Husband doesn't want me to stop ALL of my drinking...
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Husband doesn't want me to stop ALL of my drinking...
Last night after my husband saw a fridge stocked full of flavored sparkeling water, and all the beer still stocked asked why I bought so much water. I told him because it is healthier than beer.
He flat out told me that doesn't want me to quit drinking ALL the time. (he doesn't have an issue and our relationship of 12 years has always involved alcohol.)
It took me by surprise at first how mad this made me!
Anyone else's spouse insist on moderation? I am on day 11 and many numerous attempts at moderation. I am done with it. I saw a counselor for the first time yesterday. Is it fair to ask him to go see her seperately from me to help him with the transition of having a sober wife?
He flat out told me that doesn't want me to quit drinking ALL the time. (he doesn't have an issue and our relationship of 12 years has always involved alcohol.)
It took me by surprise at first how mad this made me!
Anyone else's spouse insist on moderation? I am on day 11 and many numerous attempts at moderation. I am done with it. I saw a counselor for the first time yesterday. Is it fair to ask him to go see her seperately from me to help him with the transition of having a sober wife?
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
Maybe... maybe not. Sorry I am of no help here. My wife and I have tried it both ways and we are still moving apart... which is the most positive thing to happen to us since therapy
I would give writing a heartfelt letter a try. Be clear about how you feel and be sure to not make any personal attacks
I would give writing a heartfelt letter a try. Be clear about how you feel and be sure to not make any personal attacks
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
My wife encouraged me to moderate for many years. It took her nearly as long to convince I could never drink moderately as it did me. Now she supports my total abstinence from drinking 100%.
Not sure if your husband needs to see a therapist, but perhaps an objective outside opinion on why alcoholics need 100% abstinence would be good for him to hear. It's difficult for alcoholics to understand our addiction - and it's happening to us! Not hard to imagine how hard it is for normies to understand.
Not sure if your husband needs to see a therapist, but perhaps an objective outside opinion on why alcoholics need 100% abstinence would be good for him to hear. It's difficult for alcoholics to understand our addiction - and it's happening to us! Not hard to imagine how hard it is for normies to understand.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
If you want to get sober then you don't need his permission. It can be difficult with a drinking spouse but by no means impossible. He can't insist on moderation though I get the impression from your post that he is possibly controlling and you may find it difficult to go against him. If so, this may mean you need to look at your relationship.
People who don't have a problem don't 'get' it and no amount of talking/counselling etc will help him get it. This doesn't mean they can't be supportive though.even if he doesn't understand he should still support and respect your decision. Put your energies into staying sober
People who don't have a problem don't 'get' it and no amount of talking/counselling etc will help him get it. This doesn't mean they can't be supportive though.even if he doesn't understand he should still support and respect your decision. Put your energies into staying sober
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Tell him you don't expect him to stop ALL his wanting. Just that one.
Point out to him that he now has a lifetime designated driver.
Tell him straight out that one is too many and all of them is not enough.
Point out to him that he now has a lifetime designated driver.
Tell him straight out that one is too many and all of them is not enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
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Yikes...that ain't easy. I think you need a good ole fashioned heart to heart..if that's possible. Sometimes I start hard conversations with "Are you open to some feedback right now?". Hopefully you are able to have a conversation from a neutral and curious place. Maybe you can ask him what about you "not drinking" troubles him? What specifically? If you have no issue with him drinking..why does he have issue with you NOT drinking? (if that is indeed the case).
My guess is your husband is simply feeling fearful. Fearful of change. Fearful of a "disconnect" in your relationship. Fearful of the way you "not drinking" makes him feel. Maybe it makes him feel shameful for drinking? Maybe it makes him feel like you might change so drastically you will leave the relationship. People don't like other people changing..changing the status quo.
Your husband is scared..that's all.
My guess is your husband is simply feeling fearful. Fearful of change. Fearful of a "disconnect" in your relationship. Fearful of the way you "not drinking" makes him feel. Maybe it makes him feel shameful for drinking? Maybe it makes him feel like you might change so drastically you will leave the relationship. People don't like other people changing..changing the status quo.
Your husband is scared..that's all.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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My husband did the exact same thing. I don't know the details of your situation but in mine his reaction was probably 50/50 misunderstanding alcoholism and selfishness on his part.
He thought all I needed to do was stop the binge drinking (my big problem) and continue to drink socially at football games, birthday parties, vacations. He wants a fun tomboy and he never had it -- in the beginning of our relationship I never drank and in the end I drank too much.
We're separated and headed towards divorce but my substance abuse is not the main reason (more like the result of it). My only suggestion really is to help him understand addiction. Good luck to you two.
He thought all I needed to do was stop the binge drinking (my big problem) and continue to drink socially at football games, birthday parties, vacations. He wants a fun tomboy and he never had it -- in the beginning of our relationship I never drank and in the end I drank too much.
We're separated and headed towards divorce but my substance abuse is not the main reason (more like the result of it). My only suggestion really is to help him understand addiction. Good luck to you two.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical 
why alcoholics need 100% abstinence
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Thank you everyone! We had lunch together today with no children in a public place but alone. I put everything out there, explained that I had tried moderation for the past three years at his request instead of stopping. (I don't think I would have stopped entirely because I didn't see the full need at that point) and that my drinking and life had become unmanagable.
I explained that his brief reaction last night made me angry at first then I saw how much our relationship would change and how that might be scary for him. I talked a while longer and made clear that I wasn't asking him to change anything except his support and understanding as much as possible of my/our situation.
I dropped the bomb that I had seeked out and saw a counselor yesterday and that if he would like to go alone to help understand and help to transition our relationship I could help set that up. Insurance pays for 6 sessions!
He was warm, loving, and supportive. I feel a world of weight off my back, and it feels good to be taken seriously!
I explained that his brief reaction last night made me angry at first then I saw how much our relationship would change and how that might be scary for him. I talked a while longer and made clear that I wasn't asking him to change anything except his support and understanding as much as possible of my/our situation.
I dropped the bomb that I had seeked out and saw a counselor yesterday and that if he would like to go alone to help understand and help to transition our relationship I could help set that up. Insurance pays for 6 sessions!
He was warm, loving, and supportive. I feel a world of weight off my back, and it feels good to be taken seriously!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted by melki
WELL DONE, NewFighter!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted by NewFighter
Thank you Melki! It really is one day at a time but wow taking a chance on moving forward feels so much better than dragging by day to day hungover.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Originally Posted by melki
Although I've come to feel it, I still don't inderstand why and can't explain it to my husband either. Is there any literature about it you've found useful? And by "you" I mean everyone.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Aw..so happy to hear the update Newfighter! And I loooooooove that fortune cookie. I find whenever I am more connected and conscious about self..life can get very serendipitous! Cool messages started showing up everywhere.
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