Nowsthetime

So...

Almost 4 months. Feel great. AV still present but I am great at ignoring. I have been trying to engage my husband in conversation about me being sober, my feelings, etc. but every time I mention anything he completely changes the subject, he doesn't want to talk about it. I have just been leaving it alone because I want to be respectful of him and not pick at our relationship's scabs but I really need some interaction. I do not have anyone to actually talk to about it. None of my friends or family will say I am an alcoholic, problem drinker, whatever you want to call it. I do not want to go to AA...

I have my "besty's" 30th Bday coming up so last night I was telling him that I was excited about going to it sober, that I was glad that I wouldn't have a hangover, that I would be present and remember everything, then I said that I will definitely will be craving an espresso martini... There was really no response. Actually, every time I have tried to engage anyone it is like they feel uncomfortable...

Oh well. I will just keep going. I really want to go to a counselor but my husband doesn't support that... I will just vent here.

I feel better already.

Carlotta

You are an adult woman who does not need permission to do things aren't you?
If you feel that you need it, go see a counselor and pay for it. It's your recovery.

trachemys

+1 for Carlotto's way.

You can pay for it with your former booze budget.

phoebe64

How is he about discussing other feelings and emotional issues? I know my dh does not talk very deeply about much of that stuff, and I need to rely on others or places like SR for that, wrt to my drinking issues, especially.

Then, there is the fact that if they are not alcoholic, they simply cannot identify with all of our feelings surrounding drinking, not drinking and sobriety. How about a therapist for you, even if your husband will not go, since you want to talk to someone?

Well done on the 4 months!

And if you want to talk about it here, there are many people who will respond!

biminiblue

People who do not have a problem with drinking don't understand. They probably never will.

Why don't you want to go to AA? I'm not saying you need to or should, but at least people understand it all there.

FreeOwl

carlotta nailed it.

You are only responsible for you. He will either choose to take interest and offer support, or not.

You can ask for his interest and support, but if you're not getting it - chasing it will only use up valuable time and emotional energy that will be better put toward doing your self work.

As frustrating and disappointing and painful as it may be, set it aside and tace care of YOU.

Nonsensical

Similar situation with my wife and kids and siblings and parents. I suspect it has something to do with the string of broken promises I previously left in my wake. Nobody wants to set themselves up for another disappointment.

KAD

I second that. When I was still married, I went so far as to make an appointment with a counselor. I was drinking a lot (even though it was all in hiding), depressed, and suicidal. My wife at the time talked me out of going to the appointment (She eventually revealed the real reason: she was afraid a counselor might convince me that she was the cause of all my troubles!) So, I continued to drink and feel depressed and suicidal for another couple years.

You are the only person who can truly take care of you. I encourage you to do whatever it takes to do that.

Soberpotamus

My husband was skeptical about and is probably against therapy too (despite my having a college degree in Psychology), but I went anyway. Do what you need to do, especially considering no one around you seems to understand what is going on here. I highly suggest to follow up on your idea for therapy.

Rence

Hi,

Rule #1 in trying to achieve sobriety: YOU are #1 ! When you take care of yourself, the others will fall into place.

The second thing, you don't want to go to AA. In my own experience - the people in AA have done more and better for me than any counselor, doctor or others in that area. Each time I relapsed and continued to struggle I did something for my recovery that I had previously not wanted to do. Each of those things helped to a certain degree. I finally the surrendered totally to AA and it's community of people who REALLY know this thing. If you are not ready to surrender yet, you may be some day. My continuing failures left me with no other recourse.

Best Wishes,
Terry

ElleDee

Do what you need to do and don't concern yourself with your dh. Talk to us, talk to other friends, get your support anywhere you can.

I have one of husbands. He only has anger about my issue with alcohol so we can't talk about it. Makes me sad because he used to be in the same boat, quit drinking 30 years ago. I thought he could be supportive. But he's not.

Nowsthetime

I was really looking into it when I first decided to go sober but then lost steam. I might start looking into it again. It is not only about the booze, it is for other issues more than anything. I have been telling people that I quit drinking and I have been getting different responses, but now that I think about it, I am going to stop announcing it. It is nobody's business anyway.

Now the therapist... I really think it would be beneficial just as it would be for anyone but I think I would have to hide it from my hubby and pay for it myself. He doesn't believe I have that kind of problem and can't justify spending the cash on it.

I still feel good about never drinking again so that is good. I am also regaining trust from him so that is nice. I am going to a baby shower and then the 30th bday and I think he believes that I am not drinking and so far is not complaining about me going. In the past I would be drunk by the end of the babyshower...

Oh well, we shall see.

Nowsthetime

I work in the courthouses in several counties where I live so I can't go to AA in my community. I am not totally against going to a meeting someday but I don't think that it is possible right now. I find that this is my AA place. I come here and read everyday.

Anna

It's important to remember that this is your recovery, not your husbands. You should do what you think you need to do.

Hereandnow2

Nowsthetime, I agree that this is about you but I think that people in your life that love you should be somewhat responsive/interested in your recovery. I feel somewhat consumed with my recovery and I talk about it more openly with the people in my life that ask about it. It's a huge life change and I expect my true friends to be there for me through this even if they don't get it. So far my friends have been proud of me but a few have been quiet and unresponsive! I have also made several acquaintances through aa that I now call. I am in a dinar situation in terms of my job and go to meeting further away my job. My husband listens but is probably bored sick of hearing about it!

Notmyrealname

I think you should tell him (husband) you want to talk about it but recognize and respect that he might not want to spontaneously jump into that conversation, so you would like to set up a time, like a half hour or something, two weeks after next Friday, to have that conversation with him.

That way it's all set up and he can be ready for it, it's not going to be this serious discussion all of a sudden when he's not in the mood for serious thought, it'll be scheduled, and that way he's already mentally dialed in, and also he knows it's only for 30 minutes, tops, so there's a light at end of tunnel.

I am a man, and that seems reasonable to me, so maybe that would work for him, too.


Or maybe you are just trying to talk to someone who shares that interest? In that case, AA or SR.

PurpleKnight

Sometimes people don't want to talk about something they don't understand, alcohol and problem drinking can be one of those topics, not too sure what part of the world your from, but where I come from talking about drinking being a problem is a non starter, it's swept under the carpet, you'd think no one ever had a problem with it.