Struggling to let go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1
Struggling to let go
So, I'm new to this site and would benefit from the feedback of others. I have been with my soon to be ex-husband for 18 1/2 years, and for 17 of those years, I thought we were blissfully happy. However, about 1 1/2 years ago, I noticed he was drinking more and more and not able to moderate. Seven months ago, I received a phone call from a friend telling me that my husband was hitting on her through texts and this had happened on two occasions. When I confronted my husband, devastated, he admitted to this and that he was drinking far more than I knew, as well as abusing anti-anxiety medications. I moved out because I saw this as infidelity. He grudgingly agreed to get help, failed at just AA and outpatient treatment, and eventually completed IOP. However, it appears he wasn't able to stay sober long. He went to aftercare and AA for a while, but over time, he began to talk more negatively about it and stopped going.
He lost his job, although he reports it had nothing to do with his drinking (he binges at night from what I can tell), he blacks out frequently, etc. After treatment, our marriage seemed to get worse and he reported he was constantly angry at me. I found out he was drinking and lying to me about it, and he refused to consider returning to treatment or couples therapy, rather blaming me and my poor housekeeping and intermittent temper for the demise of our marriage, saying I'd never change so there was no point. He walked out on our 17th anniversary saying he needed "space". He refused to talk to me, answer my texts or emails saying it was "too overwhelming"--he just wanted to focus on work. Nevermind that fact that I was also overwhelmed, devastated and entirely confused. Almost two weeks went by and I got no communication from him even when I requested it for our bills, etc.
Since he left, I've discovered he hasn't paid our bills in months and I don't know where the money's gone. He's been hiding alcohol, driving drunk, etc. Friends are coming forward telling me he has propositioned them for sex when I have been around even. I'm finding he's friending young women on Facebook he doesn't know (from other states and countries, even young high schoolers) who appear to be very sexy or scantily clad. This despite the fact that he rarely showed an interest in me sexually for the past couple of years despite claiming he was still in love with me and found me attractive. At times he was remorseful for these behaviors, but the longer they continue the more brazen he becomes.
I'm completely at a loss. A few weeks ago, he was still the man I married more often than not--so kind, considerate, doting, funny--he always seemed thrilled to see me and genuinely seemed to miss me when I was gone. The man I married and knew for so long would never put people's lives at risk by driving drunk, and I never say him ever act disrespectfully towards me or act at all inappropriate around women.
It was like a switch was flipped, and he instantly changed. He went from telling me he loved me so much to telling me he can't be married to me--sometimes he says it's because he knows he's so messed up, other times it's all my fault. He said he didn't want a divorce but didn't know what else to do, that he just needed to be away from me to figure things out because he's been so unhappy for so long. While I knew he was depressed and was helping him find and follow through with treatment for it, I had no clue he was unhappy in the marriage--that became something he only said drunk, and then eventually said right before he left.
I have filed for divorce because I need to protect myself financially and it's the only recourse I have in our state. Additionally, I don't want to be married to someone who needs to think about whether or not he wants to stay married to me.
However, I'm a mess emotionally. I love him so much and know he's in pain; I don't want to abandon the marriage, but he's made it clear he doesn't want me around. I so desperately want answers from him, but he ignores me, which makes me feel even more desperate. He says he still loves me but is too messed up to be married. I so want him to get help and to be there for him. I do know that he has to be ready to get help (I'm a therapist, that's the ironic part.), I just can't seem to move on. I'm not ready to give up on the man I'm in love with, but every interaction just reinforces for me that that man is gone and may never return.
How do I detach and move on? How do I deal with the rejection and the pain of his attention to other women? How do I heal from his desire to throw away almost twenty years of a relationship I would have done anything to save? I am constantly alternating between overwhelming sadness, hopelessness and grief to rage, anger and desperation that make me what to constantly pursue him for answers that I know I'll never get.
He lost his job, although he reports it had nothing to do with his drinking (he binges at night from what I can tell), he blacks out frequently, etc. After treatment, our marriage seemed to get worse and he reported he was constantly angry at me. I found out he was drinking and lying to me about it, and he refused to consider returning to treatment or couples therapy, rather blaming me and my poor housekeeping and intermittent temper for the demise of our marriage, saying I'd never change so there was no point. He walked out on our 17th anniversary saying he needed "space". He refused to talk to me, answer my texts or emails saying it was "too overwhelming"--he just wanted to focus on work. Nevermind that fact that I was also overwhelmed, devastated and entirely confused. Almost two weeks went by and I got no communication from him even when I requested it for our bills, etc.
Since he left, I've discovered he hasn't paid our bills in months and I don't know where the money's gone. He's been hiding alcohol, driving drunk, etc. Friends are coming forward telling me he has propositioned them for sex when I have been around even. I'm finding he's friending young women on Facebook he doesn't know (from other states and countries, even young high schoolers) who appear to be very sexy or scantily clad. This despite the fact that he rarely showed an interest in me sexually for the past couple of years despite claiming he was still in love with me and found me attractive. At times he was remorseful for these behaviors, but the longer they continue the more brazen he becomes.
I'm completely at a loss. A few weeks ago, he was still the man I married more often than not--so kind, considerate, doting, funny--he always seemed thrilled to see me and genuinely seemed to miss me when I was gone. The man I married and knew for so long would never put people's lives at risk by driving drunk, and I never say him ever act disrespectfully towards me or act at all inappropriate around women.
It was like a switch was flipped, and he instantly changed. He went from telling me he loved me so much to telling me he can't be married to me--sometimes he says it's because he knows he's so messed up, other times it's all my fault. He said he didn't want a divorce but didn't know what else to do, that he just needed to be away from me to figure things out because he's been so unhappy for so long. While I knew he was depressed and was helping him find and follow through with treatment for it, I had no clue he was unhappy in the marriage--that became something he only said drunk, and then eventually said right before he left.
I have filed for divorce because I need to protect myself financially and it's the only recourse I have in our state. Additionally, I don't want to be married to someone who needs to think about whether or not he wants to stay married to me.
However, I'm a mess emotionally. I love him so much and know he's in pain; I don't want to abandon the marriage, but he's made it clear he doesn't want me around. I so desperately want answers from him, but he ignores me, which makes me feel even more desperate. He says he still loves me but is too messed up to be married. I so want him to get help and to be there for him. I do know that he has to be ready to get help (I'm a therapist, that's the ironic part.), I just can't seem to move on. I'm not ready to give up on the man I'm in love with, but every interaction just reinforces for me that that man is gone and may never return.
How do I detach and move on? How do I deal with the rejection and the pain of his attention to other women? How do I heal from his desire to throw away almost twenty years of a relationship I would have done anything to save? I am constantly alternating between overwhelming sadness, hopelessness and grief to rage, anger and desperation that make me what to constantly pursue him for answers that I know I'll never get.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome chiclet 
I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you found us you'll find a lot of supoport and experience here.
Learning to detach must be one of the most difficult things ever - but there are folks here who've been there and will help.
You are not alone
D
I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you found us you'll find a lot of supoport and experience here.
Learning to detach must be one of the most difficult things ever - but there are folks here who've been there and will help.
You are not alone
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 261
Just Wanted You to Know
Chiclet,
I did read your post. I'm really sorry for your pain. It sounds like a difficult spot you're in. You've definitely come to a good place, though. There are many kind and helpful people here, that share similar stories as yours.
Since I'm also a newcomer, I can only offer you what I've found. The members here, as you'll see, are filled with hope, and encouragement. Even though I don't know them personally, I know them by their stories that we all share in common.
As I've read through the forum threads here, I've seen myself in most everything. I've also been able to share my own feelings, concerns, cares and worries. I've found myself posting things, that I didn't even know I felt. Then, I've received feedback from those here, who I'd be honored to call friends.
Really, what I've found here, is a place to recover. I've found a freedom to express myself, to be myself, and to find out more about myself. I hope you find this here too, Chiclet.
Sincerely,
michaels
I did read your post. I'm really sorry for your pain. It sounds like a difficult spot you're in. You've definitely come to a good place, though. There are many kind and helpful people here, that share similar stories as yours.
Since I'm also a newcomer, I can only offer you what I've found. The members here, as you'll see, are filled with hope, and encouragement. Even though I don't know them personally, I know them by their stories that we all share in common.
As I've read through the forum threads here, I've seen myself in most everything. I've also been able to share my own feelings, concerns, cares and worries. I've found myself posting things, that I didn't even know I felt. Then, I've received feedback from those here, who I'd be honored to call friends.
Really, what I've found here, is a place to recover. I've found a freedom to express myself, to be myself, and to find out more about myself. I hope you find this here too, Chiclet.
Sincerely,
michaels
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
