Kitkat331

I've really been struggling yesterday and today, fantasizing all the time about giving up & drinking. I celebrated 90 days sober on Sat which was a milestone I thought would mean a lot to me and when it came I felt nothing.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go on "vacation" to visit my parents, which may be why I am having such a rough time. I've posted about them before--they drink very heavily, my dad is almost certainly a 'functioning' alcoholic and he is slowly declining in various ways. Visiting them is stressful--my mom tries to be controlling about stupid things (especially food) so I always feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place of either fighting with her when we are supposed to be enjoying our visit, or saying nothing and letting her unreasonable demands annoy my family.

So, I hope to stay sober there--my last sober period ended when I got there, but I'm more serious about long term sobriety this time. Hopefully I will be able to post here a lot. Thinking of trying to find a meeting there, even tho I don't attend them here. Leaving the house is hard due to my mom's control issues.

I'm being really hard on myself about the drinking fantasies, not sure what to think about that. Like, is it enough that I am not actually drinking or should I feel bad that I'm even thinking about it?

Ugh, sorry for all the complaining and negativity. I'm so annoyed and stressed. I'm so grateful to have you guys here, I don't know where I would be without SR.

Raider

With me, drinking thoughts became drinking action. Every single time..... Praying.

Croissant

I think admitting there could be a problem is a huge step.

90 days Has been a killer for me in the past....just enough time to think, "one drink won't hurt", "I got through these past months, I can always stop again tomorrow", "my life won't suddenly fall apart if I drink for today".

I'd think it through if this is really going to be a vacation - or a risk to start drinking. You are already saying you may not be able to post here because your Mother is too controlling. The first time I travelled sober I had to be able to control my time, no one else....I still had my training wheels on, so god forbid I got stuck somewhere I couldn't escape.

Plus - your dad is a drinker.

A million warning bells going off here.

Kitkat331

I think I might have made the trip sound worse than it is. I'll be there with my husband (who doesn't drink & supports me), my SIL (same) and my two brothers who don't drink very much and would totally abstain if I asked them to. So, I do have support. Plus all our young kids, so I have plenty to keep me busy if my parents are either drinking or annoying me in some other way.

My mom wouldn't/couldn't stop me from posting, I'm just not 100% sure how reliable the internet is where they live. It's going to a meeting that could be a struggle, since I would have to borrow a car, plus they live in the middle of nowhere so it might be a long drive to get to one.

But I agree, being able to control my time is important. I plan to tell them I'm training for a long run so that I have an excuse to go on training runs any time I want to leave.

Croissant

Oh cool. I imagined you alone, under house arrest with a mother watching your every move and a father trying to get you sauced.

PurpleKnight

90 Days is fantastic!! You can get through this!!

melki

No use beating yourself up over the thoughts, it's good you recognize them for what they are and getting prepared. You'll do fine! Best of luck, keep checking in.

ElleDee

Me too!

Kitkat331

Thanks for the support and accountability. So far, so good--it's miserably hot here, I have cramps and feel like crap, but no drinking and honestly I didn't even feel tempted. I washed their driveway (long story...) during "happy hour".

My dad's health seems to be really going downhill. I tried to discuss it with him, but he denied anything is wrong. :P.