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Old 07-07-2014, 07:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Just left drug addict boyfriend, what happens after rock bottom?


Hey all,

I just left my soulmate/ love of my life/ boyfreind of 3 years due to his drug and alcohol addiction. Things have been crazy bad this past year in terms of him abusing cocaine. OxyContin and booze. He started stealing money from me, stopped going to work, had no money for rent and using everyday by himself locked in his bathroom. I was in denial about how bad his problem was for a long time, as I am a weekend social drinker as well. When I noticed him spinning out of control I tried everything I could to help him, planning sober activities. Buying us expensive counselling sessions, taking him to a psychologist, seeking help from his family and attending al anon meetings. Around Christmas things got so bad I couldn't take it anymore and I left him, hoping losing me would make him want to change. Obviously it didn't but I loved and missed him so much I wanted to give him another chance. I arranged and intervention and treatment program for 45 days all paid for through his work and on the day of the intervention he was crying and so happy to go into treatment. Treatment was going to we'll he decided to stay a full 90 days and was given responsibilities around the recovery house like driving the other ppl to meetings and doing the breakfast cooking. It was a dream come true and I was soo proud of him and thought finally, when he gets out we can have a normal life together, it was so perfect.
But he still hadn't found a sponsor a week before he was about to come home, and stopped talking about his step work... The recovery house seemed like just a place for him to hang out with all his new "freinds" and less about actively being involved in The Program,....

Then the weekend before he was supposed to graduate he came home and said they asked him to leave early because he was doing so well, (obviously not true) and he immediately came home and started drinking and using cocaine. Thinking it was just a slip, the ppl at the rehab said he would b fine so long as he kept going to meetings and announced himself and continued to work on his sobriety.

Fast forward a month later to today and he has not gone to work, been to one meeting, been able to pay his rent or any other bill and has used drugs and alcohol Every Day. The relapse has been going on for a month now and shows no signs of stopping. He has been stealing from me, and my family and lying and has turned back into the person he is when his addiction takes over. I refused to give him money for "gas" and "food" 3 days ago and we haven't spoken since..... I'm so done I can't live more of my life like this but I love him so much and am obviously worried and debated for him.

My question is, do some addicts never stop? If I leave him alone to hit his rock bottom will he go back to a.a. And n.a. And get better again? I just saw him be clean for 3 months and he loved it - or should I just give up and try to get over it? What should I do!
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Old 07-07-2014, 07:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Life goes on. You've done everything in your power to help him. You need to focus on you now and healing yourself. Life is full of lessons and many can be very harsh but know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong and use this forum as much as possible. I've just joined myself and I have found it very useful in my healing. Be strong.
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Old 07-07-2014, 07:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I see that you have done everything you could. Moving on may be hard but it is the right decision. He will change when he is ready. Sorry for your pain. It will get better
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Old 07-07-2014, 07:59 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You've tried taking care of him, now take care of yourself. Let him take care of himself, he's an adult. Let him face the consequences of his actions.

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Old 07-07-2014, 08:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I agree let your healing begin. I went through something very similar and am struggling working on my healing as my love has not faded. I do know that the support found on this board is remarkable. Give yourself sometime to heal.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Catabe, it's like a bereavement with the person still alive. Of course you couldn't stay because all you were doing was making him worse. Not of yourself, but by providing him with the means to keep using.

Leaving him might give him the incentive to stop, or he might not be there yet. But it will put you on a healthy path, and you need to think about yourself as well as him. Give it some time and expect to be grieving for a while.
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So much support

Wow thanks guys, I'm so glad I found this forum, I used to always google and read through these types of forums and this is the first time I've posted, it feels good to vent to other ppl who can understand what it's like,

I realize I have done all I can for him... But to be perfectly honest I'm not just leaving to get healthy for myself, a secret part of me still hopes this will be his wake up call and maybe he will get better to try and get me back, but from what I know now about this disease I think chances are that probably won't happen it's just my secret wish... Did any of you guys feel that way when you left? I feel like I can't properly move on when I still have this stupid bit of hope left

What do u think the chances are of him getting sober again and coming back to me?

Thank u all again so much for your kind responses, feels good to vent
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi Catabe, it's like a bereavement with the person still alive. Of course you couldn't stay because all you were doing was making him worse. Not of yourself, but by providing him with the means to keep using.

Leaving him might give him the incentive to stop, or he might not be there yet. But it will put you on a healthy path, and you need to think about yourself as well as him. Give it some time and expect to be grieving for a while.
It feels like mourning completely, but not everyone understands its like I just lost my best friend I'm so sad
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Old 07-07-2014, 10:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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For me, my gf left me because I'm having a hard time changing. I have outbursts when I'm black out drunk. I wish she would take me back like you want your bf back but you have to be honest with yourself. Even though it kills me that I can't be with her right now I know our relationship will never be able to move forward without me getting help. If he can't realize what I realize and is not willing to make the change you will have to be prepared to walk away for good. I support my gf with needing to have space and time away from me to change but there is no guarantee we will be back together but what I'll get from this is I will become a changed person because I want to be not because she wants me to be.
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Old 07-08-2014, 01:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome to the Forum!! glad you found us!!

The answer to your question is there is no certainty to the outcome, some people let their addicitons take their life without ever changing or even admitting they had a problem.

Don't put your life on hold in the hope that someone changes, if they do then great, but the question is, what if they don't? where does that leave YOUR life?
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Old 07-08-2014, 01:56 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Catbabe01 View Post
I realize I have done all I can for him... But to be perfectly honest I'm not just leaving to get healthy for myself, a secret part of me still hopes this will be his wake up call and maybe he will get better to try and get me back, but from what I know now about this disease I think chances are that probably won't happen it's just my secret wish... Did any of you guys feel that way when you left? I feel like I can't properly move on when I still have this stupid bit of hope left

What do u think the chances are of him getting sober again and coming back to me?
Its ok to HOPE this will be his wake up call - just don't have any expectations. I agree with most of the other posts - it is time to take care of yourself.
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Old 07-10-2014, 01:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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enabling

Any advice on how much contact i should have withhim ? Zero ?
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alchohol , cocaine , codepency , guilt , oxycodone


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