sunnyside1

I drank after 95 sober days. I am so depressed. I hurt myself and I let down my family. Today is day one and I feel like hell. Physically and emotionally. All the deep pain and hell of active alcoholism are here in full force. I want so much to just numb myself out and not feel what I'm feeling but I know that's not the answer. I am so full of sadness and regret that life just feels impossible right now.

Dee74

Welcome back sunnyside1

It happens to a lot of us - the best thing you can do now is make sure it doesn't happen again.

What had you been doing for your recovery? do you think you could do more?

D

SoberHoopsFan

Those 95 sober days don't suddenly just disappear, you're right back at it which is important. Keep your head up

ScottFromWI

Good job on coming back before things got too out of hand. What do you think made you decide to drink again? Usually it's because our plan was not effective enough, or we didn't follow it. Learn from this and move forward.

happyandfree

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. You can do it. Re-evaluate what your weak spots were and how to prevent it from happening again. You will end up being stronger. It's ok.

NightsWatch

I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible sunnyside. I've been there, but with less than 95 days (quite an accomplishment!). One of my favorite quotes from Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes) is - "There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse." It's normal to beat ourselves up, but one of the things I've had to learn for my recovery is to forgive myself and treat myself with compassion when I screw up. Give yourself a break! You're human. None of us (even people without alcohol addiction) has gone through life doing everything right. The good thing is that we learn from our mistakes and move forward, stronger than we were before. Hang in there. You can do it!

sunnyside1

Sorry but I think I'm having trouble figuring out how to reply. I keep thinking I'm posting but its not working. Hopefully this works. Thank you everyone so much for your responses. I really appreciate them. I basically read sr daily and see a therapist regularly. I drank over relationship issues. It sounds so dumb but I just did not want to feel what I was feeling. But as always, alcohol will never make anything better for me

Raider

I'm sorry.

Waterfalls2014

You was sober 95 days. That's something to be proud of. Tomorrow is a new day. You have what it takes. You can do it again and beyond. Best wishes!

sunnyside1

Thank you very much

gettingbetter64

Don't be too hard on yourself. Just start day 1 again.

aborkie

Wow, your words said it all. The battle never ends. Stay strong.
Great job on 95 days.

Croissant

Sunnyside....I'm sorry you feel so disappointed with yourself right now. Around the 90 day mark was a struggle for me also and I slipped at that point when I first got sober.

I felt overwhelmed, angry that I had this huge thing to overcome. It took at least a week for me to emotionally get through it, to be honest. I was shocked I drank, then went on a bender, it was horrible.

It probably doesn't feel like it now, but you can use this to draw strength on. Maybe writing down how horrible it feels, why you think you drank can help.

It's not the end of the world, but definitely look at what led to you drinking and learn from it.

I learned recovery isn't just about being sober, I had to take every feeling that could lead to drinking and learn how to deal with it....and most of all, the responsibility was all mine.

Mags1

Hi sunnyside, welcome back. Dust yourself off and start right over again, except you may have learnt some of the pitfalls that lead you back and watch out for them. That crafty av just waiting for it's chance.

Remember, we're always here to lean on, moan to, chat to, we help each other to keep sober.

sunnyside1

Croissant, thank you for sharing your experience. This binge was so terrible. I definitely need to learn how to better cope with my feelings. My entire life I've been trying to find something outside myself to make me feel ok and it just doesn't work that way. My mom and my aunt died 6 months appart from each other due to their addictions and prior to that I watched them suffer basically my whole life. I really should know better but here I am.

sunnyside1

Thank you

Soberpotamus

Hi Sunny, I lost my mom to her addiction as well. I know it must be rough for your right now. Sobriety is going to help you deal with all those emotions and not bury them to fester over for later. 90+ days is great! You know you can do this Don't fret too much, just pick right back up where you left off. Looking back, I wish I'd gone through the grief a little earlier on, sober. I waited about three years after she died to get sober. Anyway, just wanted to share that bit with you. Pulling for you!

Nuudawn

Sounds dumb? Honey, that's exactly why we drink. That's addiction in a nutshell. You are belittling yourself for actually being incredibly insightful. We need to allow ourselves to feel again...without judging it or trying to run from it.

I bought a book years ago...not even sure why I did as I know I did not understand its title. I do now.

"Wherever you go, there you are".

I think I used to think of that saying as more of a curse...than a comfort. You cannot run from your own interiors...time we start working on a renovation. Time to make friends with who you are...learn how to be a comfort to yourself. Learn how to be kind to yourself...and talk back to your unloving inner tyrant.

Croissant

My Mother also died from her addictions Sunnyside. It's very scary to have to deal with that legacy and know I could have been headed for the same demise if I kept going.

Don't give up hope. It can be done. I love my life now and the burden of addiction doesn't hang as heavy as it once used to.

instant

Just pick yourself up dust off and have another go. I kept making the same old mistakes. It helps to recognise the danger signs- the worst one for me was feeling good!! i still get ideas to drink when i am tired, stressed or pissed off (relationships!!!!!!)- so i have to learn ways of recognising these things and work out better ways of getting through them. It can be done, and with more practice the better at it you get.