have 14 days for first time in 12 years, but headed into some dark waters
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
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have 14 days for first time in 12 years, but headed into some dark waters
I could only think of posting here to possibly pull myself out of what MAY happen. I have 14 days straight. The most I could ever get the last several months is to 7, and then I'd drink over fatigue, stress, withdrawal type symptoms, but this time I broke through, thanks be to God and to you all. SR has really helped. I have somebody to talk to and other posts to read and really feel so not alone.
I just got back from time with my family in the mountains, it was great. It's a situation I would normally drink in. Drink means: hide my wine in the bags upstairs and wait til everyone is settling down for the night and drink by myself making rare appearances, then wake up feeling awful and push through the day. But instead I had a great time kyaking and fishing and such. It was freeing to be able to do this.
THEN! I got a message that I am due up at another family member's home with my kids to head to an event that she has tickets for, for all of us. This person frequently makes plans that she wants and you can't say no. Well, ok, she's my mom, and I have kids, those are her grandkids, and I don't want to spoil those relationships. Typically, I enjoy myself very much at her home, but I ALWAYS drink at night, same way, hide it in my room and get myself zoned out and do it again. It's not that she doesn't know. She's a sort of "enabler" in that she'll let me do whatever I want and buy me stuff and such so that I guess I will keep coming around, and with the grandkids. I have never done anything to make her feel like we wouldn't come around, but so, anyway, some people's own battles in their own heads can be awkward when you have to be around it.
ALL that said, I found myself thinking that I could just drink while I'm there and then jump back on the wagon, but I know that won't happen. I hide and drink and function highly, but I'm not really all the way there for my family. I know I won't stop. I'll keep going, for God knows how long.
Can you help me make a list of things to do instead of sneak my two bottles of wine from my guest room the next two nights? Suggestions on things to busy myself with? I really want to make it through til I get home on Thursday. I am leaving tomorrow mid morning.
What do you do when you are faced with circumstances that you've normally gotten through looking forward to that private drinking to take the edge off the loving obligatory visit and interaction with people who make you a little nutso? I love my mom very much and we have a great relationship, given, we had a rough time when I was growing up, single mom and all that, and she was the type to pretend everything was OK all the time, and I think that is a big part of why I liked drinking so much: everything was not ok and I couldn't make that all match up as a young girl and young woman. There were things wrong, and it hurt, but we never talked about it. I think it is how her generation operates. It's ok. It has worked for her I guess. I just don't want to drink.
THank you all for being here. It has been a lifesaver for me.
I just got back from time with my family in the mountains, it was great. It's a situation I would normally drink in. Drink means: hide my wine in the bags upstairs and wait til everyone is settling down for the night and drink by myself making rare appearances, then wake up feeling awful and push through the day. But instead I had a great time kyaking and fishing and such. It was freeing to be able to do this.
THEN! I got a message that I am due up at another family member's home with my kids to head to an event that she has tickets for, for all of us. This person frequently makes plans that she wants and you can't say no. Well, ok, she's my mom, and I have kids, those are her grandkids, and I don't want to spoil those relationships. Typically, I enjoy myself very much at her home, but I ALWAYS drink at night, same way, hide it in my room and get myself zoned out and do it again. It's not that she doesn't know. She's a sort of "enabler" in that she'll let me do whatever I want and buy me stuff and such so that I guess I will keep coming around, and with the grandkids. I have never done anything to make her feel like we wouldn't come around, but so, anyway, some people's own battles in their own heads can be awkward when you have to be around it.
ALL that said, I found myself thinking that I could just drink while I'm there and then jump back on the wagon, but I know that won't happen. I hide and drink and function highly, but I'm not really all the way there for my family. I know I won't stop. I'll keep going, for God knows how long.
Can you help me make a list of things to do instead of sneak my two bottles of wine from my guest room the next two nights? Suggestions on things to busy myself with? I really want to make it through til I get home on Thursday. I am leaving tomorrow mid morning.
What do you do when you are faced with circumstances that you've normally gotten through looking forward to that private drinking to take the edge off the loving obligatory visit and interaction with people who make you a little nutso? I love my mom very much and we have a great relationship, given, we had a rough time when I was growing up, single mom and all that, and she was the type to pretend everything was OK all the time, and I think that is a big part of why I liked drinking so much: everything was not ok and I couldn't make that all match up as a young girl and young woman. There were things wrong, and it hurt, but we never talked about it. I think it is how her generation operates. It's ok. It has worked for her I guess. I just don't want to drink.
THank you all for being here. It has been a lifesaver for me.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
How about hanging out and participating in whatever your kids are doing, just like you did on the trip to the mountains? I used to do the same thing when i was visiting my parents with our kids, my dad always has a fridge full to the brim with beer and I would not only drink openly with him, but I'd sneak out into the garage every so often with a beer hidden in my shirt and quick slam it to keep my buzz going.
Turns out, there is a whole lot of stuff I was missing with my kids and others that has absolutely nothing to do with drinking!
Turns out, there is a whole lot of stuff I was missing with my kids and others that has absolutely nothing to do with drinking!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
Congrats on 2 weeks, I would suggest exactly what Scott said. One thing I also do is keep some inspirational quotes, pictures and such on my phone so if I get a little frustrated I can just take a quick look and try to feel more centered. I also go to AA so if all else fails I have a sponsor and friends in recovery to call.
One thing you might do before you go is to make a list of everything alcohol has ever did for or to you. Actually writing down the negative consequences, emotions and fears that our addiction has caused can work wonders in reminding us of WHY we stopped in the first place! Take the list with you and every so often, take a look : ) Other than all that, pray...simply pray for peace, strength and serenity!
Wishing you the best!!!
One thing you might do before you go is to make a list of everything alcohol has ever did for or to you. Actually writing down the negative consequences, emotions and fears that our addiction has caused can work wonders in reminding us of WHY we stopped in the first place! Take the list with you and every so often, take a look : ) Other than all that, pray...simply pray for peace, strength and serenity!
Wishing you the best!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Scott and ultradad make some great points.
If you're doing it for your kids, then *do* it for your kids...be sober and enjoy whatever's happening right along with them.
If you really don't feel you can do that, then stay home. reimburse your mom for the tix, and do something else with your kids
D
If you're doing it for your kids, then *do* it for your kids...be sober and enjoy whatever's happening right along with them.
If you really don't feel you can do that, then stay home. reimburse your mom for the tix, and do something else with your kids
D
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
As many say, spend more time with the family. But if you're anything like me (a classic INFJ personality) you will need to carve out time for yourself and learn how to inhabit your skin sober. I suggest reading or using the 'net for education. I'm a huge fan of the Teaching Company. They have some amazing lectures on a variety of subjects. You can stream them or download. If you don't want to spend any cash, how about youtube? The TED Talks are amazing. Personally I'm a big fan of the Amazon Kindle e-reader; you can keep thousands of books on it, many of them free.
I'm a big camping and hiking enthusiast that loves to be outdoors in the mountains! How about just enjoying your time and looking at the stars? You can see so much sky once you get away from the city lights.
I'm a big camping and hiking enthusiast that loves to be outdoors in the mountains! How about just enjoying your time and looking at the stars? You can see so much sky once you get away from the city lights.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: MN
Posts: 65
Remind yourself that - You've done the other route before, time for a new one. Only way to get through it, is to get through it. Stay Strong!! Oh, and find fun/new recipes for mock-tails you can make with your mom, something time consuming that will feel like a reward, and you also want to sip on while the sun goes down!! Sometimes I read about serious 3rd world issues and remind myself there are people in this world so hopeless and that sometimes helps me get through my 1st world problem - you have resources and strength!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
This is tough. I'm glad you posted about it. I find it very difficult when I feel obliged to do something..when plans are made without my input, feelings, needs or schedule. It cause quite a resentful stirring within me...and holy moly..it's real bad when it's my family that are the ones who do it. I feel for you friend.
For me, it would be very important to my sobriety..that I find a way to "choose" to go. Gosh...I'm having a hard time here because I actually feel the anger for you..lol.
Do you enjoy spending time with your mom? Like why is it that you do hole yourself up in your room to drink alone? Is it hard for you to be around her?
I dunno...this for me would be a real "code yellow" in my sobriety also.
For me, it would be very important to my sobriety..that I find a way to "choose" to go. Gosh...I'm having a hard time here because I actually feel the anger for you..lol.
Do you enjoy spending time with your mom? Like why is it that you do hole yourself up in your room to drink alone? Is it hard for you to be around her?
I dunno...this for me would be a real "code yellow" in my sobriety also.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
How about hanging out and participating in whatever your kids are doing, just like you did on the trip to the mountains? I used to do the same thing when i was visiting my parents with our kids, my dad always has a fridge full to the brim with beer and I would not only drink openly with him, but I'd sneak out into the garage every so often with a beer hidden in my shirt and quick slam it to keep my buzz going.
Turns out, there is a whole lot of stuff I was missing with my kids and others that has absolutely nothing to do with drinking!
Turns out, there is a whole lot of stuff I was missing with my kids and others that has absolutely nothing to do with drinking!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by ultradad
Congrats on 2 weeks, I would suggest exactly what Scott said. One thing I also do is keep some inspirational quotes, pictures and such on my phone so if I get a little frustrated I can just take a quick look and try to feel more centered. I also go to AA so if all else fails I have a sponsor and friends in recovery to call.
One thing you might do before you go is to make a list of everything alcohol has ever did for or to you. Actually writing down the negative consequences, emotions and fears that our addiction has caused can work wonders in reminding us of WHY we stopped in the first place! Take the list with you and every so often, take a look : ) Other than all that, pray...simply pray for peace, strength and serenity!
Wishing you the best!!!
One thing you might do before you go is to make a list of everything alcohol has ever did for or to you. Actually writing down the negative consequences, emotions and fears that our addiction has caused can work wonders in reminding us of WHY we stopped in the first place! Take the list with you and every so often, take a look : ) Other than all that, pray...simply pray for peace, strength and serenity!
Wishing you the best!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! great, great tools and advice you have given me and I am taking it very seriously. THis is good! I will make my list before I leave. And I will pray more. Since I sobered up, I don't pray as much. Isn't that ironic? Thank you, thank you! You are so kind to stop by and give me all these tools! Keep up the good work of supporting others!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
Thank you so much. It's nice to know you can FEEL my pain! LOL! You are very supportive and I appreciate that. No. I don't really like spending time with her. But, I do try to do the right thing that may not suit me completely and you are so RIGHT, it is a code yellow, that is why I jumped on here. I'm already feeling more confident that I can go through with it sober from all the suggestions and support I have here tonight. I'm so glad I have you! Thank you so much. I always enjoy your posts by the way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
I am new to this, and I don't know how to post a message thanking somebody specifically for their suggestions without quoting it first and making a really really long thread, and I hope I get used to this soon, but I wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you every single suggestion, advice, post, has made me feel so very confident and have so many more tools to head into the next couple of days with a way to not drink. You have all suggested so many helpful things that I take very very seriously and appreciate you all so much for understanding me and taking the time to post these tools for me to use as I go into my first setting where it was the first time I was worried that I may drink.
I am so grateful for you all supporting me and one another. This SR thing is becoming so incredibly valuable. Please keep coming back and supporting all of us and each other. I need every ounce of experience and perspective!
I am so grateful for you all supporting me and one another. This SR thing is becoming so incredibly valuable. Please keep coming back and supporting all of us and each other. I need every ounce of experience and perspective!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hey scw, I think I posted in your other thread as you were going away.
Great suggestions here. I had to go to a wedding a few months into sobriety, had already pulled out of the hens night to stay sober, so the wedding kind of felt like an obligation. RULE 1 - Never feel obligated, ever. That's what I've learned so far....but anyway, I digress...
So I drove to the wedding, by myself. Get there, know basically no one, so yeah, insert awkward conversations....but anyway. It pops in my head I can book a motel for the night. Screw this. I go to my car, get online, yep, hotel room, available, check. Then I stop.
I got on SR...and went to my July 2013 class and told them what I was doing, I was struggling, I was out in a car park with my glad rags on, feeling dumb and stupid and unable to make any kind of witty conversation to a half lubricated crowd. I think I cried with the frustration of it all.
But, I dragged my sorry backside in, comforted by the fact I knew I had my mates here thinking of me, hoping for me that I wouldn't drink. That meant so much. It was like a big virtual hug as I moved around that wedding. It didn't matter what those people thought of me, what mattered was I had people who wanted better for me - because they'd been through this hell themselves.
I didn't drink that night. Even discovered the joy of dancing in public alcohol free, which is freaking awesome, I must say.
Anyway...that's my tool. I MAKE myself ask for help if I'm really struggling, which thankfully doesn't happen as often anymore.
But, If in doubt, refer to Rule 1!
Great suggestions here. I had to go to a wedding a few months into sobriety, had already pulled out of the hens night to stay sober, so the wedding kind of felt like an obligation. RULE 1 - Never feel obligated, ever. That's what I've learned so far....but anyway, I digress...
So I drove to the wedding, by myself. Get there, know basically no one, so yeah, insert awkward conversations....but anyway. It pops in my head I can book a motel for the night. Screw this. I go to my car, get online, yep, hotel room, available, check. Then I stop.
I got on SR...and went to my July 2013 class and told them what I was doing, I was struggling, I was out in a car park with my glad rags on, feeling dumb and stupid and unable to make any kind of witty conversation to a half lubricated crowd. I think I cried with the frustration of it all.
But, I dragged my sorry backside in, comforted by the fact I knew I had my mates here thinking of me, hoping for me that I wouldn't drink. That meant so much. It was like a big virtual hug as I moved around that wedding. It didn't matter what those people thought of me, what mattered was I had people who wanted better for me - because they'd been through this hell themselves.
I didn't drink that night. Even discovered the joy of dancing in public alcohol free, which is freaking awesome, I must say.
Anyway...that's my tool. I MAKE myself ask for help if I'm really struggling, which thankfully doesn't happen as often anymore.
But, If in doubt, refer to Rule 1!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey nice work Croissant. I know that when I took my laptop on a trip away..alone like you..SR was my saving grace! I came very close to losing my sobriety on that trip. Like you I felt alone and awkward in my individual soberland...at a music fest. When I arrived my hotel room wasn't ready. I had to wander around the ski resort village (it was summer though) feeling ever so conspicuous (ya..cuz I'm that important everyone was noticing me alone : ) While I awaited my room ...oh my...I had to use every sobriety tool I could muster..thinking it through etc. My AV kept screaming just walk into that pub where all the action is and have a glass of wine..just one to take the edge off. I didn't. Eventually my room was ready.
I got up there plugged in my laptop and found more responses to the thread I had started prior to departure which were oh so helpful...but there was also a PM. Geez I wish I knew who it was that sent it!! That PM about made me cry. I changed my clothes and went off to the music show...strong and sober.
So in my wordy way..and as reminded by Croissant...
Make sure you bring us with you!!!!!
I got up there plugged in my laptop and found more responses to the thread I had started prior to departure which were oh so helpful...but there was also a PM. Geez I wish I knew who it was that sent it!! That PM about made me cry. I changed my clothes and went off to the music show...strong and sober.
So in my wordy way..and as reminded by Croissant...
Make sure you bring us with you!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
good for you!!!
For making it two weeks, and for seeing the challenges ahead and being willing to ask for help navigating them.
These are the kinds of steps that will help you succeed in a life of sobriety.
Here are some thoughts that come to mind. Pick and choose if any resonate for you.
In the days leading up to the event and while you're there, start a new ritual. Get up EVERY morning, set a timer for 15 minutes, and make a list. A list of the GOOD things that you've experienced, seen, thought or felt while sober. A list of the GOOD things that your children will get from your sobriety. A list of the GOODNESS life has to offer in sobriety. Do this without fail, EVERY morning, upon waking up. If you need to ask for help watching kids or anything - do whatever it takes to make sure you get this fifteen minutes to make a list and sit and BE with positive thoughts of sobriety.
HAVE A PLAN regarding beverages. Bring along some non-alcoholic beverages that you enjoy. Fizzy waters, lemonade, probiotic drinks, whatever. Have a mix - some sugary ones (helps balance off the physical craving that the lack of sugar from not drinking creates), some healthier. Have these there as your 'go-to' instead of drinking.
DON'T ISOLATE (except for those 15 minutes in the morning). You already know that going up to your room and being alone is your routine for drinking in these situations. So - do something different. Stay with the others. Engage in discussion. Listen. Make it a game... "tonight I'm going to sit with the family and really hear what's being said and see if I can learn something I never realized about Mom..." Stuff like that. Bring yourself fully into the moment.
Consider going to an AA meeting and pick up a Big Book. When you do go to bed at night, pull that out and read it. You may not agree with AA. You may not agree with everything in the Big Book... but I will offer you a 100% gurantee that if you have the willingness to read it - there will be stuff in there that resonates with you. There will be things that make you feel you're not alone in this struggle. There will be things you learn about yourself. There will be strength you will gain from it. Open yourself to the willingness to read it without feeling threatened and simply as a means of further exploring this thing we all struggle with. It will help. If the AA group you go to gives out 24 hour coins... get one. Keep it in your pocket. Let it be a tangible reminder of the importance sobriety has for you. Stick your hand in your pocket and feel it there when things get a little tough. Imagine going in there and getting a one year coin..... one year of joyfully living sober.... we create what we envision in life. That is a universal truth. Whatever you can do to create new visions will help.
Consider just telling your family, your Mom, or someone who will be there that you can be comfortable with about this. "hiding" has been your routine. A very good action you could take to change your routine is to actively stop hiding. Admitting to another human being that you're struggling and want to change is incredibly powerful. If you're not yet comfortable with that - consider asking at AA for a few phone numbers. Pick up that phone if things get rough. Have a lifeline.
If you have access to the Internet - get on here daily. Even twice daily. Maybe come on here to make that list. Check in again at day's end. Let us be there with you and help you through this.
You can do it.
For making it two weeks, and for seeing the challenges ahead and being willing to ask for help navigating them.
These are the kinds of steps that will help you succeed in a life of sobriety.
Here are some thoughts that come to mind. Pick and choose if any resonate for you.
In the days leading up to the event and while you're there, start a new ritual. Get up EVERY morning, set a timer for 15 minutes, and make a list. A list of the GOOD things that you've experienced, seen, thought or felt while sober. A list of the GOOD things that your children will get from your sobriety. A list of the GOODNESS life has to offer in sobriety. Do this without fail, EVERY morning, upon waking up. If you need to ask for help watching kids or anything - do whatever it takes to make sure you get this fifteen minutes to make a list and sit and BE with positive thoughts of sobriety.
HAVE A PLAN regarding beverages. Bring along some non-alcoholic beverages that you enjoy. Fizzy waters, lemonade, probiotic drinks, whatever. Have a mix - some sugary ones (helps balance off the physical craving that the lack of sugar from not drinking creates), some healthier. Have these there as your 'go-to' instead of drinking.
DON'T ISOLATE (except for those 15 minutes in the morning). You already know that going up to your room and being alone is your routine for drinking in these situations. So - do something different. Stay with the others. Engage in discussion. Listen. Make it a game... "tonight I'm going to sit with the family and really hear what's being said and see if I can learn something I never realized about Mom..." Stuff like that. Bring yourself fully into the moment.
Consider going to an AA meeting and pick up a Big Book. When you do go to bed at night, pull that out and read it. You may not agree with AA. You may not agree with everything in the Big Book... but I will offer you a 100% gurantee that if you have the willingness to read it - there will be stuff in there that resonates with you. There will be things that make you feel you're not alone in this struggle. There will be things you learn about yourself. There will be strength you will gain from it. Open yourself to the willingness to read it without feeling threatened and simply as a means of further exploring this thing we all struggle with. It will help. If the AA group you go to gives out 24 hour coins... get one. Keep it in your pocket. Let it be a tangible reminder of the importance sobriety has for you. Stick your hand in your pocket and feel it there when things get a little tough. Imagine going in there and getting a one year coin..... one year of joyfully living sober.... we create what we envision in life. That is a universal truth. Whatever you can do to create new visions will help.
Consider just telling your family, your Mom, or someone who will be there that you can be comfortable with about this. "hiding" has been your routine. A very good action you could take to change your routine is to actively stop hiding. Admitting to another human being that you're struggling and want to change is incredibly powerful. If you're not yet comfortable with that - consider asking at AA for a few phone numbers. Pick up that phone if things get rough. Have a lifeline.
If you have access to the Internet - get on here daily. Even twice daily. Maybe come on here to make that list. Check in again at day's end. Let us be there with you and help you through this.
You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Southern California
Posts: 66
WOW! I could not have done this without you guys. I swear I could print out all this excellent advice you have all given me and keep it in a little book for the times I am in this situation. You all have been incredible, and I'm sober tonight, thanks to all of you! I'm here at 10:38 p.m. sober because of your help and suggestions that I have taken very seriously and to heart and used many so far, and will use many more in the coming days.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I've got a rough patch coming up as well. I just don't dwell on it today. Mom called it "borrowing trouble." It will pass. Everything does. It may not be comfortable but it will pass and brighter days absolutely will follow.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by sobercalmwishes
Can you help me make a list of things to do instead of sneak my two bottles of wine from my guest room the next two nights? Suggestions on things to busy myself with?
my Sponsor always says -- it's a meeting in print
bible study -- Proverbs is always recommended
this site on your lap top
staying outside in God's country as much as possible
as you look at those stars -- thank God that you are not drinking
MM
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