Wastinglife

I have always been a binge drinker. In college days, and 20's I would usually only drink on weekends. Eventually, I was drinking everday. The more I drank the more unpredictable my behaviour became. I went from being a fun to be around drinker to an angry, ticking time-bomb, obnoxious drunk.

I have been to rehab, but had a few relapses. Each relapse the worst than before. On one of these benders I had a big blow up with my family and on another a had a blow up with a co-worker. I was blackout drunk but I still remember bits, including waking up in a jail cell.

I just can't shake the guilt. It's been a year since these events happened yet I often ruminate about them and can't sleep well. Similar memories have popped up randomly too. I don't know how to forgive myself.

How have other people become at peace with their past?

firstymer

The longer I am sober, the easier it gets to let go of the guilt and shame. It still grabs me from time to time. But it definitely gets easier. It is one of my strongest motivations to stay sober. I never want to go back to the guilt and shame that I felt when drunk/hungover.

PurpleKnight

I have loads of memories I think about sometimes at night, all the stupid reckless things I did when drunk.

For me surrendering to the fact I can't change the past was a big part of letting some things go, I can worry and think all I like about the events and try to analyse them but I can't go back.

I also take comfort in the changes I've made to my life now to prevent me from having the same consequences to my drinking like before, so rather than beating ourselves up we should be positive and give ourselves a pat on the back for taking ownership of the consequences of our drinking, so much so that we made real changes to how we live our lives by getting Sober!!

SoberHoopsFan

I know exactly what you are going through, we seem to have had similar drinking patterns and behavior while intoxicated. I also unfortunately can recall a time on vacation where I blacked out and woke up in handcuffs (and eventually a cell for the night). Like you, sometimes these memories pop up out of nowhere for me, or a new one I had forgotten rises to the surface out of nowhere. I'm trying to focus on the fact that these types of incidents will NEVER happen again if I don't drink. Sounds like you have some sober time under your belt, I would focus on that instead of the past, which we can't change.

hope22

It's been hard for me to let go of some of the things I did while I was drinking. I beat myself up, over and over which always led me back to drinking. I had to make amends with people that I hurt then try to move on, it's all you can do. Some people forgave me, some people did not. But I did my best which was to apologize, forgive myself and let it go.

HealthyK

Hi WL,

I have found that the best way to deal with the guilt about things that have happened is to address it directly. Apologize for what you've done and ask them to forgive your actions. You were not your actions. The fact that you feel guilty about things you've done is huge, it means you actually care about the people who have been affected. And knowing that may help you in your road to recovery. It takes a very brave person to apologize and try to make amends for things they've done. Sometimes getting forgiveness from someone lifts the weight of the guilt off your shoulders. Believe me, I've been there more times than I want to remember.

HeadLump

It certainly gets less painful with time, but I do burn with shame sometimes when I remember some of the things I've done. But I know that there is nothing I can do to change them. The only thing I can change is me. By changing myself and living a sober life, I hope to make reparation for my past and create a very different future

biminiblue

I don't think anyone on earth has a clean, unblemished life. Everyone hurts others. I know I've done things I regret while under the influence and I've done things while perfectly straight. Sometimes I just did things because I am a selfish human looking out for myself and sometimes I did things without thinking of the consequences.

If I think about the things I've done and I think about the things others have done to me it's a pretty yuck way to spend time. I prefer to think about pleasant things and look forward to happier times and make plans for that.

There are adventures to be had, new friends to be made and joy to be discovered.

melki

I have a saying that helps me through:

"No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future."

Both have been a big bother in my life, but I'm learning to cope with them. It's a lot easier to squash guilt now that I know I'm on the right path and making good choices. At this very moment, you have a choice how to live your life going forward.

Forgiving yourself is crucial. I would never beat up anyone else the way I beat up myself, so it does not come naturally to me either. When I have trouble forgiving myself or treating myself with kindness, I think about what God's love or kindest mother's love must feel like and try to turn in onto myself. We are all worthy of that kind of love and forgiveness.

soberjuly

I can be such a bitch when drunk. I'm sure the extent is worse than I can remember. People who love you can be very forgiving. Maybe telling people you are turning a new path, going down a new road.

I took my daughter to the doctor on Friday. After her exam, I apologized to the doctor because there were more than one occasion I was impatient and snappy. I was rude to her and her office staff. It's going to be that way for awhile. A lot of apologizing.

When you were drunk, you're family and friends weren't seeing you. There were seeing you damaged.

Whenever there is an opportunity to apologize, do it.

The doctor said she really didn't remember me being rude. I said, well you have a lot of patients, but my kids only have you as a doctor, and even if you don't remember, I do. I said to her in leaving, 'my kids really like you' and she said 'that's nice to hear' and she had tears in her eyes.

Dee74

I had a lot of regrets guilt and shame too - 20 years worth.

I tried to make my life a kind of living amends tho - everyday I would try and do something good, something karmic.

Look back over your year - surely you've done good things, things to be proud of, things that helped others?

Thats where your focus needs to be.

Beating ourselves up for what we did in the past or who we used to be is pretty futile cos we'll never change a second of it.

Some folks spend so much time in the past they completely miss the present as well.

Put that energy in thinking about what you can do today, wastinglife

Anna

This is a Sticky from MorningGlory, our Administrator about this topic and I have found it so helpful. You have about 90 seconds from the time the memory comes into your mind till it 'takes over' mentally and physically. In those 90 seconds you can let go of the memory.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anagement.html

GreenEggsAndHam

I'm dealing with this too - thanks for the post.

SoberryHappy

I really needed to read this today. I have days in which I am consumed with guilt about how I acted while I was drinking. Most of the guilt revolves around me being an absent mother to my two young children and not wanting to be bothered by them... but I have years of regrets that tend to sneak up on me at times and really get me down in the dumps. I love the quote that Melki posted: "No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future." I think I need to make it my new mantra!

Julie59

[QUOTE=Wastinglife; Eventually,
How have other people become at peace with their past?[/QUOTE]

Peace ... oh how I love that word.....and oh how I would love to experience It

Julie59

This is a really helpful thread...... some great advice from you all

MythOfSisyphus

I don't say this to minimize your guilt; we are all responsible for our own actions. But the person that did those things really was a different person than you are now. You have grown. Start by accepting what that person did and understand why. Then maybe you can forgive.

NoJimmy

I lost some of the most important people in my life due to my drunken behavior. No second chance, no accepted amends, no closure. It's not something I'll ever feel good about, I'm doing my best to create my own closure and move forward the best I can. It's difficult, I don't ever want to forget about what drinking has cost me, but if I hyper-focus on that it could consume and derail me.
I also find that staying busy and tending to things that improve my life (fitness, diet, relationships, etc) goes a long ways towards keeping me moving in the right direction.