What the heck???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC
Posts: 557
What the heck???
My work life has been extremely busy the past few weeks, I've had 2 days off in the last three weeks and I'm working long days. I'm tired and stressed, but until today, my sobriety was not at risk ... until today. I had a meeting with the boss about halfway through my day and he said if I get "x,y and z" done that I won't have to come in tomorrow. WHAMMO, I start thinking about how nice it would be to "reward myself" for all my hard work and dedication by getting drunk, since I didn't have to work in the morning! Not having a few drinks, but getting drunk. It was running through my head all afternoon ... playing over and over and over again. When I finally left for the day, I sat in the parking lot arguing with myself about stopping by the liquor store. I actually sat there for about 5 minutes trying to convince myself that it was a good idea. I finally decided that I would go home and change and if I still felt the same, that I would drive back in to pick something up (after the AA meeting started of course ... so no one would see me). Wow ... how is that for crazy? When I got home, I sat down and finally played the tape out realistically ... where it would end up if I did this. I still wanted it, but decided going to the meeting might be a better, saner idea. So I went and I am SO thankful that I did.
I find it disturbing to have this happen ... I haven't had the voice roaring in my head ... it whispers sometimes but never like this, not in almost 8 weeks of sobriety. It almost feels like a mental relapse, even though I didn't follow through. It's a good lesson, however, about the intensity and insanity of this thing we call alcoholism. I must never forget that I am an alcoholic ... I must never become complacent or lazy about my sobriety ... I must always be aware that I am only one drink away from desperation. I thank God that I did not give in to that urge ... but I was so close.
I find it disturbing to have this happen ... I haven't had the voice roaring in my head ... it whispers sometimes but never like this, not in almost 8 weeks of sobriety. It almost feels like a mental relapse, even though I didn't follow through. It's a good lesson, however, about the intensity and insanity of this thing we call alcoholism. I must never forget that I am an alcoholic ... I must never become complacent or lazy about my sobriety ... I must always be aware that I am only one drink away from desperation. I thank God that I did not give in to that urge ... but I was so close.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I must never forget that I am an alcoholic ... I must never become complacent or lazy about my sobriety ... I must always be aware that I am only one drink away from desperation. I thank God that I did not give in to that urge ... but I was so close.
I'm so glad you played the tape all the way through!
Phoenix Rising Again
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 3,079
Really great work sticking with it and getting past it.
That's amazing to have dealt with such feelings and ideas for that long and to be able to send them packing their bags and sending them on their way!
Well done on your vigilance and commitment!
That's amazing to have dealt with such feelings and ideas for that long and to be able to send them packing their bags and sending them on their way!
Well done on your vigilance and commitment!
I'm going to remember this post, for when it happens to me 
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Mare Crisium
Posts: 1,930
Holly, your action was staunch and resolute.
I salute your courage and determination.
That AV is capable of appearing from nowhere
after being silent for so long. It can hypnotize
with it's false promises, just to get it's own evil way.
I can attest, back to day 6 after almost as many weeks.
I salute your courage and determination.
That AV is capable of appearing from nowhere
after being silent for so long. It can hypnotize
with it's false promises, just to get it's own evil way.
I can attest, back to day 6 after almost as many weeks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
Way to go Hokey! I've heard it said that while we're in recovery the disease is doing push-ups getting stronger waiting for that one moment of weakness! Thank God you did the right thing. You should be very proud of yourself and thank God for your higher-power and the program of AA!!! 
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by lunar 
It can hypnotize
with it's false promises, just to get it's own evil way.
with it's false promises, just to get it's own evil way.
And Lunar, your words jumped off the page at me this morning. I feel like I am struggling with a "living embodiment" of addiction. And although my sobriety is strong today, your words strengthened me in another aspect of my addiction. Thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: BC
Posts: 557
It's amazing how my alcoholic mind can so easily convince me and justify drinking. Of course I would have blamed it on stress and exhaustion. Poor me, I really deserve this. Deserve what? To be sick and guilt-ridden and desperate? I deserve far better than that! Sobriety is a much better reward.
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