Advised by AA oldtimer that I'm not desperate enough for AA
 

I've been feeling dissatisfied and frustrated with AA in my 10 days so reached out to someone I heard speak a year ago (on my prior attempt to get sober) for advice. She said maybe I just wasn't desperate enough and if AA wasn't working for me after 30 days I should go out and see if I eventually hit a bottom that would prepare me better for the program.

REALLY??

Am I just running into a bunch of really bad AAers or are there that many kooks in the program?!

:huh?:

Well, that was a pretty jaded thing for her to say.

Say a little prayer for her. :wink3:

I'd try a different meeting. I'm not in AA but people have different approaches to things. I imagine AA is no different.

Wow. That just seems like a horrible thing to say to someone who is newly sober. This is why I have been going to meetings that have a relatively low number of "old timers". I don't have anything against them, I just find a lot of them to have a very rigid attitude about exactly how to work the steps, etc (this is just my experience, seriously, no judgement). And maybe AA just isn't right for you. I don't think that makes you any less serious or committed about your sobriety. But I am definitely mad on your behalf. That just seems like an irresponsible thing to say to someone in the early stages of sobriety.

There are a lot of sick people in AA ... Some old timers too. Maybe try a different meeting?

Why do you suppose that might be? Seriously. You join a group, and the people with the most sober time and experience have a particular idea about how things work and don't work.

Why do you think you know better?

Most old timers have seen a lot, and been through a lot, and know what works and doesn't work, and have seen many people come in and go back out.

Part of the process is having a little faith in other people. I know I was pretty stubborn early on about nearly everything, but as more and more time goes by, some of what the stupid old timers have said is making a lot more sense.

There obviously ARE some flawed people in every program but one thing I can assure you of is that MY attitudes and notions were exactly the ones that couldn't be trusted in early sobriety.

Hi Roly

I have no idea whether you're desperate enough or not. :)

I do think that you have many many more options that drinking some more, but that's just my opinion.

The way I figure it I have my experience to share with you, and hope it helps.

I think it would be a mistake to consider this was indicative of the method.

AA's a good programme and it saved many of my friends lives. Same with Rational Recovery SMART, and Lifering.

Pick a way that makes sense to you and work with everything you've got :)

D

Totally strange!

I had a long time AA member (who I know from a sport we both play) say that my drinking might not be bad enough for AA to work. I found myself trying to justify my (high functioning? sort of) drinking to him. Which later made me feel really embarrassed -- what was I doing? Trying to defend my right to be an alkie? At that same meeting (my first BTW) a woman came up to me and said very loud and abruptly "so, this is your first meeting, you look much too put together to be new"! She actually seemed angry until I told her I had a few sober months (which was why I didn't look downtrodden?). Then she nodded and moved on. Needless to say it was a rather bizarre evening!

Meant to add -- no matter my experiences in AA, nearly 9 months later I'm still sober! It's definitely not AA or drink! It's anything that works to support you in not drinking. If that's AA then look for meetings that you want to be at, with people you admire. If it's not, then there are lots of recovery methods available. Try as many as you can, keep going, you're doing great!!

Well

You have a couple options, you could prove her wrong or prove her right.

AA does not seem to be for you.
You mentioned in another thread being interested in AVRT, Google "AVRT "crash course" and also Rational Recovery. You can also get the books used online for a few bucks.
Warning: in his own way the author is a kook too, (albeit an anti AA one rather than an AA one..) but his techniques are really useful (especially in early sobriety). Just ignore his conspiracy theories and focus on the work :)
Another thing you might want to look into is Women For Sobriety. It's a very good secular program with face to face support. I know that the name conjures up some pinched faced teetotalling spinsters with no sense of humor but they are actually really cool and their program is designed for women's empowerment.
Google them, they have a forum which is very supportive and empowering.

Good luck

Signed: Another kook AAer :D

ive heard this before. heres the deal though. i really believe this. although some of us seem to really have to be rocked before quitting, YOU can define your bottom. if you feel like you need the gutter, so be it. if you already have enough evidence that stopping would be beneficial then great.

oldtimers have something that works for them in that they remain sober. they have also seen alot of folks come and go. that does not mean that they are automatically experts in recovery (speaking of people in general). advice like you recieved is a little mean spirited. it may have come from frustration. it may have come from black and white thinking.

the whole "bottom" conversation is weird because it relies on a decision made by someone whos actively addicted. what if your bottom is death? or vehicular manslaughter? these could be consequences of the experiment that the oldtimer suggested you might try.

Youll always have us 24/7.

Your oldtimer sees only two options for you: acceptance of what he tells you, no questions or concerns or advice for you, or the alternative of deeper addiction. It is truly a false dilemma, the 'either-or' fallacy, or the fallacy of the false alternative. This situation comes about invariably from a false assumption. In this case the false assumption is that you are not entitled to your questions or concerns and that you have no other options in your search for sobriety. This oldtimer is not unique, you can see the same false dilemma mistake made right here.

If you are dissatisfied with this oldtimer, find another one who has a better understanding of addiction who can advise you, encourage you, guide you. If you feel that the issue is a broader one, there are lots of recovery options for you. I hope you find the one that leads you to the life free of addiction that you deserve. It is up to you to find your way forward. Onward!

For SOME of us, hitting rock bottom was the wake up call we needed to start taking things seriously. That was true in my case. Of course, it's pretty hard to recommend this strategy to anyone: ("You want a sure fire way to get sober? Just quit your job, ditch your partner, and have a few seizures. By the third ambulance ride you'll have the right mindset"). Haha.

I imagine that this old-timer has a similar tale. Not sure why she said that to you, though. Maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she's just a bit of a grump. In my case, I used AA early on and then mixed in a few other support systems until I found what worked for me. Every program/system has it's ups and downs. And anything is better than going back to the drink. Keep your head up and your options open, but don't give up! :)

Don't allow anyone in AA to deter you from the program if you feel there is something there for you. All that is required of you is a desire to quit drinking. I was told that I wasn't "that bad" off... but these people had just met me, had no idea what I've been through in my life, or how traumatic things were as a child... emotional scars aren't always evident, no matter how "bad off" your drinking may seem to someone else. You certainly don't have to be homeless or destitute to walk into AA and find some experience, strength and hope.

My suggestion is to keep going if you feel there is anything at all there for you that might help you stay sober. I went to AA because I wanted to heal. The program was presented as a thorough path to heal one's inner self. That is why I've stuck with the readings, study the literature, and whittle away at the Steps, keeping in touch with my old sponsor as needed.

No one else needs to validate your level of addiction, your capacity for healing, or whether a certain program is right for you... that is your decision, your choice.

Thanks everyone. People are also skeptical because I quit without any withdrawal symptoms, and I find myself trying to convince them that I really do have a drinking problem. Do they think I'm making it all up and for some reason want to sit in meetings because I have nothing better to do? I live in California - there are tons of better things to do than sit with a bunch of loons at AA meetings!!

I'm starting to use SMART, AVRT and Women for Sobriety. I also like the Pagan 12 Steps, resonated much more with me than the traditional AA 12 Steps.

Thanks goodness for this board. I'd be on my 2nd bottle of Chardonnay already if I relied only on AA.

Lets remember mutual respect for others beliefs guys.
We don't want another one of those threads - I don't believe they do anyone any good.

D

I used SMART, WFS, and AVRT all before I used AA. There are great things about them all. I continue to use things I've learned in each one. I still have my books and read them from time to time. I would encourage anyone to try out any of those programs if you are curious about them. They served their purposes for me at different stages along the way. There was no way I'd have been able to stomach AA in 2003 when I chose to go with SMART.

Find what clicks. And pay attention to what bothers you... really pay attention to what ruffles you a little, because it's the things that hurt to hear that needed to be processed, in my experience.

Most of those loons are sober loons.
Hope whatever you choose proves to be your key to sobriety.
Sounds like AA may be a step to far.
At the moment.....