Having a tough time at this very moment
 

Ok,

The "urge" to consume has actually hit me now. This is how it happens always:

1) I fall off and binge
2) I justify the binge
3) I get caught or I confess usually sending me into an, "I don't care about anything and anyone" frame of mind, allowing me to justify binging even more.
4) I wake up the next day...... oh the guilt. What did I do?
5) Anxiety, depression, fear and self loathing all day
6) I apologize and smooth things over
7) Things feel repaired and back to normal

Here's where I am at right now:

8) Now that everything is fine, I can drink again, just hide it more carefully
9) I'm in an emotional tug of war with the side of me that says no! and the side that says YES!

I know I can do this and say no. This is horrible to confess, but, my guy just left to run an errand and the only thing I am thinking about is, "No one will know. Just a little and that's all. It won't be too bad to have a little (which NEVER remains a little.)"

This is where I'm stuck.... #8 and #9. If I can make it past this phase, I'm pretty sure I won't screw up and drink tonight.:headbange

Hang in there. Your AV is trying to convince you that it's ok to drink because IT wants to drink.

You don't want to drink. That is the duality of it. Recognize the second voice as a second entity in you. Tell it to shut up, have a big dinner this will ease your mind. And I mean a huge dinner. Enough to make you sleepy type dinner.

Then have some ice cream or something you enjoy and stay close to SR.

This shall pass

Why is "everything fine"? . . . you gotta hammer that one out, is it merely feeling physically/mentally fine? or thinking your in some way cured/fixed through a period of abstinence?

I really needed to accept that these were myths, also will it ever be a little? . . . I always drank more than a little.

The thoughts and mental processes need to be permanently broken by working out the myths from the facts of the situation!!

You can do this!! :)

It takes a level of integrity to recover from alcoholism. Not sneaking a drink, not lying to yourself about being able to handle "just one" drink. The cycle can end right here by staying on the sober path.

Don't get back on the merry go round. Doesn't that sound exhausting, to go around and around on the vicious cycle for another trip?

Just don't do it, instead embrace the lack of worry and shame and the simpler life you can have without booze. Stick with it for long enough and it really begins to blossom (numerous posts from long-term sober people backing that statement up on this site).

If you don't stop now (which means riding out cravings such as this one)...then when? The most important person who "will know" is you. You're the one who has to live with all the shame and self loathing tomorrow. Really is it worth it? It takes you to stand up to you. It takes you to smack that AV down.
Authority over our own thoughts is required. They will pop up..sometimes out of nowhere. But they are only thoughts. Sometimes I am downright amused when a minor AV chirps..the fleeting ones. I am just amused at how they appear...like a kid yanking on its mother's skirt.

Listen to the counsel of your good self...not the immature, whiny, sneaky conniving little AV.

Hey colorado. That sounds like a journal from my life. Break that cycle. You can do this. Turn that self loathing into pride. We all believe in you.

Skip dinner and plow into the ice cream NOW. Tell that AV beast it can have a drink tomorrow. (always tomorrow!) As long as you don't take that first drink you'll be fine.

Oh my lord! The ice cream WORKS!!!!!! I went right to the freezer and had a dark chocolate and vanilla Magnum bar and POOF! The crave was gone!

Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!:c029:

WTG Oddkins. You're on your way. YOU ROCK!!!

I pulled the ice-cream trick a few times :) It DOES work well, doesn't it? Way to go!!

It sure does! I really was feeling the "itch for a drink"... pacing and everything. Ice cream, what a delicious miracle! :)

way to go Oddkins! you can do this! heard something new here at SR lately that really hit me - we have control over our sobriety... wow! i know i do not have any control over alcohol. but i have control over my sobriety?! that one hits home...

A 92 yr old who is a regular at one of my meetings has one of favorite sayings.

You don't have to drink if you don't want to. Hell, you don't have to drink even if you do

The choice was and always will be ours

This is where I always got stuck too. But, you know what, everything was NOT fine. I convinced myself I had smoothed things over, fixed the problems, excused my behaviour. But, in retrospect, that was not so.

Each time I went through the cycle, I lost a little bit more of myself.

Hi Oddkins - your Step 8 really resonates with me. I thought so often 'if my family don't know then it will be ok'. Firstly, they usually did suspect (99% of the time). BUT more importantly, now that I am sober if that thought enters my mind I think a little harder ' so even if I did get away with it, I would know - this is my recovery - I don't want to induce that sort of guilt and remorse upon myself and I certainly don't want to start the cycle again'.