hankfrank

So I spent yesterday thinking about all the lies I tell myself...starting off with "I'm not an alcoholic". Well, maybe not, but then again at least once or twice a week I drink half a bottle of vodka to just numb myself. I mean I have a hard job and a family to support...I deserve it right? I mean, it's my medicine. Blah Blah Blah. Then I think about ALL the stupid things I did while drunk. Some funny. Some downright scary (like driving home). I mean if you step back and look at it rationally, it's "bottled stupidity" pure and simple. and it's bottled at the source (which is me). I just don't want to accept the fact that I can't handle the drink. It makes me feel like it's stronger than me and I don't want to admit that because it makes me the weak one. I tried once to not drink and lasted 6 months...but that was 4 years ago and it's gotten a little bit worse every month since then. And the terrifying thought is what if I do something really terrible? Get stupid drunk at a work function? Miss work? Last week for the first time my 11 year old saw me extremely drunk. My wife finally told her and it's broken my heart. Now she thinks there is something wrong with Daddy. And worse off...she can't trust me to care for her. I was angry at my wife for "not protecting me" and keeping the issue from my daughter (because at 11 I don't think she understands). But maybe it doesn't matter...I'm just so tired of hiding it and all the lies and excuses. That's a huge part of the pain as well. The inner shame and guilt feeds on itself. I really don't have a problem.

biminiblue

I understand. The shame and guilt need to be drowned, right?

The thing I didn't realize was that I couldn't deal rationally with any emotions while I was drinking. All the emotions are skewed under the influence and I was full of fear, shame, guilt, sadness, anxiety and depression.

Only in getting away from the bottle have I been given the clarity to put the past where it belongs and have hope for the future. Now I have joy in my life and peace.

Please give sobriety a chance - you can do it.

neferkamichael

Hankfrank, past one day is FANTASTIC, congratulations, rootin for ya.

SoberHoopsFan

Hank, like you, I got sick of living a double life. It's interesting that you are fearing horrible things happening bc of alcohol that are work-related bc that is where the addiction ultimately wants to take you. Prior to going on leave of absence from my job for rehab (and ultimately being fired for mistakes a couple weeks later), I calculate that I had missed about 35 work days in the past year bc of my drinking, I was either "sick" or "working from home" or "random made up excuse". What's funny is that like you, about 5 years ago, I was maybe missing 3-4 days a year tops. But that's where my addiction took me, and that's where alcohol wants to take all of us, to the unemployment line.

Hopefully you can figure it out now, I'm finding that sobriety is worth it, but unfortunately I had to pay my job to the bottle first...

ScottFromWI

Welcome Hank, and thanks for sharing. Your story is a very familiar one, take heart in knowing you are definitely not alone, we understand.

For me the battle to control/moderate/cut back my drinking was a long one too. The breakthrough for me was simple acceptance that I cannot control my drinking once I start, so not drinking at all is the only solution. There is no explainable/logical reason why either..it just is. Just as someone who has a particular allergy avoids the allergen.

There is no shame in something that is beyond your control. Choosing to quit and actively working on sobriety is a courageous and noble effort, for you and those around you. And the greatest part is that anyone can have sobriety if they want it, no exeption.

PurpleKnight

You can do this!!

hankfrank

Thanks for all the words of encouragement to all. I think I am finally ready (at least I hope I'm not fooling myself!). It's like some else said here...If I can't stop...then I can't really start. I do believe I can do this...and deep down I do know I'm a pretty good person. I think the alcohol has just hidden the path and so I feel lost. It sure is easier to go through life numb. But then again, that really isn't living.