The Relapse of All Relapses
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Lawgirl,
The only way that my loved ones have come to trust me and forgive me is by my consistent positive action. I hurt them. It is not my job to beg, plead, force conversations, or set a time table for others. It is my job to show them.
You have a reason to be sad and guilty right now. But you must use these feelings to push you forward, not hold you back. I have done damage. My sadness, guilt, and despair will never fix that damage, but my action will. It has for me and it will for you too.
The only way that my loved ones have come to trust me and forgive me is by my consistent positive action. I hurt them. It is not my job to beg, plead, force conversations, or set a time table for others. It is my job to show them.
You have a reason to be sad and guilty right now. But you must use these feelings to push you forward, not hold you back. I have done damage. My sadness, guilt, and despair will never fix that damage, but my action will. It has for me and it will for you too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by Croissant 
Lawgirl, I'm so very sorry to see things have spiralled out of control so quickly since last week.
I'm reminded of how precarious our life is when we put it in our own drunken, stupid hands. I positively ache for what you are going through...and maybe there is a chance to redeem yourself with your ex at some point. But for now, you are going to have to feel the pain, alcohol free. And boy, I know that hurts.
But it really is the only choice.
Alcohol can never bring you the feeling of pure joy. Ever. I truly believe humans can only feel pure joy when sober. That in itself is worth getting sober for, believe me.
Big hugs for you today. Time can only help with this. Be kind to yourself, start reading up on how to stay sober and really take advantage of the support here.
Be well.xx
I'm reminded of how precarious our life is when we put it in our own drunken, stupid hands. I positively ache for what you are going through...and maybe there is a chance to redeem yourself with your ex at some point. But for now, you are going to have to feel the pain, alcohol free. And boy, I know that hurts.
But it really is the only choice.
Alcohol can never bring you the feeling of pure joy. Ever. I truly believe humans can only feel pure joy when sober. That in itself is worth getting sober for, believe me.
Big hugs for you today. Time can only help with this. Be kind to yourself, start reading up on how to stay sober and really take advantage of the support here.
Be well.xx
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
soberlicious how long did it take for people to see the change in you?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by soberlicious
Different people, different time tables. My marriage did not make it, but all parties have made peace with that. I just focused on what I needed to do to bring about the change I wanted in my life. I allowed others the time they needed and I supported them by continuing it do the right positive things, without expecting forgiveness. I owed them that.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened LG...consistent action is a perfect way to phrase what needs to happen. I'm on day 64 right now.
I got my 2nd DUI in May, with my BF's car. Suffice it to say, he was not impressed as that was just another bender to add to the growing list. Just happened to be worse b/c a vehicle was involved this time.
He was done. He said a lot of hurtful things in the days right after (deserved)...but within a week...once he saw I was checking myself into detox and taking this seriously, he started to change his mind. He visited me every day in detox and even allowed me to move back in after I was done. (originally was planning on moving back home with mom and dad) ...
people do forgive. Of course, we can't say what your ex is going to do, but who knows. YOU know what YOU need to do for YOU, no matter what happens.
It's still early days for my relationship too...I know that things will never be the same after some of the stunts I pulled...so far, things seem to be ok...but I also know in my heart/head...he may still change his mind. That WON'T change my mind about getting and staying sober though
hang in there sister!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
lawgirl, yer posts remind me of me. what ya type is a LOT of the feelings that I had the day after my last drunk. I was FINALLY out of denial about what alcohol was doing to me.the morning after my last drunk my fiancé ( actually, I didn't know it at the time, but by then she was now my ex fiancé) told me some of the things I had done and said while in another blackout. she had heard the "im sorry", "I promise", "im never again" thing enough and was done with me and threw me out.
still drunk my head was reeealin. but what was different is I wasn't rationalizing any more , wasn't trying to stuff anything. my whole life was right there in front of me, I wasn't stuffing it and I saw what alcohol had done to me. I saw why people threw me out of their lives. I (thought) I was a useless, worthless, hopeless, helpless POS. I hated myself. desperation.
it was then I decided to get help. theres was a slight thought that getting help would bring back my fiancé, but I knew that was a terrible motive. I had to get help for me( and had to remind myself many many times that's who I was getting help for).
so I ended up at the doors of an AA meeting.
some of the things I recall early on:
one was getting the big book real quick, reading it, and finding me described all through it. how in the hell could a book written 28 years before I was born describe me so perfectly????
I was beating myself up real good. goin to meetings and talkin about all the crap id done and how I hurt my family and they all didn't trust me and didn't like me being around( all they heard was a bunch of drunken BS when I was around them).
welp, after a few weeks of doin that, an old timer sittin next to me, who I think was tired of listening to me whine and knew I needed some brutality to get the message through, looked at me and said," of course people walked away from you and threw you out of their lives, wuldnt you do the same if you were sane? now quit kickin yerself in the arse. yer not a bad man yer just a sick man."
that hit me like a ton of bricks. right then I saw why people turned their back on me. I saw I wasn't bad, but I was reeeeealy sick- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
then, as I would read the big book, id see things in there that sounded good as results of working the program of AA. came to find out they are promises that would happen if I worked the program and I wanted them!! ( you can google "promises of the big book" to see what promises im referring to). so I got into action.
I didn't get back with my fiancé and today I am glad about that!!!
my family???? wow!! what can I say!!! welp, heres the one experience that describes it.
my neice and her husband bought a house a few years ago. asked if I would refinish the wood floors in it( she actually wanted me to do work on her house after all the times I worked on her house, got drunk, and screwed it up!!). after days of work on the job, at the end of the day, we were having a barbque in her backyard. my sister, brother in law( who at one time couldnt eben stand the site of me), nephew, mom, and some friends of theirs were there. somehow the topic got onto my past drunken escapades. my family was bringing up things I had forgot about, but we were all laughin about it!!
then my niece says,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober?"
'welp, been about 6 years now."
my niece said," im very glad you got sober."
its been a great life for me. I would never have believed I would be able to lok in the mirror and love who I see. I now have worth, use, hope, and get a lot of pleasure from helping others.
the program of AA has given me true friends( only a handful, but that's all I want or need) and my life is a bed of roses. I just have to remember them roses have thorns and can ***** sometimes. but theres solutions when that happens!!!
what im gonna say to you,lawgirl is what was said to me:
quit kickin yerself in the arse. yer not a bad woman, just a sick one.
and there a solution!!!
how bout goin to your mirror, lookin right at yourself- right in your own eyes- and tellin yerself that?
still drunk my head was reeealin. but what was different is I wasn't rationalizing any more , wasn't trying to stuff anything. my whole life was right there in front of me, I wasn't stuffing it and I saw what alcohol had done to me. I saw why people threw me out of their lives. I (thought) I was a useless, worthless, hopeless, helpless POS. I hated myself. desperation.
it was then I decided to get help. theres was a slight thought that getting help would bring back my fiancé, but I knew that was a terrible motive. I had to get help for me( and had to remind myself many many times that's who I was getting help for).
so I ended up at the doors of an AA meeting.
some of the things I recall early on:
one was getting the big book real quick, reading it, and finding me described all through it. how in the hell could a book written 28 years before I was born describe me so perfectly????
I was beating myself up real good. goin to meetings and talkin about all the crap id done and how I hurt my family and they all didn't trust me and didn't like me being around( all they heard was a bunch of drunken BS when I was around them).
welp, after a few weeks of doin that, an old timer sittin next to me, who I think was tired of listening to me whine and knew I needed some brutality to get the message through, looked at me and said," of course people walked away from you and threw you out of their lives, wuldnt you do the same if you were sane? now quit kickin yerself in the arse. yer not a bad man yer just a sick man."
that hit me like a ton of bricks. right then I saw why people turned their back on me. I saw I wasn't bad, but I was reeeeealy sick- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
then, as I would read the big book, id see things in there that sounded good as results of working the program of AA. came to find out they are promises that would happen if I worked the program and I wanted them!! ( you can google "promises of the big book" to see what promises im referring to). so I got into action.
I didn't get back with my fiancé and today I am glad about that!!!
my family???? wow!! what can I say!!! welp, heres the one experience that describes it.
my neice and her husband bought a house a few years ago. asked if I would refinish the wood floors in it( she actually wanted me to do work on her house after all the times I worked on her house, got drunk, and screwed it up!!). after days of work on the job, at the end of the day, we were having a barbque in her backyard. my sister, brother in law( who at one time couldnt eben stand the site of me), nephew, mom, and some friends of theirs were there. somehow the topic got onto my past drunken escapades. my family was bringing up things I had forgot about, but we were all laughin about it!!
then my niece says,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober?"
'welp, been about 6 years now."
my niece said," im very glad you got sober."
its been a great life for me. I would never have believed I would be able to lok in the mirror and love who I see. I now have worth, use, hope, and get a lot of pleasure from helping others.
the program of AA has given me true friends( only a handful, but that's all I want or need) and my life is a bed of roses. I just have to remember them roses have thorns and can ***** sometimes. but theres solutions when that happens!!!
what im gonna say to you,lawgirl is what was said to me:
quit kickin yerself in the arse. yer not a bad woman, just a sick one.
and there a solution!!!
how bout goin to your mirror, lookin right at yourself- right in your own eyes- and tellin yerself that?
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Lawgirl... Congratulations on your decision to never drink again! Woooo hoooooooo!!!
Maybe your fiance will come around once he sees the new and improved you? You think? Maybe? Any chance? Or is he totally DONE?
Hug---(((Lawgirl)))
Maybe your fiance will come around once he sees the new and improved you? You think? Maybe? Any chance? Or is he totally DONE?
Hug---(((Lawgirl)))
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Originally Posted by lawgirl82
He said if I stayed sober maybe in six months or a year there was a possibility.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by lawgirl82
Yes but if he continues to drink the way he does I don't know that we would work 
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