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I have to get control of my life

Old 07-05-2014, 10:02 PM
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I have to get control of my life

Well I've fallen off the wagon yet again. Our kids spent the night at a friend's so I took the liberty of drinking until black out, woke up this morning completely unaware of what I did for like the last two hours of the night.....my husband just shakes his head and tells me I spun out....I didn't want details.
I'm a 41 year old professional, three beautiful kids, all I could wish for...and yet I continue to act like a fool. I'm just so sad and distraught and angry and embarrassed...Really embarrassed because I have no idea what kind of display I put on in front of our neighbors.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:05 PM
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I understand. Well what do you want to do about that?
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:12 PM
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Welcome to the forum marie1973!

From personal experience I will tell you that letting go of the whole alcohol drinking gig is one of the most liberating decisions I have ever made. Life is just life without all the needless 'everything' that comes with the gamble.

There is a lot of support here to be had.

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Old 07-05-2014, 10:24 PM
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I'm at a point that I need to be a sober person, is not right how I get and it upsets me to know that I have so much fear about becoming sober...I haven't said anything to my husband about quitting and I'm not sure how to get the words out....
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:27 PM
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Marie, I fell off just a few days ago, and am back on track Day 6.

It'll take a day or two to shake off the shame; about as long as it takes to clear your head.

Then it takes fully accepting an idea that was new to me when I first started nosing around here-- LOTS of people make "false starts." Before really trying to stop, I had the idea that most people have early success; quite the opposite.

Once your head clears, go back to the semi-conscious moment when you made the decision to take the first drink. Did you have to go buy something? Was it at a party?

Now try to learn from that moment. How could you have avoided it? What thought process is missing from your arsenal, that could have helped at that moment?

Bowing out of social obligations for a few days, or a few weeks, could be a good idea. Last night I absolutely forced myself to stay home; wrote bills during "party time," then watched Netflix "Orange is the new Black" until 3am. No booze at home (this requires your husband's cooperation).

I'm a 56yo father of two 12yo twin boys. Maybe this is why I related to your story so strikingly when I opened it first this Sunday morning in Germany.

You will beat the negative thoughts. Then learn from this slip, and start building again. You're just one dry night away from being able to look back on a fresh start.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:38 PM
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Hi Marie, I've done it endless of times, woke up wondering, loss of memory with the booze, good or bad, both, I cringe if I did remember how I behaved and go around in embarrassment for a few days if I don't remember, then when I think I had it in control, wham! I did it again.

It can be a struggle staying sober, the lure of alcohol can be too great, but the benefits of sobriety far outweighs the few hours I remembered when I drank before I passed out on the sofa. It's not a magic trick, I fear, just willpower and a day at a time.

Try not to think of life without alcohol, just get through each day and you find it does get easier, life still through problems at us but we can deal with them soberly, not putting our head in the sand.
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Old 07-05-2014, 10:49 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1973 View Post
I'm at a point that I need to be a sober person, is not right how I get and it upsets me to know that I have so much fear about becoming sober...I haven't said anything to my husband about quitting and I'm not sure how to get the words out....

Marie, you've set yourself up for a very difficult time. . . . . You need to get your husband on board.

You can tell your husband: "Hon, I want to lay off for awhile. Last night with the neighbors was not cool. I'll just say no, for thirty days, and see how it feels. Would you help me? I might have to skip a few things; it'd help if you didn't drink, or if you keep booze out of the house, just to make it easier for me."

No need to use words like alcoholic or sobriety, if you think it will make him upset. Full descriptions can come later. And it sounds like you know you need to achieve a zero level of consumption permanently-- but you don't have to tell him that right away.

As far as explaining to others, I've had some success with something which isn't a lie, technically-- my doctor said no booze to stop some chronic issues with GERD and my esophagus.


I know exactly how hard this is, Marie, and I know exactly what you're feeling right now. Lots of folks here do. There's no avoiding a few "white knuckle" moments, but you can manage those.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:01 PM
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I totally agree with July 1. I told my husband way too much too soon. Like pearls to swine, they just don't know what to do with it. I'm on day 20 and he has been checking me for traces of wine or drinking. Take thirty days, you'll have momentum and you won't want to go back. You need his support. Just don't buy this mug....lol! You'll freak him out :-)

image-52372258.jpg
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:03 PM
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You......Just.........Might.........Be............ An.............Alcoholic

See normies dont black out, they have one or two drinks feel woozy and stop.

Every drunk alcoholic thats drinking needs to be sober. When I hear the word Professional, I dont know what that means because people use it so loosely. I think of a professional as a doctor, or lawyer. But just because you are a "professional" does not make you more then or less then the bum on the street, in the alley drinking rubbing alcohol. Alcoholism knows no boundries, from the gutter to the penthouse suite. So if you think you might have a problem, you probably do. Best to go to your doctor and get checked out, try out a few different programs, perhaps even dive head on into AA. If you are in a big city, most likely they got meetings, hopefully they got literature, big books, living sober books, came to believe books. Those were books I read before I started working the steps. They got me interested enough to keep going back to it. You can also try Smart Recovery, based on a more scientific approach they have booklets to work out of, I keep hearing of a program called Addictive Voice, I perhaps they got meetings and/or books/booklets. There is more often then not a government programs, countless rehabs usually 20 days, from cheap to expensive. If its your first go around, I suggest go with a cheap version first. Wish you the best of luck and just remember that there is a way out of this hole that you dug, just takes a lot of work. I would think its best to know the truth of what happens in your blackouts. I just wish I could have seen myself on video when I blacked out countless times. It might have made me quit sooner, might have made me drink even more. Who knows!!!!
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:06 PM
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raider, I know what I need to do and that is the scary part. I've stayed sober with all of my pregnancies and for several months after but other than those three times I haven't been sober for any real length of time for at least 20 years. I don't know how I'm going to do this...
Thank you July1 for your post, and everyone else on here.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:11 PM
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Yes Matt is right, Marie you need to be sober. BUT that doesn't mean you have to tell your husband the whole picture.

What's that name that Harry Potter's magician friends use to refer to humans with no magical powers---- MUGGLES?

Think of the normal drinkers around you-- those who would be freaked out by knowing the full extent of your problem- as MUGGLES. They don't get it. And you don't have to explain it to them fully.

Just give your husband the minimum necessary to help you with the logistics for awhile. Frankly, you could even give HIM the doctor/medication/ health recommendation line if necessary. Just get him to get rid of the booze in the house, and give you some space if you bail on a social engagement. You can bring him on board later with a full spilling of all the beans-- or you can say "Honey, these last 30 days have been so great, I'm going to make it permanent. Please help me out a little now and then. Trust me to let you know what I need."
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:14 PM
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just read the other posts, I'm on my phone and it's not easy to see the forum, thank you all for the words of truth and input. I like the idea of slowly bringing things up with my husband....
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:15 PM
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"Hon, the doctor says I really need to stop-- but it's a harder habit to break than I realized. I could really use your help for a little while-- just remove the easy temptation. Help me and trust me if I say I can't handle a party right now."
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:23 PM
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People get very nervous around someone who has just recently decided to stop drinking. Remember the Seinfeld episode, where Elaine's boyfriend-- an "alcoholic-" accidentally picks up Jerry's non-virgin drink at a party, then proceeds to go on a week long bender? Elaine blames Jerry. . . . . .


Lot's of misconceptions out there. No harm in sidestepping them-- unless, of course, you're near a much lower bottom than you described, Marie. You're not in jail, you haven't had a DUI accident, people aren't doing interventions on you. Announcing you're an alcoholic may or may not help you right now; sounds like in your case it's not necessary to burden others with your problem.

You might need a little "vacation. . . . ?" but it could be at a "spa," no need to call it rehab. Good luck
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:29 PM
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I'm watching "Halt and Catch Fire" on AMC. They're at episode 5. A principle character, an engineer, is the type of alcoholic I was, until I started working on my problem-- he functions, but at a MUCH lower level than his potential. He drinks for the same reasons I drink. (drank).

I can't imagine the story line is not going to deal with his problem-- it nearly scuttled a business deal for his company in episode 5.

Yes that's a spoiler-- but if you watch that episode and see the impact of his drinking on his life, you may find it to be an inspiration for you if you're a "High bottom." For me it's like seeing a video of myself, as suggested above. For insomniacs, you can catch up at amctv.com.

It's insidious-- not DUIs or bar fights, just loss of professional and personal potential. And I think he's about to lose his wife over it-- and even SHE doesn't see why her husband is sending out such lethargic loser vibes. Everyone here will recognize it. Marie, your husband may not know what's going on with you, and that leads to bad things. Maybe that's even more motivation for you, as if you needed it!
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:35 PM
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Hey, Marie. My husband has watched me struggle with my alcoholism and my sobriety. I made him many promises with the best intentions. I wanted to get sober and I wanted him to know how much this meant to me. I needed him to know that I was changing but it just wasn't that simple. I promised to not drink...I drank. I promised him I wouldn't hide a relapse...I hid them for as long as I could. I promised him I'd go to a meeting...then I made excuses as to why I "couldn't" go. So many good intentions, so many promises and so many disappointments.

Eventually, I learned that once I told my husband that I accepted that I was an alcoholic and had to change, that was it. No promises now, just actions. If he asks questions, I answer them honestly. I let him know my intentions but if I'm not certain about something, I don't make him a promise I'm not 100% sure I will fulfill.

I've found great help both here on SR and in AA. I have an active homegroup, a sponsor, a service position and I'm working the 12 steps with my sponsor. I also have a women's group that I absolutely love. I think every woman in AA should check out a women's meeting if one is available. It's an absolutely amazing experience.

I hope you find the support you're looking for here. Sobriety is a wonderful gift to give yourself and the serenity you can gain will spread to everyone whose life you touch.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:42 PM
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July1-I'll check that out! I don't have insomnia,I work nights, 6pm to 7:30 am, I'm an oncology RN.
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Old 07-05-2014, 11:51 PM
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Welcome back Marie

Sounds like you're at the same crossroad many of us reach.

I could be the person I wanted to be...and live the life I wanted to have...or I could drink - but I couldn't do both.

Giving up drinking does involve change - it makes us different...but as alcoholics we're already different.

If anyone else lost hours of their life and didn't have a cliue what they did, they'd think about changing their ways.

I didn't. I got used to my blackouts.

That's plenty 'different' enough for anybody I think.

Be a good 'different'
D
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Old 07-06-2014, 12:00 AM
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When I decided to not drink any longer what I said to my husband loosely went like this:

"What happened yesterday is just not OK. This is not me and I am not going to drink any longer. It really has not brought anything good to my life - only pain, regret, guilt, embarrassment. If I want to bring the things I want in this lifetime into my life and keep them there is no longer a place for alcohol. Not worth it for me. I do not want to lose anything or struggle any longer."

He still drinks but has made positive changes just from following my lead. The fact that he still drinks does make it a little more challenging, I suppose. But I view this as my decision for my life and the way I choose to live. So far so good. Just over 2months without a drink and I plan to keep going this way for the rest of my days

I would not worry too much about your neighbors. Everyone has hard times and deals with things in their own way. Obviously some ways are less destructive than others. But what really matters is you from today forward.

Hope that you are having a nice night at work. Keep posting!

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Old 07-06-2014, 08:07 AM
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When I faced the music, when I looked back at my own life, and other people's lives as recounted on SR on a daily basis, when I looked at the medical statistics on alcohol-related illness and death, and asked myself, "where does all this lead?" -- that's when I finally came to understand what had been staring me in the face for quite some time.

Drinking's not ultimately about having fun. After awhile, it's about blacking out and going off the rails and waking up to severe physical illness and self-loathing and anxiety. Long-term it's about depression, undermined self-esteem, broken relationships and missed opportunities, and premature death. It's not just the next four hours I'm affecting when I pick up; instead, it's my whole life.

Avoiding relapse has been a lot easier since then.
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