Mrrryah1

I am. And it's not fun.

Sometimes I feel judgement from other people, when I "come back" to my home group for the thousandth time, beat up and embarrassed and swearing I want to change.... I feel as though they are looking at me saying "Seriously - again???? WHY can't you just get it - like I did? Why can't you make the decision and stick with it - like I did?" or maybe "You need some acceptance - like I found when I hit my bottom."

Before anyone tells me that's all in my own head - come on. Yes, I know I judge myself also. BUT - we all know people judge others also, even though we are not technically "supposed to". I've been witness to many of those types of conversations and thought processes about other chronic relapsers, so I'm not just imagining that it's also happening to me. People that always used to say "Hi" and "Welcome Back" to me now avoid eye contact and don't say anything. It is what it is. They don't want to hear my same old story, and I don't blame them one bit.

I've had many sponsors get frustrated with me also (and tell me so). Because for periods of time, I will be engulfed in recovery. I will talk to AA friends and my sponsor every day, go to meetings, work the steps, read the big book, swear that I really feel "different this time". And I mean it when I say it. Every, single, time. My sponsors have told me they are questioning their own adequacy, when I seem to be doing absolutely everything they did themselves, and everything they are asking me to do, yet I still decide to pick up that drink again, out of nowhere.

Sometimes I just want to say to people... "Do you think this is fun? Feeling like a constant failure? REALLY meaning, in my own brain, that I am done with alcohol forever. Making a commitment to myself to change, forever. Feeling so low, that I know to the deepest core to my being that there is NO bottom I can ever hit that will be lower. Knowing (thinking I know) that THIS IS IT this time. This was the last relapse"... only to have my brain completely switch gears on me a few days, weeks, months later and tell me that I can drink?

It is NOT fun. It is torture. I look in the mirror every morning and I just want to vomit, I'm so disgusted with myself and the fact that I can't just "get this". I can't just hold on to that feeling of desperation & willingness that so many other people seem to be able to hold on to, to get them through those tough cravings and to keep them committed.

I absolutely hate it. This cycle of chronic relapsing is ruining my life. I just want it to stop so badly. I've tried and tried and tried. I've listened to others and what they did. I've tried what they did. I've prayed and prayed and tried to connect to a higher power. I've found a sober network of friends to reach out to, and I've made an effort to spend time with them. The list goes on.

I've worked the 12 steps to the absolute best of my ability. And for period of time, it's actually helped and I've started to see/feel a change in my life. But never enough that my crazy mind didn't once again say "well now that I feel so much better and dealt with all of these issues, having some drinks here & there shouldn't be a big deal."

WHY!!?!! WHY does my brain think this way? I feel absolutely insane. I can't control my own thought processes and they don't make any sense. I just want a lobotomy. I hate being like this.

I am absolutely powerless over this cycle of relapsing, just as much as I have ever been powerless over alcohol.

For anyone who might be passing judgement on a chronic relapser. For gods sake. It's an absolute living h*ll and nobody in their right mind would choose to live this life.

Rant over.

PurpleKnight

I've been there, so there will be no judging from this corner, I went round and round in the same circles and it's the most frustrating thing I've ever experienced.

Sometimes though we just need to keep things simple, we can be doing all the right things, all the things alcoholics should do, or be seen to be doing, but still not be Sober because we're focusing on the methods more than the end result we're trying to achieve in the first place.

We could go to all the meetings that are available 24/7 and have a sponsor but if we're still drinking then it's not working. For me I realised that the only thing I need to achieve is alcohol not being anywhere near me, and if that's the case then I clearly won't be drinking today.

I got strict with myself, I started leaving my bank cards at home when I would go to work, so I couldn't stop off at the liquor store on the way home, in the evenings I almost locked myself in so I couldn't go out to drink, I got to the stage when I realised if I don't go anywhere in the evenings for the first month, that would equal a month Sober.

Hang in there, it's definitely not easy, but don't give up hope, you have it within yourself to get there!!

doggonecarl

I wouldn't call myself a chronic relapser. But I've drank after deciding I wouldn't. All my relapses were decisions. No unconscious drinking on my part. I made a decision. An insane one, but a decision none the less. Just like the decisions to not drink.

I have nothing sage to offer. But since you recognize when you make the decision to drink, perhaps you will figure out a way to intervene, because no one can do it for you.

Anna

Try to not focus on what other people think about your recovery or your relapses. Focus on yourself and keep the intention of staying sober. Use your energy to move forward with recovery rather than worrying about what others think. You can do this, so don't despair.

trachemys

Is AA the only way you've tried? If it's not working, it's time to try another.

While you may not choose this method to stop drinking, you should go and read the Rational Recovery website. That voice in your head is not "you". It is not the part of you that wants to quit. It's your primitive, physical brain that will do anything for a buzz. Google AVRT
Also, see your doctor. They have meds that can stop the physical cravings. I'm using them.

Nonsensical

Sorry you are having a tough time. I remember feeling the way you describe. It's why I named myself Nonsensical. My thoughts weren't making any sense to me. Since then I learned a lot about how my brain works and what was going on that created this addiction/compulsion for alcohol.

Unfortunately a lobotomy wouldn't take your addiction away. It would take away the part of your brain that wants to be free of the addiction. You want to keep that part!

You can't control the impulse to drink because that isn't a thought, it's a feeling. It's a very powerful feeling, but it can be ignored. It can. Your emotions will be going bonkers for a while, but it can be ignored. It feels like your head is being held under water - but it isn't. That addiction will use every trick in the book to convince you that you need alcohol. It lies. No one needs alcohol.

Break the cycle. Tell your addiction "NO!"

You can do this.

Mrrryah1

A few people have told me to try Rational Recovery. I have a problem with that though. I ENJOY meetings. When I've been sober for a period of time and I feel "hooked in" to my home group, i ENJOY them. And I love the sober friends and people that I meet through AA. I've seen AA start to help me in my life and I've found so many benefits from it. But Rational Recovery tells me that if I am committed to it, I can't attend meetings because it's recognizing that I may drink again.

biminiblue

You are getting something out of this cycle, else you wouldn't keep doing it. Whether it's beating yourself up because you feel you are "bad" or it is all the attention you receive from people who want to help or just the simple fact you like how you feel for that first hour or so when you drink.

Figure out what you are getting out of the relapses and you'll find a way out. Nothing good is going to come out of drinking, if you are honest with yourself.

You will figure this out eventually - keep working on it.

petals

Keep trying and dont give up.

SoberHoopsFan

Well your initial post told us you are attending meetings and still drinking again. Might be time to change something up. What's the definition of insanity? There's no right or wrong way to recovery, no rule that says you can't try new things and still attend a meeting now and then (although I'm not sure what your group will say if you aren't working steps, having a sponsor, etc.)

Nonsensical

I like meetings, too. I still attend AA meetings once in a while. RR/AVRT forms the core of my sober living plan, but I don't follow the book to the letter. My program has to be right for me, so I borrow from anything I can to build my own. If it works for me I do it, if it doesn't I discard it. Getting sober is highly personal. So is my plan.

sillysuzanfree

I agree...it's time to try something besides AA. Or have you tried to going to a brand new meeting? Maybe one that focuses on newcomers? I commend you for getting sponsors and working all the steps! For some of us, it just takes longer to "Get it" and the fact that you keep coming back says that to me that you WILL get this. You just have to find new tools and resources, including seeing a doctor if you haven't already...and as has been said, don't worry about what others are thinking. It's your journey!

afloatsober

I honestly believe that we either get to a point where we profoundly know that our drinking will never be any better or different, or we don't get to that point.
For some, that point comes sooner, for others after much loss and pain, and for others never. It is those that we sadly lose.
I don't believe that consternation, frustration or the imparting of much wisdom or experience will 'get us' to that point.
We need to feel it and experience it at depth.
Anyhow that has been my experience.
17 years of trying in AA and experiencing the love and encouragement did not get me to that point of acceptance.
But i did get there when i truly believed all was lost.
It proved to be a beginning of some very hard work, much soul searching and above all a willingness to make big and unconditional changes.
In short, bloody hard work.
But i am reaping sober dividends.
G

Applekat

I feel stuck, too. I may have to try a different method in the future. But I'm not worrying about what people think. This is about me. But I also can't explain my slips. I've been able to reign them in to weekends mostly. And I've always come right back to SR. I'm thankful for the sober days I've accumulated. And I'm thankful I haven't gone back into sneaking, hiding and lying about drinking. But I also wonder how long to keep patting myself on the back for sober days (versus total and continuous sobriety) and for getting g right back on the wagon and posting again (versus being able to post before drinking). I mean, enough already, right?!

I can relate. And I'm not judging. I hope we can both kick this thing for good.

Robert777

Hi, I relate and completely understand. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I guess we have to just keep at it. Try everything there is. Every method. Take care. Never give up.

trachemys

I suggested it so you can learn what's talking in your head. You like meetings...go to meetings. Search out everything that can help you and make your own program. This site must have a dozen programs that are available for us. Research them all. Pick waht actually works and use it.

I really don't care what other people say. RR says I shouldn't needs meds to quit. Well, they don't know me or my history. I am happily not drinking because of drugs. Traded one crutch for another. Better living through chemistry. Fine, I'm NOT drinking. I can go as far as to say: I don't drink.

SunriseSky

I completely understand your frustration, Mrrryah1, because I have been struggling with the same thing and understand how difficult this is. Can I make a suggestion? Instead of focusing on your frustration, on what others think, and what hasn't worked, try to focus on your determination to stop drinking in a positive way and identify what has worked for you. If you have relapsed, that implies that you have had some sober periods. Can you put your finger on how you accomplished that? Can you figure out a way to reward yourself for sobriety instead of beating yourself up for a relapse?

alphaomega

For me, when I'm able to push through 3 or 4 miserable days, I find my footing and remember how grand it feels to be sober. It takes getting some time under my belt to do that though.

lunar

Completely Understood.
Don't give up.

Hawkeye13

Have you thought about inpatient treatment?
Sometimes you need more support in the beginning.

Change the plan if the plan isn't working.

Don't give up ever
You can do this