Keeks77

Good morning, everyone. I'm trying to understand what happened, when only two weeks ago my boyfriend and I were fully committed, in love, and after a few days of fights, he broke up with me, kicked me out of the house, and here I am, disoriented trying to focus on myself and keep breathing. He got sober from alcohol and benzos one month ago, after a year of hospitals, detoxes, psych wards, where I have been his caregiver, although in alanon and recovered myself. This was a very hard year, many times I wanted to leave, and many times he pushed me away, and withdrew his love. But we managed to come back. He's been in intense group therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy at the Addictions institute n NY. What happened this month is mindboggling, and I need to understand IF IT'S NORMAL. His withdrawal has been painful, with body aches, tremors, etc...coming off Klonopin and booze. I was on a rough patch, emotional and irritable. He went from adoring me to undermining me, very controlling, putting me down and irritated asking me constantly to do things that red hot minute, complaining, things I thought were a result of withdrawal. We ended up sleeping in separate rooms. He tried to ease the situation, but I was very reentful, and going through my financial stress, which also put stress on him. Basically, he started saying that our relationship was harming his recovery. I dont know what his therapists were advicing, but last friday he just dumped me, and today I have to go pack my things, while feeling completely betrayed by him.
I understand that he IS taking his recovery seriously, and if I was a source of stress, obviously he neeeds space from me. But ai'm a codependant and can't stop wishing there was hope, that we'll be again together, while suffering to see how he kicked me out of his life in a red hot minute. I ADMIT that in the last weeks I was not as supportive, and complaining at the way he was treating me. Had I been more understanding and patient, would things have been different???
Is it better to have no contact? I threatened to leave, and he who suffers from abandonment issues, as well as me, created this insanity.
I need support. Thank you very much!!!
K

Gilmer

I'm sorry, Keeks.

PurpleKnight

Hey Keeks, Welcome to the Forum!!

When addiction is involved, there is always more questions than answers, but I'd guess that if he is only 1 month Sober, then his mind and emotions are still all over the place, as you say his withdrawals have been quite intense, so the emotional/mental side of things is gonna take a lot more than a few weeks to adjust.

So what has happened took place within this chaos, so pin pointing the whys? and the reasons of the situation is going to be difficult, the main thing is to get support for yourself in the meantime and focus on you.

You'll find loads of support here on SR!!

ElleDee

Keeks... I wish I could give you a big hug in person. (((((Keeks)))))

Give it some time... I'm sure it will all work out and for the BEST.

ClearLight

I think you'll find a lot of great thoughts on the Family and Friends of Alcoholics Forum.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Good luck.

AlcoTodd

If it happens to an addict or alcoholic, it is normal for them. When I first got sober I had very very many anger issues. A lot of resentments, especially against my wife. I lashed out at her, said awful things and I nearly kicked her out as well. I'm not sure what is going on with you two but you can be sure of one thing, as others have said, his emotions are going crazy. His body and mind are a wreck. I am sorry that he had done that to you though. He is responsible for his behavior as are we all. He may end up regretting this rash decision. That is why many in recovery are told not to make any major decisions for at least a year. Welcome to the forums, anyhow. This is a an awesome place with lots of nice people.

LBrain

sorry to hear this Keeks, try to stay positive and focus on yourself now. Give it time to sort itself out.

Keeks77

Dear all, thank you SO MUCH for your beautiful replies, this is the forum I was looking for, it comes from your experience and the heart, it seems. I moved to a home for a week, and later have another home...basically my God has been ultra loving to me! i saw my ex yesterday, and I reminded him his recovery is the most important thing, because I think he's hurting equally through the break up but wants to put his life first. THANK YOU ALL, I am now putting myself first, recovering my financial independence hopefully, because when the time comes, I want to be a better partner too. Yes, recovery is a strange thing, but I truly want him to reconnect with his Higher power.
Much love!!!!!!

Jupiters

what a fantastic attitude you have!
welcome!

Dee74

I'm really glad you have places to go Keeks
As for your ex - I have no special insight into why he'd act this way, but I know you'll find support here

D.

Anna

I'm so glad that you have a place to stay.

Recovery is definitely not easy, so I hope you continue to post and read here.

Tiptree

Keeks - I hope this all works out for you. Take good care of yourself.

least

Welcome to the site. I know you'll find lots of support here.

Keeks77

Good morning to all... I'm checking in, saying hi and help...These two days have been very hard, my ex blocked me in facebook, and though i understand its part of his healing, I feel SO BETRAYED, that my codependency took me to such a level where, after having given him my ALL, he dumped me. Finances got mixed up. I had become his nurse, 24/7 whenever he was drugging and drinking, then during hospitalizations I was the one taking care of his business and bills, and then, when he came home I WAS THE ONE looking out for him, and as soon as he got a little momentum of feeling better, he started talking to me as if he was superior, as if I didn't do good enough, and really, putting me down. WAS THIS BENZO WITHDRAWAL or the real Juan??? was this that he never really cared about me but needed me? i am very hurt today, s you can see....Im going to therapy, going to God, crying a lot, but want to ask from your experience....HOW DO I MAKE PEACE and move on? Why do ai still want him in my life?

bookmaven

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. The healthy thing to do, and the thing that will help you cope with the break up, is an extended period of no contact with him. Maybe that is the real Juan, maybe not, but either way he is not available to you right now. Perhaps after you disentangle your life from his and you put yourself first for a few weeks you will feel differently.

Also look up Codependents Anonymous. It's a 12 step fellowship with a focus on developing healthy relationships. I go to a CoDA meeting once a week and it has made a huge difference in my life.

Tiptree

Sorry to be harsh but it sounds like you need figure out why you want to martyr your life away being nursemaid to a grown man. I know you love him, he's really a wonderful person, blah blah blah. I have fallen into this same trap ( daughter of alcoholics) and there is no pay off, only resentments on both sides. When you become the mother they will eventually fly from the nest. Best advice, let it go and continue in your therapy. I do feel for you, I really do.

Eddiebuckle

Addicts and alcoholics are often advised to avoid starting romantic relationships in the first year of sobriety. Oftentimes the effort it takes to maintain and grow a relationship divert the attention required for recovery and both the relationship and sobriety fail to materialize.

I suggest you both agree to a 12 month break. If you are both interested in reviving the relationship after that time, do so then.

huntingtontx

Welcome to SR. You will find lots of support here. You have been given some great advice here. I am so sorry for your pain. I was in a crazy relationship for 34 years. Co dependent for sure. Don't waste to much time, work on yourself and learn to stand strong. It is so worth it. You are worth it. I am glad you have a place to stay. God is looking out for you. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you know that everything will be okay. Hang in there, post often and know we are all here for you.