Should I tell him about SR?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Should I tell him about SR?
I have a "friend" on Facebook who is a guy that I've known since middle school/ went to high school with. We grew up in a small town so both of us are basically friends with the rest of whomever else we went to high school/ middle school with. Aside from chatting occasionally at school, that's basically the extent of our friendship. I haven't seen him in person since we graduated over 10 years ago.
Anyway, ever since befriending him on Facebook I have seen, what looks like a lot of drama related to alcohol and possibly drugs. It's hard not to notice this stuff. Occasionally he posts incoherent posts riddled with misspelled words regarding some recent drama in his life (he just recently got divorced and had 3 small children), which are followed by "God please help me" posts the next day. He often has other "friends" commenting on said posts saying things like "what are you doing? did you fall off the wagon again?" etc etc. Tonight he is posting about going to a local bar and already his friends are warning him about the dangers of going to the bar while he is new in recovery. It sounds like he is in AA or something similar to it. I think he also just recently got a DUI.
The point is, is that it looks to me like he's a mess. I want to refer him to this website in case he isn't aware of it because, despite hardly knowing him I hate to see someone suffering like that and maybe this site could help him. It helped me, after all. But of course I could be totally wrong. I'm just going by what I see off Facebook, after all. I'm hesitant because I don't want to overstep my bounds with him or offend him in any way. I don't really want him to know about my situation and I certainly don't want anyone else in my small town knowing about my situation. I don't even want to have any sort of relationship with him other than this very distant pseudo friendship we currently have. What are your thoughts?
Anyway, ever since befriending him on Facebook I have seen, what looks like a lot of drama related to alcohol and possibly drugs. It's hard not to notice this stuff. Occasionally he posts incoherent posts riddled with misspelled words regarding some recent drama in his life (he just recently got divorced and had 3 small children), which are followed by "God please help me" posts the next day. He often has other "friends" commenting on said posts saying things like "what are you doing? did you fall off the wagon again?" etc etc. Tonight he is posting about going to a local bar and already his friends are warning him about the dangers of going to the bar while he is new in recovery. It sounds like he is in AA or something similar to it. I think he also just recently got a DUI.
The point is, is that it looks to me like he's a mess. I want to refer him to this website in case he isn't aware of it because, despite hardly knowing him I hate to see someone suffering like that and maybe this site could help him. It helped me, after all. But of course I could be totally wrong. I'm just going by what I see off Facebook, after all. I'm hesitant because I don't want to overstep my bounds with him or offend him in any way. I don't really want him to know about my situation and I certainly don't want anyone else in my small town knowing about my situation. I don't even want to have any sort of relationship with him other than this very distant pseudo friendship we currently have. What are your thoughts?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
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I agree. I would do it anonymously with friends of mine. I imagine they would then want to know your screen name and read all your old posts. That might be fine with you but it would be a little too personal for anyone I know to read everything I've written here. I say send the anonymous email.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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My vote is not to send an anonymous email if you aren't willing to do it un-anonymously. Personally I would be alarmed at receiving a personal message like that and be racked with worry about who in my life would do something like that, it's paranoia inducing.
If you can't say it courageously don't try to do it on the sly.
You can certainly reach out to offer your suggestion of sobriety websites (SR is not the only place for that) but it sounds like you aren't willing to do that, so don't say anything. JMHO
If you can't say it courageously don't try to do it on the sly.
You can certainly reach out to offer your suggestion of sobriety websites (SR is not the only place for that) but it sounds like you aren't willing to do that, so don't say anything. JMHO
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
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I wouldn't do anything that might jeopardize your own relationship with sr. For me, I also live in a small town so the anonymity of sr is important to me. I really feel that I need sr to stay on the right track (sober) and I am happy that I don't know anyone else on it. It's like having your own private program with others who are in the same boat. I think I might be hesitant to post if I knew others knew me in my town. Just a thought.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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I would probably start with a conversation about something mutual. Eventually lead into how you knew a "friend" who did a web search and found a recovery group. Leave it up to them from there. If they do a search they will find SR. If they keep posting those things on Facebook you can keep stressing the web search. Most people know when it's time to quit. They will appreciate your suggestions. And you won't be jeopardizing your own sobriety.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Tough question... but I am with kittycat on this. If he is really an alcoholic and anything like I was while drinking, he might go crazy with paranoia about the source of such an email. Of course this is hard to predict not knowing him much, maybe some people might be content it was some sort of guardian angel or something...
I would personally also have a problem with my dishonesty, but that might just be me.
If he is an active Facebook user, he may be natural at using the web for all sorts of other things as well, including information. And if he's at a stage where he is interested in seeking help, he might just do it himself. If he is not interested, probably you could not help much anyway. As I said it's a tough question because we naturally empathize with anyone having similar troubles, but like it's always said also on SR, it's best to put our own recovery first. Especially given this is not even a close friend of yours.
If I did not worry about my anonymity, then I might try to reach out given his rather explicit posts and just say you have seen those comments and have heard there are online support sites, and here is one, blah blah blah. Then it's up to his curiosity/detective skills and your luck whether he finds you on SR.
I would personally also have a problem with my dishonesty, but that might just be me.
If he is an active Facebook user, he may be natural at using the web for all sorts of other things as well, including information. And if he's at a stage where he is interested in seeking help, he might just do it himself. If he is not interested, probably you could not help much anyway. As I said it's a tough question because we naturally empathize with anyone having similar troubles, but like it's always said also on SR, it's best to put our own recovery first. Especially given this is not even a close friend of yours.
If I did not worry about my anonymity, then I might try to reach out given his rather explicit posts and just say you have seen those comments and have heard there are online support sites, and here is one, blah blah blah. Then it's up to his curiosity/detective skills and your luck whether he finds you on SR.
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I think I'll go with the anonymous thing. Telling him straight out about my experience is not an option. I don't want to be dishonest with him either by spinning a web. That could backfire quite easily. He might already know about this site anyway. It sounds like he's going to AA so if he's doing that and that isn't working then... SR might not even help. I still want him to know about this and a couple other sites as well though. I always thought he had a good heart. He was always nice to me in school. I hate to see him suffering like this. What's worse, I've had a couple friends from high school die from suicide and drugs already. I'd feel awful if something like that happened to him too. It's completely out of my control, I know, but what if by some off chance a site like this helps him?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
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i vote for the anonymous email too. That is really nice of you to do that. When I was searching around for random advice on quitting I kept getting on this site but I was a complete idiot and didn't understand that it was an actual support line until I finally figured it out. This is such a great site that if he really was serious about stopping or even just curious he can check it out. All of which I know you already know. Anyway I think that is really nice of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Canada
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oh I didn't fully read kittycat's comment. I guess it might be kind of paranoia inducing if someone sent me that kind of email. I hadn't thought about that. However he is in recovery and it is known on FB so it's not so far fetched and it is a kind gesture. Ah ok I am not being helpful anymore... but this site is so good especially if he is serious and needs support.
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Well I tried. I made a new email account, set up a new Facebook account, and attempted to send him a message that said "I heard about some of your struggles. If you haven't heard about these websites they might help. They helped me with my addiction and now I'm free.
Drug Rehabilitation | Drug Addiction Treatment Center | Alcoholism | Addiction Mental Health | Directory Substance Abuse Detox Programs | SoberRecovery
Hope this helps."
There's another website on there, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post it on these forums. Anyway, Facebook sent me a note that said it'd go to his "other" inbox. Apparently there's a junk box on Facebook and if you're not friends with the person and you send them a message it goes there. (On that note, I checked my "other" inbox and I had a note from some guy from 2011 that said "I want some cobbler" and I had just posted a picture of a cobbler I had made at the time... weird). Anyway, he'll get the message if he happens to check his "other" inbox. Either way it sounds like he has a lot of friends rallying for him so I think he has a good support network. I just hope he's able to sort himself out someday.
Drug Rehabilitation | Drug Addiction Treatment Center | Alcoholism | Addiction Mental Health | Directory Substance Abuse Detox Programs | SoberRecovery
Hope this helps."
There's another website on there, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post it on these forums. Anyway, Facebook sent me a note that said it'd go to his "other" inbox. Apparently there's a junk box on Facebook and if you're not friends with the person and you send them a message it goes there. (On that note, I checked my "other" inbox and I had a note from some guy from 2011 that said "I want some cobbler" and I had just posted a picture of a cobbler I had made at the time... weird). Anyway, he'll get the message if he happens to check his "other" inbox. Either way it sounds like he has a lot of friends rallying for him so I think he has a good support network. I just hope he's able to sort himself out someday.
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Yep that's one of the reasons I want this to be anonymous. I don't want to know anyone on here or have anyone know me because sometimes I talk about things on here that I don't want anyone else to know.
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