keithj

Such a tough place to be, Myrrrah. It's a living example of the powerlessness over alcohol that so many of us in AA have experienced. Shoot, Chapters 1-3 in the BB are all about that (Jim, Fred, jaywalker stories). The thing that all those examples have in common is lack of a deep and effective spiritual awakening.

Not everyone in AA gets this, Myrrrah. There are many people in AA that have never experienced Step 1 in a meaningful way. They simply made a decision to stop drinking, found some support within the rooms, and were able to successfully quit. That's not me, however, and that's not the experience in the BB.

I have no idea what the 'quality' of your sponsorship has been. I know that I had to look a little deeper and find those people in AA that truly understood about making that decision to never drink again, and then finding themselves drunk over and over. When I understood that truth about my own experience, I was able to take the Steps on an entirely different. A level which produced the desired and promised results for me (and a few million others).

As for those judging you, they may not be coming from the same place you are. I think we should all be surprised when anyone stays sober. Find the people who understand that.

Sobertaurus

You've received lots of good advice, and I'm sure will continue to receive it. I don't have much extra to add except that I hear what you are saying and my heart goes out to you as it does to all of us who haven't quite yet gotten it right.

Please don't ever give up.

least

I couldn't stay sober until I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

alphaomega

Great words Least. I realized that yesterday while confronted with the wine list at a restaurant that I know cellars my most favorite of all wines of all time.

I want to be sober so bad, it wasn't even an inkling.

Rence

Hi,

I know EXACTLY how you feel - and you may contact me if you still want to rant about it.
My last detox (7th since 2010) was in May. I got out of there on a Sunday and was drinking on Wednesday. The relapse lasted almost 2 weeks. But I think my frustration of relapsing (same as yours) gave me some strength to fight this. I was hopeless, helpless and sick of all of this and my own personal weakness. Since I got out in May, for the 1st time in my life, I am trying to make the suggested 90 AA meetings in 90 days. In the past I always thought that was too much. But you know what was too much ? My constant relapsing and drinking. I surrendered to doing what I should do - and I actually like it.

I too have experienced what I perceived to be people at AA being frustrated with me. Sometimes I wonder if they never relapsed, did but not to the extent of my relapsing, or simply forget being like that. Whatever the situation, I find that there are WAY more people in AA that welcome me with open arms each and every time I go back after relapsing - and those are the people I focus more on. The hope and optimism of those people is contagious and helpful. Another thing that may help is attending new meetings that you've never been to - I do that also. So my last drink was on May 29. On May 29 I felt exactly like you do. I'm just approaching a month and a half and I feel great ! On May 29 I never thought I would ever even feel like I could get the ambition to TRY to get sober again because I felt doomed to keep failing. Maybe MY frustration actually caused me to click into place. Your heightened frustration may also be the beginning of the end of this madness too - I sure hope so.

Best of wishes,
Terry

Razorback

Are any of these SMART meetings near you?
SMART Recovery® - Canada Meetings

KAD

I can relate to so much of what you said and what you are apparently feeling. I even researched hypnotism a couple times in the hopes that someone could just "erase" any and all memory of alcohol use!

Some of us get caught up in this insane pattern of self-sabotage. It's like we're mocking ourselves, but it's really the AV mocking us. It wants us to feel discouraged and hopeless and just give up. It thinks, with repeated failures to stay sober, we'll eventually decide we just can't do it and, instead of never drinking again, never try to quit again.

Like Nonsensical, I've sort of "borrowed" from whatever methods make sense to me and discarded what doesn't. The idea of the Addictive Voice as a primitive part of my brain that thinks it will die without a drink, but can't possibly get one unless I provide it, helps me to see what's really going on. Has knowing that always stopped me from drinking again? Nope, but I know exactly why I did it and take full responsibility for it.

Given that this is a highly personal thing, I don't think anything anyone says to you is going to be what makes you decide, once and for all, you really are done. As some have said here, you can't worry about what other people think or how they look at you. They can't maintain your sobriety, only you can, and it's really none of their business how, or when, you do it.

Above all, don't beat yourself up for struggling with this. If it was easy, there would be no need for sites like this, or for AA, or RR, or the myriad other tools for recovery out there. To risk sounding cliché, you're not a failure unless you give up.

Lovenjoy

hi Mrrryah, really glad you found SR! i am astounded daily by the words of wisdom to be found here. someone can always relate and i hope you are reading around and find things that click with you. i can tell you really want to stop the cycle and i believe that desire will help you find what works.

just yesterday a member posted this, in part, and it resonated with me. (thanks Marcher13!):

"Try planning. What will you do if you are tempted to drink? What will you drink instead? What sets off cravings and how you can you minimise that? What are you going to do with the time when you used to drink? It's all part of the plan.

Our recovery needs to be about putting good things into our lives not just taking something away."

i especially like the part about putting good things into our lives. not just taking something away... it sounds like you have a lot of recovery tools and they work to a point. how about new hobbies, activities, classes that aren't necessarily recovery related but things you would enjoy? things to add to your recovery plan...

or an old interest that you left behind 'cause it interfered with drinking? in early recovery i dove into reading fiction (a bit obsessively but it didn't hurt me!) something i always loved to do and hadn't done much of for years. i took up my crafts again - writing poetry, macrame, crochet - and it was fun while keeping me busy. some people find exercise of some form very helpful. something you enjoy doing that keeps you healthy and busy?!

as far as other people's attitudes... your opinion is the only one that counts. another pearl i've heard here that i took to heart: "other people's opinion of me is none of my business." you can do this, i know you can. i try to see the positive and let the negative go, it helps...

MAKE THE MOST OF THE BEST AND THE LEAST OF THE WORST. this has kept me sane when i fall short and is on my fridge to see daily.

stick around and please keep posting!!!

alphaomega

I imagine your thought process is similar to mine prior to picking up which is - See how long I have gone I must not REALLY have a problem.

Maybe I'll try just one glass of wine to see if I can control it.

Then, once the floodgates open, ok- only two glasses and then I"ll be done.

Then, oh it feels soooooo good, just one more and that's it no more. I mean it !

Then, what the hell, I've already drank, might as well keep right on going.

Morning comes, I'm sick and disgusted at my lack of self control. Vowing, NO MORE !!

But then I start to feel a little better, or maybe just stop wanting to fight the whole process, and give in again. ANd again and again and again. Until I can't bear to look into my eyes in the mirror anymore without wanting to vomit at my fallibility.

Then, I ponder day one for a while. Once day one gets locked and loaded, day two seems even harder as I'm typically feeling a bit better and I slip back into - oh who cares ! It's only WINE for God's sake. Whats all the fuss about ? Even Jesus drank wine !

Am I getting warmer ?

WritingHelps

Thanks for your post. I'm back on this site after a long hiatus. I was having a bad craving to go drink after work, but instead went to Starbucks and read this. I can completely relate. I go back and forth too much, always forgetting the bad times in favor of remembering good times (or not as bad times). I'm newly married and my husband and I both want to stop drinking, but it's hard. I don't even like drinking as much as I like the social part. But once I start my judgment goes right out the window and I end up being drunk me, which is a person I don't like very much. I try to rationalize my problems to myself, but it always ends up the same.

So, again, thanks. I totally feel you and although I'm not happy to hear others struggling with similar problems of relapse, it's good to know I'm not alone. Neither are you. I guess that's why we're all here

SoberCAH

I suggest that you pray to whatever you percieve the higher power referred to in the BB and ask for its help.

I would also find and hang around the people in the program who have attained many years of sobriety.

I did both of these things as hard as I could and I have been sober ever since.

I hope that they work for you.

tincup

I understand all to well the relapses you're talking about. Right now, I cherish every day I'm sober and just try to focus on working so I have a good chance at being sober tomorrow.

One thing I love about AA is how un-judgemental the people are. I suspect you're being harder on yourself than your fellow AA members are but if you feel that you are being judged by your home group, why not try another group ?

Also, another thing I love about AA is the phrase "keep coming back...don't give up before the miracle happens" ! I hear that all the time at the meeting I go to. Best of luck.

Mrrryah1

So much amazing advice & so many amazing people that relate to exactly how I'm feeling at any given moment. Thanks SR and everyone who posted. <3 <3 <3

ClearLight

This is a really good thread.

The constant relapse happens to me too.

Still trying to find a way out.

I won't quit trying though.

Mirage74

I was/am a chronic relapser. Matter of fact, most of the time, my stints of sobriety were so short I'm not even sure it was a relapse - I'm not sure I really quit. I know how you feel, people in AA began to wonder why I couldn't get it either. It took me some dire circumstances and a good look at where I was headed next for me to see how this story can end up. I had to decide I'd had enough.

You might need some outside help. You could always go to your local detox center, they can help you figure out if there are treatment options available.

KAD

This is a key component. The ramifications of continuing to drink had to hit you in a very personal way, in a way that is louder and clearer than anything anyone else can say to you, or how anyone else might look at you or what others might think of you for continuing to relapse. Addiction does have an affect on those around us, but it is ultimately personal, and so is our recovery. It has to start with you.

Dee74

Hey Mrrryah

No judgement for me either. Took me fifteen years.

In the end I had to be prepared to walk the hard road - it's easy to drink, it's much harder to feel bad or sad or bored or fed up or left out and not drink.

But that what we have to do if we want change.

If your support is not delivering you what you want, then change it. If you're not using your support, change that.
If your life keeps leading you back to drinking, then I think it's important to look at what needs to change there.

It's not easy - but it's not impossible either. I really believe you can do this

D

dwtbd

To really honestly choose not to drink, I had to first realize that I was choosing to drink. Any other explanation for drinking just hid the fact that I was choosing to drink. That realization was what set me free and allowed the conscious choice. It's is an intensely personal experience , but one shared by many.

Notmyrealname

I came to understand that I couldn't control my drinking. And for a long time I thought I couldn't control whether or not I drank. I was wrong on the second part, but it was a realization slow in coming.

Some things that helped me:

1) structuring my life such that getting booze was more time-consuming/a hassle/costly in some way (i.e., erecting barriers and obstacles so I either don't bother because it's not worth it, or I rethink my impulse decision before acting on it)

2) changing the way I think about alcohol (I focus on the negative consequences, not the intoxication or the social aspects)

3) not hanging out with people who drink and not hanging out in or near places where booze is available (see no. 1)

4) investing myself in long-term goals or projects that aren't compatible with drinking (devotion to physical fitness, or early-morning volunteering, new career in modeling -- whatever)

5) keeping my head in the game (keep coming back to SR regularly to read both the success stories and the fell-off-the-wagon stories -- the latter inevitably escalate, no matter the good intentions of the storyteller, seems like every "I just had two drinks" story leads to an off-the-rails binge within a month or two)

and number six:

6) decided that picking up is no longer an available response to any crisis, stressor, stimulus, feeling, craving, desire, void, ailment etc. There is no "Respond To This Situation By Getting Hammered? YES" option on the flowchart anymore.

The last one sounds hard but I think it's the key to the whole affair. Hard-and-fast, bright-line rule, no drinking, period. No harboring secret exceptions to the rule deep in your heart of hearts -- that's the crack in the dam that lets the deluge break through on a rainy day.

Jupiters

Morning Myrrah...how are you doing today?