWI

Then AV is a sneaky one for sure...glad you realized it for what it is.

LadyBlue0527

I've not yet discovered anything more deceptive than the AV. How many other things do you know of that can make you listen to the words coming out of your mouth or that you're writing and you know it's a lie but you still voice or write them as though they are true? It's mind boggling.

IOAA2

At moments that you speak of I need to remind myself: Alcoholism = Powerful, Cunning and Insidious.
Along with always being there just waiting.

BE WELL

Nuudawn

Thank you for posting Unix. I cannot help but think there is something "missing" in your life...some tank you're not filling that is allowing the AV such dominance.
Is lonlieness or some sort of feeling of disconnect an issue at all?
Just curious.
I don't think the AV booms around our brain for no reason.

What do you think is the cause of your recent vulnerability?

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through the myths it keeps trying to sell!!

RolyPoly

I'm only on day 14 so take what I say with a grain of salt. When I start wanting to drink I think about a book I read that describes the physical damage alcohol does to the body. That stops me in my tracks. I was what is called a high functioning alcoholic and had escaped unscathed in most ways. That makes it harder to dredge up the horrifying memories that jolt you back to reality. So, for me, remembering the havoc that alcohol causes to my body and where this disease will eventually lead me acts as a deterrent.

Hang in there.

UnixBer

Nuu & RolyPoly: First of all, with my av it is not about desire to drink anymore. That desire is long gone. I think it might be more chemistry related because it appears to come at certain intervals, in cycles.

It is like a vandal monster that doesn't know what it is doing, but it still does it.
And I'm not even sure if I can say that I'm any more vulnerable to it than any other day, it just activates, especially when it finds something confusing and attaches to it and takes momentum from the thing or idea, however absurd it is... and launches an attack.

It will be interesting to see how things turn out with it later... In any case, I find the av operates in a way that is way beyond my understanding. Thanks for the pointers and ideas.

Nuudawn

How very interesting. Thank you for elaborating. It sounds almost neurological rather than emotional in nature...no? Or is the emotional still triggering the neurological or physiological response?

Fascinating. Um...I would be curious to read any input from let's say...Endgame or RobbyRobot (not that I have favourites on topics such as these..ya know..just saying).

UnixBer

Hmm... neurological perhaps. I still find the whole issue very very complex. There are propably, and almost certainly emotional elements to it, mental, habitual and all working in some kind of system, with the body and its chemicals and states in the mix.

The thought that came to me about 'emotional', was a question like this:
Would you cry for a bottle of booze for its sake? Or would your body be crying out for it in your place?
-> This is why I see it a little more physical, because the av can be likened to a devil, religious or not. It is the own body turning against its owner or something similar. A part of it. But very complex. This has to do with regions of the brain that control emotions, especially the emotion of fear, limbic system. You name it. I find it very complex and still mostly physical.

The emotional side at least for me is more grieving of the turmoil and slavery of the alcohol and chances wasted. The av likes to trigger negative emotions such as these I notice, because it advances its agenda. From what I can tell, and if I'm correct, alcoholism can happen to anyone. I think because alcohol causes states similar to depression, it also makes the world appear less and causes the mind to be more pessimistic. Still in physical ways that have no real origin in genuine emotion. Interesting and strange stuff.

Thanks for replying Nuu.

Nuudawn

For me, at times, both I think. Typically I am not triggered by the social drinking of others....but I'm sure there are times I might. If I was sitting around a table of dear friends who were all drinking wine, chatting and laughing..I think I would pine the drink. I would want to be "connected" via the same avenue. But am I pining the alcohol or the connectedness and romance of it?

Also, in times of severe emotional overwhelm, I crave the affect of alcohol. I suppose in both instances I am craving the affect...but for different reasons...and in both instances the fact that I cannot would likely prompt a certain petulance or wah wah of emotion. But I want it!!!

There are many, many ripples aren't there?

UnixBer

It took me some time in recovery, but today I can spend a whole evening with friends who all drink excluding me. I think this may be due to the fact that the longer sober and the healthier, the more the brains start working in a logical way and see alcohol as it really is.

The other problem I guess could be that society likes to glamorize drug-use and hangovers these days. And alcohol is a dangerous drug. It is romanticed, and most people go after it each weekend like braindead zombies. I was one of them. Luckily not anymore.

It just doesn't always pay off to follow the masses. Also, today it no longer causes me any alarm when I'm a lone non-drinker among drinkers (although I like avoiding drunken people). Sobriety is worth more than getting drunk and trying live that like other people. The thing is just that most people are either already addicted to it or are ignorant and have no idea of its effects on them.

I hope there's some interesting ideas there. Drinking friends weren't really a problem for me since I avoided all alcohol drinkers in the beginning of my sobriety.

Nuudawn

I just about prompted aneurysm from frustration and irritation last week when I made a mistake of watching an episode of some schlock called "Cougar Town". The main character (the once lovely Courtenay Cox...now deformed by too much botox and juvaderm) was scheduled for a physical with her doc (for med insurance I think). She was in an absolute dither because she couldn't drink wine. Then her neighbor friend tells her that her urine sample is already shot because she had slipped some crushed up benzo's (or something) into her water the night previous cuz Courtenay was being such an irritable biotch. So Courtenay character giggles in delight and proceeds to pour wine into what appears to be a flower vase..and says "oh great, I can have ONE glass of wine". Then having to use both hands to hoist the wine to her face, guzzles the wine!
She then uses her employee's urine for the freaking physical.

This is entertainment nowadays? This is funny???

It's pathetic...and sad.

UnixBer

Haven't seen that movie but sometimes very weird things are depicted as cool in some movies. It's up to the imagination of the director or writer.

Society today seems to favor stupid. In plain language. But even intelligent people become addicted. Lol btw that movie reminded me... Years ago when I was considering stopping drinking completely for a long time, I dreamed of starting using benzos instead. Well it didn't work. I just started using benzos AND booze. Not a nice combination.