Jupiters

I think it's great that despite her cheating, lying, ect...you still have a kind enough heart that you want to help. But I gotta agree, this isn't your cross to bear and I would be meeting her with some serious boundaries in place.
The fact that she didn't contact you for months, than out of the blue has...is a bit concerning. I wish you luck! You sound like good peoples just make sure you have YOUR bases covered.

MelindaFlowers

I am agreeing with Elle on this one. It sounds like she is using you.

Nuudawn

There is an old adage in sales...about people needing "skin in the game" (meaning money) to see value in what they are doing...cuz it's THEIR money. It was very evident in the weight loss industry. Mo' money they spent...meant greater commitment.

So in this case....still not her money. It would be yours. If a person truly wants sobriety, they will do it by whatever means possible.

And don't kid yourself...people "hook' up in spendy rehabs too.

Dee74

Hi Soul

It's clear to me you have a big heart - just don't let that lead you into shouldering all the responsibility for your ex's recovery.

There are many options for her, if she wants to look for them

D

Soul

Some of questions i will ask and ready to support will be as below . Please add if you think i need to address any

I wont bring up cheating or why she was unreachable to me for 5 days etc. etc. If i truly care for person i have to be selfless and truly care for that person. I have to think like i am 60 year old dad of a 10 year old girl gone on wrong path and listen to her . So will just hug her listen to her .

I will ask her what she's doing to help herself and how she's doing it. Ask her if she's gone to any NA meetings or support groups. If so why she thinks they are not working for her. Ask her if she's seemed counseling. That's free through county mental health and churches. if need be i can accompany her to NA meetings and support her . why she dont wanna go to free inpatient clinics. I need to make sure she understands she needs to do the work. Not me or anyone else.

Any other questions ? concerns ? I know few may want me to maintain No Contact and i have been doing it But if she is calling for help i should at least listen to her .

Soul

just forgot to mention . She did contact me and was sorry for what she did . Just dint admit to cheating . I kept her on No Contact list .

One thing is clear . I wont take her back . not at least i see her sober for a year . Plus i dont think i can live without relationship for a year :-) so i guess she and me are dead as lovers for sure . I think i am doing this for my selfish reason . I love the old her and if i can save and bring OLD her i may die happy thinking i saved 1 life . You all are right . I am not spendign single $$ and just want her to know that if she needs me for social and moral support i will be there for her but not for $$$ Support .

LBrain

I was in a quite expensive rehab, there were MANY people there who have been going to rehab for the past ten years. Some are back within 6 months and continue to return. The best thing about the ones who go back time after time is that first timers have an opportunity to see what can happen to them.

It makes no difference if a rehab costs nothing or costs a new house. It is totally up to the individual attending to decide if they want to get sober or not.
No amount of pleading or education on addiction can make that happen. If the person wants it, they can get it.
If I were you, I would very cautious...

Soul

Thats was helpful brian and whole SR family here . I am on board with you . I agree with you all as well . I will be cautious . The reason i dont wanna go to No Contact at time when one is calling for help is what if they end up being suicidal and take their life. If i was in her position and state o fmind i may OD and end my life . But if i knew there was 1 just 1 person who would talk to me and wont turn back i will have hope. If my feelings and love for her was pure i should be able to support her emotionally as platonic friend .

Dont get me wrong i do suspect she may be manipulating me but i want to tell her that she has all the help if she is ready . For now i know she has lost every one including here close friends & she dint had any family to begin with .

I have such a lovely SR family here to guide me and be cautious . Lets say i wont take any action without your inputs .

Mountainmanbob

I don't think that rehab has ever done harm to anyone.
Actually it has saved many a life and family.
If you can get her in why not?
MM

Soul

i think what all are saying she can go in rehab but she needs to go and try first free rehabs and show efforts that she is serious to make changes rather than reaching out to ex to help her sponsor and give a blind check . specially when she and me have no future .

Nuudawn

I dunno...the more I think about this, do you really have the requisite emotional boundaries for this? This person hurt you. Addiction does not excuse her unloving actions. They are reasons..but they are neither excuses nor justifications.

Why do you want to do this for someone who has shown you little respect or love. In my opinion, the best support for this gal is someone else in recovery.

Do a little legwork on free programs, give her some numbers and then tell her to go get it done. THEN...start seeking out reasons why you love someone who is not loving you back.

If you are habouring a hope, that she will clean up and love for your kindness. You are giving with a want for reciprocation. How will you feel if you support here, be her hand to hold onto and she hooks up with another person in recovery (very likely by the way)?

Please do not do this with a hope of any sort of emotional reciprocation.

Soul

i think i also mentioned as part of boundaries i am letting her know that we can not be romantically be involved . I am their as a friend . thats all .

Notmyrealname

I recommend you don't pay money for an ex-girlfriend's rehab. It's not your problem anymore.

Talking to her? Meh, why not? As long as you can handle it. Maybe you can give her some good advice. But at the point where she starts asking for funds, I think you ask the waiter to bring you the check..

Soul

Bizare reaction from me and i am not happy about it . At end we both confessed we love each other hugged and cried . She wanted to make out and kiss me . But i i said No and told her we cant be physically involved or $$ till you are clean .

But chain of events below and i am not happy the way it went on my part as i broke down at last .

talked how she been. Told her that i wont judge her no matter how bad things she did but i want her to be honest with me . So she told me every thing honestly . Since we broke up she been in trouble with the law right away. Once arrested for drug possession and second time arrested for No Driver lic. which lead to search in her car and they found laptop which had profiles and identify thefts.Of course its not hers as she aint tech savy at all but since she had possession she is screwed for life i guess.

I asked how it all started. She admitted that she had need for drug and through her NA meeting ran into a girl who then introduced her to group which was high on drugs and had issues with the LAW . Hanging out with wrong crowd as every one had abandoned her . She took short cut and went into self destroy mode . Started being FWB with guy "A" who she recently met and been sleeping with him . Both are homeless and most of times sleep in her car outside safeway. She also at times been with dude "B" who now has gone to Rehab . weird part was that "A" is aware of "B" doing this girl and both are fine with it . Beyond my imagination . Any how then i asked how can i help . She dint call out directly she just said she needs to get in rehab . i asked her how many folks she called . she complained she is little handicapped due to no phone availb to her . I sat with her . gave her my phone and told her to do the work . She called tons of places made good progress . Then i felt need to help her as i know where she would end up at night but needed to know her intentions as well. I asked her of her plans and she said that dude "A" is going to rehab tomm and she need to hand over his stuff to him and do final good byes. thats when i broke emotionally internally . I said fine i will drop you home but on the way home i felt this overwhelming need for her to stop and not go to dude "A" . thats when i stopped the car and confronted her why she need to hang with wrong company and dont go see dude "A"

That led to hugging crying on both parties she confessed she misses me tons and loves me & was sorry she ruined it for us . We both confessed we love each other hugged and cried . She wanted to make out and kiss me . But i i said No and told her we cant be physically involved or $$ involved till you are clean . . I tried to convince her not to go meet dude "A" tonight . She said he have helped her , saved her and been there for her when all wrong folks want to take her advantage and he going to rehab tomm and she does not want to break his heart and ditch him . That was it for me . So all that she loves me and wants me was a lie . She can go and meet a jobless homeless dude who so called protected her for 1 month but forgot her "SOULMATE" of 10 months .

i am happy i got closure . I feel weightless . At same time failure i brought emotions at the end and failed my own promise to help her with unbiased opinion . I guess i was in denial that i have moved on and dont love her . Today i know i still love her and i need to move from here .

I failed to be emotionally strong . I failed to be a man and i cried with her and confessed i love her . I feel total loser now . But i wanted to share unbiased opinion with SR family here . Please feel free to humiliate me :-)

suki44883

No humiliation, hon, and you are not a loser. Many of us have been there, but honestly, it's best you know the truth now. She is an addict and with addicts, their first love is the fix. They NEED that fix and even though she may love you deep down, the high is more imperative. She can't give you what she doesn't have.

I know it hurts and it sucks, but at least now you know. It's okay to grieve.

Mags1

Hi soul, sorry for the hurt you're feeling. I do admire that you don't sweep it under the carpet, you don't turn a blind eye, your eyes are wide open. I fear that maybe it isn't the last you will hear from her.

It's as you say, time to move on, you have the strength and capabilities to do this and our hearts are able to mend.

Nuudawn

You did not fail to be a man whatsoever. You are a man desirous of a true and loving connection. You will not find this with an addict..active in their addiction. Love lifts, it does not depress.

Sweetie...she is on her own path. You did not cause it and you cannot cure it. Please close this door and open yourself to a new beginning. Please ensure you are tending to your own needs...that you're own oxygen mask is firmly affixed. I don't know how many times I too have fallen for the 'wounded puppy" syndrome. It is incredibly unhealthy.

I need to fix myself so I no longer look for others to fix simply to avoid my own self.

Soul

I never realized i have "wounded puppy" syndrome but clearly i have one . Even after today i want to reward her honesty , help her and be there for her . Even today i saw sweet side of her . Protective side of her . What we had was intense and what happened today was intense. But still need to help her does not make sense. Before her i never cared for girl that much and at will could forget them if things dint go well . On Monday i am going to call up doc and see if i can get referral for psychiatrist. i need one for sure .

Soul

congrats on being sober for a year

Soul

I read this article . its eye opener . You all were correct .

How A Meth Addict Thinks And Feels