Frmtxgrl

Very long story short....been with husband for 10+ years with 3 younger kids. For 7 years we have been going back and forth about his drinking habits. He drinks a lot. He drinks when we are out socially. During the week he has his normal 3-4 bottles of beer when he gets home every night. But on weekends and holidays he really drinks alone, late at night, by himself. His drinking doesn't affect his work. But it mostly affects me and our relationship. He waits for me to go to bed and then will stay up drinking for another 3-4 hours alone. He drinks liquor and beer. We have a young child and normally when I get up around 3 or 4 am to deal with the child I also have to deal with an incredibly wasted person. He never hits me or the children. But I find him passed out in hallways, on the toilet, he talks to me in this vicious tone and gives me dirty looks, he always wants more to drink and I normally have a hard time getting him to bed so the kids don't see him like that in the morning. Then he sleeps it off...doesn't remember much the next day and takes a shower thinking it cleans him but he's been doing this for so many years he still has a smell to him. And then he goes about his day (normally starting around 11) but he will make an effort for family time. He always makes promises to stop drinking liquor. And he will switch to beer for a few months but then slowly liquor will start appearing again and the cycle will start all over again. He's done this "stopping liquor promise" 3 times already. Last weekend was bad. He drank again until he blacked out. He called me a bad name when I was helping him to bed and he tried to get away from me causing me to fall over toys and bruise myself. I told him about it the next morning and he was so upset he was crying. A few hours later he told me he was done drinking. He was going to talk to a few buddies who had quit drinking and get help. I was so relieved! Never has he said he's done. Now it's only been 6 days and he told me tonight he didn't really mean "done". He plans on quitting liquor and switching to only beer. The same promise I've heard over and over again. I'm devastated! I don't know what to do. Do I continue to stay with him? I do love him but I know this won't be good the older te kids get. I'm terrified they will walk out and see him acting the way he does when he's so wasted! I just don't know anymore. Any suggestions? Any advice? Please don't judge. I'm not one to just run anytimes there's problems....but this has been going on for awhile. And I don't want to leave. But he obviously don't think he needs to quit. Help?!

Croissant

Hi from, no one will judge you. You are in a difficult situation.

There is a friends and family section on this site, starting a thread there will help and you'll find lots of understanding and support.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

Mentium

Hi and welcome. This is a good place to come for support. You might want to take a look at the family support forum here:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

When I was trying to quit I had spells when I only drank after my partner had gone to bed. I did this because I had said I was quitting and was both embarrassed and ashamed that I hadn't. It was a way (as I thought of it) to drink without it affecting her - and also to be left alone and not bothered by anyone. Of course that is all self delusion.

Your husband seems to want to quit or control his drinking - at least some part of him does. But it does sound as if he has little or no control over it. If he is addicted and therefore an alcoholic, then trying to exercise control using willpower alone is pretty damn hard - and reducing intake next to impossible. Many people believe that willpower cannot do it alone. This is why so many people with drinking problems make promises over and over again, only to break them within days or weeks. That doesn't make them bad people or liars for that matter. It makes them addicts. Nor does it mean they love those close to them any less. How much of the drunken and crazy behaviour can be tolerated is something only you know.

You will get more advice in the forum linked above but all the very best to you. My only advice would be to choose the right moment and try to have a serious conversation about the possibility that he is an alcoholic and that long term abstaining is something he should consider. You might want even to raise the issue that he risks losing his family. Many alcoholics - and I mean many - have. Only he can make the required changes and decisions.

There are ways to stop - millions have. But the person in question - the sufferer (because whatever else that is happening he is almost certainly deeply unhappy) has to make the decision they want to quit.

Nonsensical

Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

My experience (as the drinker) was similar to what you describe. Then I got worse.

Does HE know this is how you are thinking? Does he know you are disappointed that he changed his promise from done with drinking to beer only? If not, the longer you wait to tell him the less likely it is to influence his decision-making.

I never wanted to bust up my family. I just wanted to drink within their tolerable limits and believe everything was fine. In my case they tolerated too much for too long.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

IOAA2

Hi. As stated this is a difficult situation. It seems you are dealing with an alcoholic who like the majority can’t be honest even with themselves. The bottom line is we have a disease that will never get better as it’s progressive and the results are not nice.
The thing to realize is we can’t fix or stop them from drinking, they need to become how serious the problem is and take action to short circuit the problem. Alcohol in ANY form is still alcohol and when I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I continued to drink ignoring my devastation around me.
Your answer may be detox and rehab for you him IF he’s willing. For help with your sanity the forum friends and family has good people helping for this type of situation. Al Anon is certainly a long term help organization and has world wide flesh meetings, meaning meetings where live people attend.

BE WELL

Nuudawn

There is much wisdom in what Nonsensical is saying is Frmtxgrl. This life you are living also belongs to you and your children. From all that I read, your husband is showing all the red flags of alcohol addiction and your family is in the direct line of fire. Your life can get better if your man puts down the bottle...but unfortunately, that decision is ALL his. You need to stand up for your family. He needs to know you will not subject yourself and the children to what he is doing to you, your kids and himself. This is no easy undertaking.

As others have noted, please visit the Friends and Family forum. There is also Al Anon for you to find others who are struggling your struggle also. I am so very sorry you are in this situation, but it's time you opened your eyes to what is not going to stop unless he stops it...completely. You need knowledge and support...and strength of heart my friend.

By posting here you have begun this journey. Thank you for sharing your story with us.