jojocool

3 years ago I met an amazing man and fell in love. I quickly discovered he was an alcoholic. Fast forward through the classic life trying to make things work, pulling my hair out, the lies, the verbal abuse (that he never remembered) the black outs, his trips to the ER , the DUI, the humiliation in front of my family and friends, the broken promises. Most of all the excuses I made to myself and the harm I let it all do to my self esteem. Now he is 2 months sober and I am still pissed off, still hurt, still scared to death, still un-trusting and most of all still beating myself up.

My ABF is not going to AA but is seeking help from a friend who has agreed to be his "Sponsor". I understand he is doing what he needs to do to get his life straight and have great hopes. My dilemma is how to communicate with him so he will understand why I feel the way I do? I feel like I need a Venus to Mars-aholic translator! Not only is he talking is martian but also in recovering alcoholic. I want to be supportive but I also want to kick him in the crotch!!!!! Seriously!!! I have let this crap turn a confident, successful, beautiful woman into an insecure basket case.

So I guess my question for this forum is two fold. What are some ways, phases, words...anything...that I can use to convey this to my Alcoholic Martian with out putting him on the defensive? And how can I let go of my need to kick him where it hurts!

trachemys

jojo, I am very much better conveying feelings with the written word than verbally. Try this:

Write a letter. Put in it every negative feeling you have regarding the situation. Let it all out. Loose the dogs of emotion.

When you're done, rewrite the letter. A complete rewrite.
When you're done, rewrite the letter. A complete rewrite.
When you're done, rewrite the letter. A complete rewrite.
When you're done, rewrite the letter. A complete rewrite.

and keep on until, if you put "Dear jojo" at the top you would not be put on the defensive by what was said to you.

When you've gotten to that point, give it to him.

PurpleKnight

Hey jojo, Welcome to the Forum!!

Are you getting any support for YOU? all this talk about what he is doing, but what about you that has dealt with soo much, SR is a great resource but there are also other options like Al-anon.

To answer the other question, if he's only 2 months into recovery, it's very early days, his body/mind is all over the place trying to adjust, this will take time but things will eventually level out.

In the meantime support for yourself is probably a good idea!!

honeypig

Hi, jojo, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here; this is a wonderful community and a great resource for anybody seeking recovery.

You're certainly welcome to continue posting in the Newcomers section of the forum if you're most comfortable here. You also might find a lot of help over in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section. Here's a link to that: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I'd suggest reading as much as you possibly can there, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of concentrated wisdom in that part. Here's a thread you might like to take a look at: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html

Again, glad you made it here and I wish you strength and clarity in the days to come.

Raider

You are a stronger woman than me. As an alcoholic, I would say goodbye. I know how I am. Hope things work for you. Blessings.

Anna

I'm sorry you're feeling so much anger. That can't be good for you. What are you doing to help yourself - therapy, AlAnon?

autumn2

I wouldn't worry about putting him on the defense. You said you were once a beautiful,smart,successful woman that he turned into a basket case. You can blame a lot of his behavior on drinking,but it doesn't excuse it. It's their true colors,just easy to blame it on drinking.

I've tried the mars/venus crap with my husband. It worked,but then I resented it. He didn't deserve for me to bend over backwards to make things work. With all that I felt like I was kissing his ass. I had done that. It was time for him to kiss mine.

I would just tell him exactly how you feel. Forget about walking on egg shells. If he gets defensive...oh well,he will get over it.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off like I have a chip on my shoulder. Your post brought back a lot of memories of my relationship. I married below my class and my husband had a field day with his brainwashing to really tear me down physically and emotionally.I advise every woman to not worry about rocking the boat. Your happiness is just as important as his.

Nuudawn

Although I understand your frustration that has festered to resentment...when we tolerate denigrating behaviour over and over and over, we have to take some ownership of it. You made choices here. You were not bound and tied. Love is not a prison..unless we make it one.

Please seek out support and understanding as to why this relationship felt like 'home" to you...felt like love. Discover why despite all the things you endured that have caused this rage...why you stayed?

I am reminded of Eleanor Roosevelt's sage advice.
Hurt me once, shame on you.
Hurt me twice, shame on me.

I am a recovering from alcohol abuse myself. I did terrible things, shameful things. I struggle with self loathing over the things I did while active.
My sober mind would not have chosen this life. These are the things we face when we wake up....when we sober up....it is what sobriety is all about.

Please find support. Please find a safe outlet for your anger. At 2 months sober...your man hasn't even scratched the surface of what's really going on with him. It's a long, long road of recovery.

Tamerua

I can only echo what everyone here has said, Alanon is a great program to help you work on you and how you are feeling.