LBrain

Something has been bothering me for a while. That is how family and loved ones continue to drink when someone is in recovery. I recall years ago I was told we had to hide alcohol and not drink because a family member was coming for dinner who was an alcoholic. Sure, I'm okay with that.

Now I read here where newcomers are struggling and their spouse continues to drink in front of them. Or other family drinks or friends drink etc.

I went to my sister's for dinner a few months ago. Nobody even mentioned it but they didn't open wine or drink beers while I was there. I didn't even ask them to not drink. It was common courtesy. Friends still ask do I mind if they drink a beer in my company. It really bothers me to hear about people struggling and their partners continue to drink with no real concern for the alcoholic trying to quit. Am I alone in this thinking? Am I asking too much of people to consider common courtesy? Are people just that selfish and non-caring about a supposed loved one? I would think that supporting someone would include not drinking in front of them. Maybe I'm just crazy.
Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Gilmer

My husband doesn't drink around me. He supports my sobriety fully now. Occasionally he will drink one beer to fit in with the guys, but never has more than one, and never for a desire for the drink itself.

My church is not a teetotaler church. I have shared with certain groups of people that I have a serious drinking problem and can no longer drink. At functions, they crack open their beers anyway. Once they did it right in my house, and I got really steamed. (Surprisingly so, because I had been sober 6 months by then).

My husband has since agreed, no providing any kind of alcohol in our home, even if it's just to be good hosts for others.

AlcoTodd

I would say it is up to us to alter our behavior and not up to other people to alter theirs. People drinking around me does not bother me though. If they become obnoxious like I used to get, then I make myself scarce. If I have to go to a function where there will be drinking, I make sure I have a quick way out. If my wife weren't in recovery and drank like a normal person I would have to deal with that. If it was very early in my recovery and she did it in front of me or brought booze in the house that's a different story. But, again it is our problem to deal with not others. We should not inconvenience the world because we are alcoholics or addicts.

biminiblue

I had to lose 60+ pounds and I was on a plan that allowed me 1600 calories a day. That's not a lot of food.

People still ate cookies. They even offered me cookies. I had to learn my own control, regardless of what was in the house or at the store or in my workplace. Everyone has to rule their own bodies and learn to control their own urges.

I also can't have sex with all the people I want to. Curses.

Gilmer

I don't begrudge other people when I go out--I feel the same way you do. But one guy at our cookout was just so militant! I confided to him that I suddenly was really struggling with the guys having beers, and he said, "I feel bad that you can't have a good time!"

Maybe it was irrational, but I wish he had at least offered to set it down for my sake. (Actually, I think he's an alcoholic, too).

I only get mad with church people. We are supposed to not do things, even if they're totally fine, if they cause another brother or sister to stumble. When I told him i was stumbling, he should have stopped. I wouldn't have expected that of someone who did not profess Christianity.

BernieE

It actually bothers me when someone makes a point of not drinking because I am not drinking. It also bothers me when my H brings home a bottle of my favorite wine just to tempt me, but he has his own alcohol issues. I try to tend to my own knitting.

Bernie

LBrain

Maybe my point was misunderstood. Would go into someone's home who was suffering from emphysema and smoke near them?
Granted, someone who has control over their drinking can adapt. But a person in early recovery should not be subjected to it.

What about telling someone to avoid people, places, things? Do you move out of your house because your husband still wants to drink? That's what I'm getting at.
It's support from family members living in the same house. When your alcoholism caused family problems it is their issue too and they should do everything to help you.

Carlotta

Ok let me put my recovering codie hat on

I think that in some instances, people's loved ones might be alcoholics themselves and in other instances it is what I would call the: Yeah right, whatever. factor.

Let's face it, many alcoholics go on and off the wagons on a regular basis (I call it taking break in one's drinking) rather than approaching sobriety as a life change.
Too often, they make promises to their loved ones to stop drinking, that they learned their "lessons" etc. to stop the "nagging" and get them off their back. After a while, you just take whatever the alcoholic says with a grain of salt. The first few times, a partner will probably be very supportive and enthusiastic looking forward to a "happily ever after" ending only to be lied to, let down and disappointed over and over again. People can only take that many kicks to the heart before they become blase and stop believing them.
The rational becomes: Why should I, who don't have a problem deprive myself and make an effort when s/he will end up drinking again anyway?
I would suggest that you read a little bit on the F&F forum to see the state of despair the newcomers come in.
Being lied to, having your hopes raised up to be crushed down over and over again is not mentally healthy and does not foster a positive, supportive attitude.

ScottFromWI

I'm comfortable being around others who choose to drink in their homes or other public places, etc. I view my sobriety as my responsibility, and I don't have any expectations that others should change their lives to suit me. If a situation would seem too tempting I simply would not attend, which I did many times in early recovery.

Regarding my own home, my wife still has a very occasional glass of wine at home but it's very few and far between. When we invite others over we don't provide alcohol for them, and it's never really an issue.

Gilmer

I agree. I am fortunate that my husband is very helpful that way. My son ended up giving up beer himself (he was an alcoholic, too). My son-in-law is sour that he can no longer drink at my house--but tough.

Maybe today it wouldn't bother me--but it just rose up like a tidal wave that night about two months ago.

Carlotta

I respectfully disagree, when alcoholism causes family problems and it becomes their issues they should do everything to help themselves. This is what Al Anon teaches us: to focus on ourselves, detach with love and learn how not to let someone else's addiction drive us crazy and make us miserable.
Read some of the newbies threads on the Friends and Family forum and see how damaging alcoholism is on our loved ones.

Deleteda

Ive tried to be around my partner and friends drinking but Ive just recently accepted that (for the near future anyway) Im not going to be able to, I just find it too much of a trigger these days, I never used to but I do now and need to just stay away for me to remain sober. My partner drinks normally and wont drink around me if I asked him too Im pretty sure I think Ive probably put him off it with my behaviour over the last few years as Ive noticed that he has gradually drunk less and less anyway. Im going to try to even avoid watching dvds that have drinking in them ( these trigger me too now ). If somebody wanted to drink around me I would have to remove myself from that situation. Most of my drinking was done by myself in the past but I going to make a huge effort to avoid any triggers now.

trachemys

Even when I wasn't abstaining I had no problem not drinking around drinkers. The rare question was answered with: "Never when driving". That was the truth.

PurpleKnight

My family do their own thing, some don't even think I even have a problem because I drank less than they currently do!!

It's not a major issue, I just hang out with some family less to compensate for it!!

biminiblue

In the first paragraph: Someone with emphysema does not have the option to not breathe - a recovering alcoholic always has the option to not drink, even in his/her own home and even if people are drinking around him/her. If it becomes too overwhelming, pretty sure there is a meeting going on close-by. If not, there is always a movie or a mall to go to or a walk to take. It's the responsibility of the recovering person to manage this, not the others.

The second paragraph. If a recovering person cannot get a handle on his/her urges then more outside work is needed for the recovering person. It is not the issue of any other people. "They" and "should" is a recipe for disaster. "I" and "will" is the solution.

trachemys

And I can't have sex around people that aren't.

Unless they're gonna pay well.



Sorry, it just popped into my head, I shared.

Weasel1966

LB.... I have to agree with BMB.

Recovery will always be about me. I have to learn how to manage the environment I put myself in from my perspective. If it's my house then I get to control that environment. Anyplace else it's my choices that I must manage.

The only caviat is if I am someplace with people who I have spoken to already and they agree to support me. Then the expectation is different from them only. Still not the whole world.

If I may it can be a trick your AV plays. The blame others for drinking in front of me so I can be mad about it and use that as fuel later to do what I want to do and not what I should do.

SeekingGrowth

It's very simple - they don't understand. They have no idea how their drinking makes you feel. They have no clue that your concept of "common courtesy" means they shouldn't drink in front of you. So you have a choice - if they are close enough, you could tell them how you feel. Educate them. They most likely WANT to support you but don't know how. Or leave it alone and recognize that they mean well but just don't understand.

I'm on the other side - a "normie" with friends in recovery. I wrestled with whether I should or shouldn't drink with these friends. Would they WANT me to alter my behavior for their sake? Would that make them feel supported, or would it make them feel awkward because they know I am altering my behavior for their sake? I discussed it with my friends,

Verte

Growing up, I used to laugh when a friend's Dad used to tell us that "nothing good happens after midnight". Yeah right!

Now, I find myself saying "nothing good happens with booze on the breath". Ummm. That is all I will say on my still drinking husband's behalf.

The only thing I am truly trying to control under my roof is my drinking.

It has been 2 months without hosting any parties...I do not think I would tolerate any off the wall behavior like I would have before. Definitely do not feel like sitting up until 2am waxing poetic under the influence...only sober.

miamifella

My friends were very careful not to drink around me. It made me uncomfortably self-conscious so told them to get a beer or glass of wine if they wanted when we went out if they wanted to.

But it is easier to be a non-drinker in a group of four to eight people. I think it might have been harder to go out to dinner with one person who who drank.