I feel like I tricked my husband.
 

I went to 2 meetings today. I didn't tell my husband about either of them. I told him I was going to quit drinking , but I don't think that he considers me an alcoholic. More just an emotional mess lately. Something changed within me after the wedding (April 26th of this year). I've been moody and angry. Truthfully I think I'm afraid. I don't feel worthy of him. He could do so much better ..

I haven't treated him well since the wedding. And he's done nothing but be kind and giving towards me.

What if I quit drinking with the help if AA and now have that label? If I start calling myself an alcoholic. Hat doesn't seem fair to him. He didn't agree to marry an alcoholic. That's not who he proposed to. That's not what he signed up for.

I'm trying to tell myself that he also didn't sign up for a lunatic. And right now that's how I'm behaving. I have a myriad of emotional issues I work through. I just hope I can do so before I cause too much damage to our marriage.

I don't think you worry so much about what label you think you should have.

Worry about getting and staying sober.

You might feel a whole lot better if you came clean to him.

:hug:

You'll be amazed at how the anger, confusion etc will disappear after you're sober for awhile. I can relate to your struggle, relationships are very difficult sometimes in early recovery.

You are worthy of him. You just, as do i, have a certain disability. Responsibility in quitting is the sanest down to earth thing ive ever heard. Stay strong.

honesty is the best policy. You're right, he didn't sign up to marry an alcoholic. He signed up to marry YOU. You are not defined by that label. Maybe you're mad at him because you feel like you have to hide yourself from him, and if you open up to him that might change.

I think I fear that sooner or later he will see the "real me" and what's to love about that? I stayed sweet and happy while we were dating. He must be a fool. I fooled him into believing I was this amazing woman worthy of everything he has to offer. And I don't feel worthy of him. Not one bit.

Hi Ollie and welcome to the forum.

Taking drinking off the table in my life removed a lot of inner conflict and emotional turmoil. Have you looked into connecting with a therapist for emotional support? Getting married is an enormous transition in life and can be a big stressor...lots of emotional triggering potential.

Perhaps it might just be good at this moment of stress to give your new husband some credit for choosing to marry a worthy and amazing woman.

Please take care of yourself and your emotions. Finding support is a great idea.

:grouphug:

Thank you all for your kind and caring replies. I have just started seeing a counselor. My 2nd appointment is on the 17th :)

Welcome to SR Ollie. Forget about labels, you don't have to call yourself an alcoholic. You can just be a person doesn't drink any longer.

Besides, I'm sure your husband will understand.

Hey Ollie, I just read through your first thread :) Just a few more thoughts fro tonight: I'm just about 75 Days into sobriety and sorting emotions without alcohol. When I first came to SR I was so very scared. Period. And that was all I knew for sure.

People warned me that it is a journey and a roller coaster ride at times. I knew deep down that sobriety would be my only option to bring everything I want to have and feel in my life...and keep it there. No more shame. No more guilt. No more apologizing. That entire routine is so predictably self-destructive.

Be gentle on yourself with all that you are feeling and experiencing. It is tough. But you CAN do sober-ness! On my days full of f-bombs I would meticulously clean toilets. Something I have always hated to do. Just talk to the toilet and then flush it all away. Ollie, stay close to SR for round the clock support and wisdom.

You are the most essential component of this entire journey. The benefits will be felt daily and last a lifetime. The hard moments pass. They do :) Being your best self is a daily process of discovery. More lighthearted moments will come.

This I know from just 70ish days. Hang in there. There is so much support here. Welcome again.

:grouphug:

Ollie, I married my husband when I was 24. I didn't start drinking alcoholically until I was 25 or 26. My husband didn't marry an active alcoholic. He didn't fall in love with a woman who couldn't draw a sober breath. He didn't fall in love with someone who drank so much she became borderline psychotic. He did, however, stay in love with her.

I have often felt unworthy of my husband's love. I sometimes think that I was trying to push him away for a long time. I needed him to leave me so I could justify my drinking and my eventual suicide. At one point, he quit drinking and I tried to persuade him to not quit for me. He finally told me that he quit for himself. I couldn't comprehend that. My relationship with alcohol made clear to him that his relationship with alcohol was starting to sour so he quit.

What I have come to accept is that I'm not the woman my husband married. He's not the man I married. We have grown as individuals over the years. My husband has watched me flounder and flop and suffer and nearly die from disease that turns my mind in on itself in such a destructive way that it's a wonder that I'm alive. He has also watched me struggle and crawl and climb out of a deep, dark pit of alcoholism, mental illness, isolation and depression. He is a witness to my rebirth into a life I could have never imagined. I've gone from someone who could barely lift a glass, walk down stairs or complete a thought into someone who is a positive influence in the lives of her friends and the day to day strangers she encounters.

You don't have to earn your husband's love. All you have to do is live a life in which you can love yourself. A soul mate will love you for who you truly are. Live the life you love and people who love you will want to live that life with you. If you love the life of a sober alcoholic in recovery, live that life. Be true to yourself. Your husband will love you for who you are. Don't try to be a person you think your husband wants you to be. Be a person you can love because in the end, you have to live with the person you see in the mirror. Be honest, be true and live in love.

Stay off the sauce and all these problems will fade away.

(Probably to be replaced by entirely different problems not involving alcohol, but that's life for you.)

How about the term "non drinker" . . . your husband married a "non drinker" form now on!! :)

Or teetotaler :) Lots of mention of this since I joined SR and I just think it is a fun word to say. Does not roll of the tongue easily for me though.

:grouphug: