lunar

I just want to be accountable and truthful for my stupidity here.
Thanks to all who take the time to read this, nonense ... again.
I have gone 5 weeks, then fell, another fives weeks, then again.
Now just before 6 weeks, I've fallen very disturbingly.
I know, pick up the pieces and restart, but I truly hate myself.
Feel like an a$^hole.
Lost two days at work, lied about being "sick". STOOBIDA!
I get so close to closure, but it seemingly never ends.
So, today is day one.
Again.
I am lost.

PurpleKnight

Hey lunar, don't beat yourself up!!

There seems to be a pattern, what happens at week 5/6?? . . . is there a particular though process that happens or something crops up in life? . . . that could be your answer to cracking this once and for all!!

Mairie

I think there must be something 'weird' that happens at the 5-6 week point, as I always seem to crash around then too. Well done for coming back though

lunar

Thanks for the support, my great and invisible friends.
I will not lie about my failure(s) and appreciate your help!

Ghostlight1

You're trying. That's what matters, never give up.
I tried to quit hundreds of times, literally. I never gave up, though. Heck I joined here five years ago, under a different name, and have been sober three and a half years. So, it took me awhile.
Do you have triggers that are setting you off? Have you tried AA or another recovery program? They can be invaluable.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It took me a long time to become an alcoholic and it took me a long time to change.
Hang in there and best to you.

Nonsensical

Describing them as failures is the lie. My addiction told it to me over and over and over. You're a failure, it doesn't matter, you don't matter. All lies to keep me drinking.

There are a thousand success stories on this website that start with I wanted to quit, I tried to quit, but I drank again, I feel terrible, and now I am back. Make your story one thousand and one.

You can do this.

lunar

I gotta laugh (I'm crying like a jerk)
I just heated up a can of soup and spilled
it all over the newly painted wall.
Then she walked in home from the grocers.
I'll be lurking like a jerk for a while.

Eddiebuckle

Lunar, our history does not mean anything unless we decide to let it. My sobriety yesterday doesn't mean anything today if I pick up. Likewise, your last drink doesn't make you drunk today, unless you repeat yesterdays actions.

Every day is day one. Our choices today determine how our day goes, no more and no less. Welcome back!

Stoogy

Hey Lunar, I hope you are doing well today my friend, here for you buddy.

Soberpotamus

Not a failure, and not lost! Day 1 is brave. Congrats for trying again. Don't ever give up. Addiction makes us feel lost, stupid, a failure... it's brave to act despite feeling this way. You can do it!

Raider

We all understand. Get back up is what counts.

least

Forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again.

Anna

Lunar, many of us understand how bad you feel. I found that each time I tried and failed, I lost more of myself and it became harder to get back at it. Hang in there and zoom through the 6 week hurdle.

Hevyn

Lunar

You are definitely not lost - you're here with us and back to trying again.
Keep on posting - and lean on us. You're going to do it this time.

FoundT

hi lunar - sorry to hear you're having a difficult time, I know what that is like.

I drank for about 17 years and through those 17 years I tried and tried to stop. The last time I binged I decided not to kick myself like every other time before, I haven't drank alcohol in a little over a year now. When I look back and wonder what changed this time, the only thing I find that was different was me not listening to the "Voice" of how big of a failure I was, a drunk etc etc.

Please try to be gentle with yourself.

"Change happens not by hatred but by love."

Good luck on your journey! I hope you find the strength to beat your addiction.

SeekingGrowth

You haven't failed. You only fail when you stop trying. You still have those "almost 6 weeks." That didn't disappear because you drank. Use thus slip to learn what's going on at the 5-6 week mark. Learn what you need to change to get past this point. Recovery is a process. Keep working at it and you'll get there.

Nuudawn

Aw..sweetie, I'm afraid 5 or 6 weeks is nowhere near close to closure. I'm not so sure there may be any real closure when it comes to addiction. In the movie "A Beautiful Mind", Jonathan Nash is a psychitzophrenic (sp?) who believes he is often accompanied by a young girl and a young man. At the end of the film, they are still sitting there by him...buy he simply no longer "engages" with them. For some reason, that's kind of how I view addiction. It might just always be there...although pop up rather infrequently as time passes but maybe someday you are faced with some emotional upset...and that young man and little girl might suddenly sidle up beside you wanting to be friends again.

Sobriety is a passage rather than a destination. I, have relapsed a number of times...as have many others.

The only answer is in standing up and fighting again. We have to learn our way in this world without alcohol. It takes time and effort...and for me...support.

Glad you're with us again.

Verte

Hey Lunar,

There are not any circumstances where hating yourself is a beneficial thing. Not for anything that I can think of. Nope. Are you aware of the circumstances that led you to taking your hand to the drink to your mouth?

I just read some great threads last night in the Secular Recovery Forum about AVRT. Maybe it is time to expand your approach little by little.

Please do not accept anything in this lifetime which requires hating yourself as a prerequisite to complete. This 'AV' stuff appears to be pretty potent, hey?

We are all here for you Lunar. Try not to worry about that newly painted wall It will be a great activity in your upcoming weeks if it is decided that you must paint it again. You can give us all a play by play of the whole entire process to make it all a bit more interesting this time around.

You can do this Lunar. Take that ache out of your heart and translate it into a determination to bring yourself better days ahead, without that 'stoobida' that is alcohol.