MasterSkywalker

im not real comfortable saying a lot, but I don't have any self esteem anymore... ever since I turned 40 ive been rejected by almost every lady I try to ask out on a date... its been real bad, I don't have much to offer them cause im poor... I don't understand why im not allowed to be with anyone? im tired of being alone, I want to just die and be done with it... im sorry, I hurts and im very depressed and suicidal over it...

Gilmer

No truly excellent woman who has any depth to her would reject a good guy because of his income.

You need to like yourself, Skywalker. Become a man of fine character. Do things you can be proud of. Have a personal code.

One of the best ways to develop character is by serving others. There's a good reason AA puts such stock in service; it expands people beyond the confines of their relatively small selves. As you are exposed to more and more situations and enact your own personal code of nobility, you will grow deeper and more multi-faceted.

Then more women will no doubt be drawn to you. Good women like impressive men--and the keepers are those who don't settle for trinkets.

PurpleKnight

Hey MS, thanks for sharing!!

For me sorting out my addiction to alcohol was the first thing I needed to do to sort out my life, I struggled for so long with thoughts of not having things that others have, the normal things of relationship, family etc

I needed though to like myself when I looked in the mirror, I'm still a work in progress, but things have improved since getting Sober, I realised how could I expect anyone to like me, if I didn't even like myself? I hated many things about myself but I needed to turn that around.

It'll take time, but we can all get there!!

Aellyce

I am a 40 yo woman who has always been very interested in what attracts people to each-other. I agree with Gilmer. I am pretty highly aware of what/whom I am drawn to... and how these attractions have varied somewhat throughout my life depending on my own personal intellectual, emotional, and spiritual health at any given time. Mind you, this is true not only in the romantic sense, but for friendships and even work relationships as well.

Here is something about attraction that I really like, from Ayn Rand's 'Atlas Shrugged' book. You can switch man/woman freely as I think it's true for both. A little long but is worth a read through, I think:
Francisco D

HeadLump

I don't know how long you've been sober, MS, but my self-esteem was rock bottom when I finally decided to quit. But week by week, month by month it grew. It is now miles higher than it's ever been

I now have confidence that I can be the person I want to be, I am less selfish and much calmer. I laugh and smile more easily and feel a greater connection to other people. I feel a happiness within which bubbles to the surface at times and I know I am much nicer to be with.

Give yourself time, MS. Early sobriety is very hard, especially when you add loneliness and depression into the mix. Better times will come

Boudicca

Thank you for sharing, Skywalker. It is sometimes very hard to share feelings of deep loneliness and rejection. I applaud your honesty. I also agree with other posters that you must love and value yourself first; the rest will follow in due course.

Have you tried friendship? Perhaps just developing some good friendships with women might be a good place to start. After all, the skills we need in romantic relationships are also the skills we use in friendship. It might be a good place to practice self-esteem, healthy boundaries and social skills. Who knows it might also develop into deeper relationships. Why not focus on having friends and having fun FIRST.....

Good luck and keep us posted.

Dee74

Hi MasterSkywalker

Believe me, there are women out there who are just as deep and non superficial as we are

I think we have to put our best foot forward tho - if your self esteem is low then maybe thats something to work on before finding a partner?

It's not really fair to ask someone else to love us if we haven't put in the effort to love ourselves.

I found I felt a lot better about myself when I did some volunteer work, for example - is something like that an option for you?

D

Anna

I agree with the above advice Skywalker.

You will attract to you, what you put out there. For me, there was a significant shift in what kind of people came into my life when I was in recovery.

You will find the right person, once you begin to love yourself.

MIRecovery

Let's take a deep breath. You were an active alcoholic 2 months ago. Most women are not going to be beating down your door when you are slurring your words and smell horrible.

I know I could just barely walk and talk for the first six months. I could hardly take care of myself. So why would I attract someone else.

So slow down and concentrate on yourself. Get sober stay sober and recover

MasterSkywalker

bad things happened to me, and im going to drink... ive been rejected by a entire room full of people and it hurts... they don't care about me and that hurts worse...

Dee74

I'm not sure what happened but I do know drinking is not the solution - you've been down that road Master S....probably a few times?

Bad things happened to me too - to lots of us here actually.
It's tough but it's not impossible to find peace - as long as you commit to trying to find positive healthy solutions.

What about caring for yourself - and trying something different?

The only thing the same old same old gets you is the same old same old...

D

MasterSkywalker

im alone and I don't have anyone that I can trust... I don't know who to talk too because I don't like being in a huge room with strangers...

Boudicca

There are other options. If you don't like groups, could you find a therapist or counselor to work with you one on one? I am not sure where you are located, but perhaps an online search would be productive?

I seem to hear quite a bit of depression in your tone. Are you depressed? Perhaps you can seek medical treatment?

Could you be more specific about what you would like to happen in your life?

There are many individuals here at SR and we want to help but it's hard to offer concrete suggestions without a little more info from you.

Keep us posted

MIRecovery

How is it and entire room full of people can reject you?

Boudicca

Obviously they can't. But it is possible the the OP "feels" rejected by an entire room of people. IMO, that should be the issue at hand here.

Perhaps we can focus on trying to positively respond to an individual who is obviously in tremendous emotional pain without being confrontational.

Boudicca

Skywalker, is there anyone in your life that you feel you can trust?

MIRecovery

Point taken and I apologize. Today is a difficult day and I was wrong.

On a positive note. I have discovered that as I stay sober my self esteem gets a little stronger everyday.

Nuudawn

Skywalker...my romantic history has been stormy at best. For the most part, it has left me feeling lonely, rejected and abandoned often. Beneath the very bowels of my own addiction, there has long been sage counsel I abandoned and rejected....

It was always there beneath my own self pity. Was it God's voice or my own? I honestly don't know. But it whispered..it was there..."you know you need to quit drinking". I persisted and defied my own interior counsel for...decades. Sometimes I would even answer that counsel "well other alcoholics have relationships????"

Sweetie, I have no idea where you are in your journey. I did try to look but only found two threads. I would really love to know a little more about you. I'm hoping you feel safe enough...that there is a level of anonymity here that you can reach out a little more ...and let us in. Please?

You sound so very sad and defeated. Please talk to us a little more? Please.

Aellyce

Well, Skywalker - try to talk to us here on SR, maybe You will find genuine concern and perhaps the anonymity helps somewhat? It really is a safe haven without any risk whatsoever.

Boudicca

Those days happen don't they? I can totally understand where you are coming from.

It IS great how removing alcohol from our lives gives us room to grow. I am experiencing this as well.

TY