alphaomega

I see both sides here. I see Pam still struggling, I see how it could trigger other people.

I always hesitate to post when I've relapsed for this exact reason. While I could definitely use both tough love and gentle nudging, it get's very "Boy Who Cried Wolf" after a bit.

Endgame fed me a dose of that humble pie in my last relapse thread. And while part of me wanted to pummel him, I have to say that I understand to a degree.

That being said, SR exists to aid the struggling as well as the triumphant.

Pam, my friend, my partner in non-commitment, we are diving on bald tires here buddy. It's high time we get our sh1t together.

XO AO

Raider

I wish I hadn't posted here last night more than I wished I hadn't had those drinks. First time in a year I have felt that way

I'm out.

ScottFromWI

That's a cop out and you know it Raider. A couple of people gave you some tough love, but the vast majority of replies were very helpful and supportive. Don't go there, you know where it will lead.

AlcoholFree66

Raider - I did not think you were offensive at all. I imagine you were feeling desperate and so so remorseful and that's why you posted. Isn't that what SR is here for. I'm glad you are going home today. For me routine is really important. So is keeping myself occupied with constructive and worthwhile tasks e.g cooking a yummy soup for lunch. Keep trying Pam - you want it and you will get sober. Don't whip yourself too much.

songthread

Everybody here cares and that's why they've responded. Also, maybe think back to the folks you met at the cabin and the wonderful message they sent your way. Seems Someone keeps sending you messages. Keep moving forward. All of us fallible humans are right here with you to help if we can!

Straightshoot

Please stay with the people here who care about you immensely.

Soberpotamus

Hi Raider, I hope you get to the place of not wanting to sabotage yourself with those drinks more than you want anything else. When no one's around, and no one is there to read what you've typed... that's the hardest test I think. Can you imagine your life without alcohol? Maybe try and focus on what your life can be without it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Dee74

I think it's best to think of SR as a family Pam.
You've become a part of our lives and we have of yours.

Everyone takes time out to post to you to try and help.
Not all of us are gifted with calm, or good words tho.

We worry. Some of us will be scared for you, and maybe that makes us a little angry. Others may be jealous of you drinking.
Others want to wrap you and the Fuzz up in hugs, or lock you in a room until you have 30 days sober.

The bottom line is this is a place of support.

I know you're here because you want to quit Pam.
Don't let anything stand in the way of that - even pride.

I've been where you are, I think most of us have.

I'd ask everyone else to try and remember that too.

Straight talking is great. But don't forget the love part of tough love.

Figure out what you want to say guys - and say it without a wielding a baseball bat.
We want our SR family members to feel welcome here - and to stick around

D

Nuudawn

I'm sorry Pam...but what alpha says here is well...exactly what came to my mind this morning..exactly. Now I know you're smartin' and feeling defensive today but folks aren't battling you so to speak...it's the excuses that are riling folks up. The whole "it was either xanax or battling hubby for 9 hours". It felt that there were only two choices in the world here. You spend time here ...we get to know people... and we see the change in narrative voice when AV is sovereign.

No one is battling you...you are loved and supported.
..but the BS is something we all know ..intimately!

When you said you regret posting more than the drinks...I thinking you felt about 6? Maybe?

I know I have my "6 year old moments" where I feel like a ticked off kid in the sandbox and I just wanna pack up my pail and shovel and go home sputterin and crying about the injustice of it all!!!

And yes, what we want from you is...sobriety. And yes when we relapse...nobody will likely support the justifications...ever.

Yes ..we understand this is exactly our problem..that our sobriety can be lost in a moment...
but unfortunately no one much cares, why. That's for you to figure out and correct...not for us to ACCEPT ever.

Everyone here just want everyone to succeed..that's it..that's all.

Hevyn

Pam - I find tough love difficult to dole out - but I often wonder if my 'cheery' posts actually do any good. Maybe sometimes a bit of harshness is in order. You are cared about so much - and some us are hoping if we phrase things differently - it might be more helpful. Repeating the same tired lines may not give you the help you need. I know the posts have all come from the heart, and we do our best.

I hope you'll rethink leaving. Who knows you better than us? We've walked this road with you for awhile now. We all need each other.

Lovenjoy

i for one really, really, really want sobriety for you pam. i 'see' the wonderful, playful, magical you when you run with your recovery. i know you feel the rightness of it deep in your soul... i think your post touched a lot of us in recovery because it could so easily be any one of us.

i look in the mirror and can love myself today because i am sober. i can feel what others are going through because i am sober. i find joy in the smallest wonders of this world because i am sober. i am available and present in my life because i am sober. but not just sober, i am recovered. and i got here by working my recovery hard when i put down the drink. and today i maintain that recovery with the tools i've collected through years of putting my recovery first. and those tools have come from many places and many people and i continually collect more...

i pray. i read. i share. i do meetings. i go to the beach. i read good fiction. i open up to the people who love me. i light candles. i ask for help. i spend time in nature. and i never ever forget that i am a person who can't drink.

my ras struggles with his new sober life. he came home the other day with a quote which really spoke to him and he told me 'i am done'. the quote really speaks to me also.


every one of us who respond to you pam are doing so from a place of love and hope and encouragement... are you done yet pam? my son said no one had ever asked him that until i did a few weeks ago. because when we decide we are done we are ready to do the work and make the magic happen. are you done yet pam? it feels like you want this, it really does... so just for today be done... all any of us do is do it one day at a time...

love to you and light and healing and hope and peace.....

Waterfalls2014

Hi Raider, after reading all these posts I just want to throw my 2 cents in. So you slipped, I'm pretty sure everyone here has. It seems this time of year and stress and exhaustion can get the best of us sometimes. I just slipped a week ago and I too posted it on here. The thing is, we're all human. Things happen. It seems you've got a tough crowd and my heart goes out to you. But with that being said, this forum is about support. And that's what I have to offer you. No hard feelings from me, just encouragement. I hope to see you back on. Have a safe trip home and best wishes!

Kaneda8888

Hey Raider

I must have missed something in your other post (didnt read it after my post actually). My two cents is that you may need some CBT or other forms of therapy. Seeking blame on external objects such as your hubby makes me wonder whether you are afraid of looking within yourself. I did that for 30 years. Dont make the same mistake ! Rest up, recover and start again. Just dont give up.

aussieblue

Raider don't be a fool like me and wait until you have a liver problem to stop, you have said yourself that your tolerance is lower to booze these days , you said you become a mean drunk, the night terrors, all good reasons to stop. Everyone here loves you, look at the response you get to your posts every day. We all only want what is best for you. I hope you decide to stick around and give this another go.

Pondlady

I'm like Hevyn, not sure my nice posts are effective, I hope they are....but they lack "substance".

I feel like you can't wrap your head around not ever drinking again. You were pretty sure you'd drink at the cabin...and you did.....and you planned for it....how else did the booze get there?

The drive home from the cabin with your husband, got on your nerves, so you took some xanax. You ask what we want from you? Sobriety is what we want for YOU, but you have to want it for yourself....and not imagine yourself drinking sometimes....on a vacation, at a cabin etc.

Tiptree

Pam - We want, no we need......more pictures of the Fuzz!

Seriously though - Don't you dare leave us! As someone once said, it takes a village. We are just this funky little online, in the ether, village with many different voices and lots of characters all just trying to get by day by day. This is one of the safest places any of us can be, everything that's been written is just words, your friends trying to find that secret combination of words and wisdom that will keep you, and us, safe. Those who dole out the tough love and reality checks are surely hardest on themselves and only mean well. They need you too. You don't have to leave over it!

fini

I wish I hadn't posted here last night more than I wished I hadn't had those drinks.

Raider,
this is scary stuff you're saying there.
and i'm glad you said it.
because it speaks to where you're at.
and yeah, it was likely a heated moment, or a moment of feeling utterly criticized or rejected, but...the priorities are screwy.

it might be useful to you to look and see if really, you're okay with this. don't dismiss this out of hand; it just might be so and is only a suggestion. what i mean is: are you alright with saying that this is ultimately not so bad, go a little while sober, have a short relapse and then sober up again?
is it good enough for you, Raider?

Croissant

I think Dee's post above sums it up and also Hevyn's comments above.

Pam, I saw this thread last night before I went to sleep. And I thought about it a lot, in the darkness. Yep, you post, but it affects others, we do care, we do invest time to worry or hope or wonder if our post can somehow turn a light on for you.

I didn't want to post, because a few weeks back, I tried a bit of tough love and you said it was "mean". So I was kind of at a loss last night on how we have anything to offer you here on SR. If we say, pick yourself up, stop drinking, it feels like we are "enabling" yet another relapse in the future. If we say, hey girl, wake up, you get upset.

I've followed your posts here Pam, since I joined last year. Prior to your rehab, it was heartbreaking to see what you were going through and it left little doubt as to how much alcoholism breaks us down and leaves us scraps which we call a life.

I'm worried for you now, seriously worried. 3 drinks aren't minimal for you, an easy hangover is something you don't need to be telling yourself.

Prior to this holiday though, when you had some good sobriety under your belt, you pondered your marriage, life, without alcohol. You weren't happy.

Staying sober is tough, Pam....you know that. Have you given up on building a life sober? Is that what this really is? My addiction sits with me, right here, every single day, even though you are drunk, and I'm sober....there's still yabbering on at times from the AV.

We ALL have to deal with it. So excuse after excuse from you is like hearing our own AV in surround sound in our own head, that is all. The words you see as "being mean", are the exact ways we have to slap our own beast around and put him in his place. The words aren't directed at you Pam, they are an attempt to help you harness the beast, that's all.

It may not feel like it, but you are cared for.

Nuudawn

It's amazing how much, and I am sure I am not alone, I think of SR folks outside of my time here. I could be driving to work mulling over someone's post or I could be in the shower and suddenly realize I haven't seen a certain poster's name appear in awhile and wonder how they are doing. This IS a community. We don't know any of these people...yet we do.

That was a beautiful post Croissant. I got much from it myself..for myself.

Raider...Pam...
We will all be here when you're ready.

needingabreak

I have never posted on Raider's threads but have read many.
I do not usually post here but feel compelled to say something.

Raider, I have been called out before (not on SR) and felt hurt....BUT (big but here) I knew they did it because they wanted me to succeed and were not going to allow me to bullsh** them or myself. They CARED. By allowing it, they would not be helping me. I realized this and thanked them for it later on. I felt defensive because deep down I knew the were onto my bull sh** answers.
Anyone here who tells you its ok and no big deal is doing you a disservice. Anyone here telling you the people who care and are calling you on your behavior are harsh and mean are doing you a disservice. The people who love you and care about you will do everything in their power to make you face your slip and take a hard look at your life and what you can do to ensure it wont happen again. Would someone who doesn't give a sh** bother to respond? No. Tough love is TOUGH. It isn't nice or sweet or sugar coated BS.
When you lick your wounds, come back and see all the people here who give their time, effort and care to you all the time on your posts. They feel invested in your sobriety and I hope you appreciate that instead of getting angry. How blessed are you to have SO MANY who care?
Enabling wont help you be the best you can be. I hope some reading this think about that.