Cowgirlie

Nobody has any part in my drinking at all; I have no obstacles or people trying to hold me back or sabotage me. Which makes my failed efforts more pitiful...

bellaboos

I have found this too, I think though I hid my drinking too well. My friends and family had no idea I drank so much as it was always alone that I got wrecked. The only truly supportive person was my dad as he's been sober 30 years..he knew the signs! I'm overcoming this by being more honest about how bad it was and how truly awful it made me feel and not sugar coating it through embarrassment.
There are always going to be people scared of change even if it's a friend making that change, it certainly makes us question our own shortcomings when we see others better themselves as you are
Stay positive and stay strong

Songtx

I'm on my third try at getting sober. I have a husband that still drinks (alcoholic/denial). When I stop drinking a.k.a, self-medicating my anger and depression emerge. We fight when we are drinking, but it is much worse when I stop because at that point our lives separate, he continues to drink alone while I, for the time being read or watch TV alone. Last time I tried quitting the strain on our marriage and stress caused me to throw in the towel. I'm now 12 days in and we are fighting fiercely. Of course, there are many issues, but anger and resentment when I am not drinking exacerbates everything. I'm afraid this time I have to throw in the towel on my marriage. This would involve evrn more stress and having to relocate 2000 miles away to restart my life....So yeah, I have a few challenges to staying sober. I really think alcohol has held my marriage together throughout the years. We just ignored feelings, drank the pain away, and prolonged what now seems like the inevitable.

Kaneda8888

Hey Mirage

I think both Nuudawn and DGCarl have got it right as far as I'm concerned. One needs support from those who know what its like to suffer as an alcoholic but it is a solo journey. I have someone in my life that I thought caused me to drink but now that I have a bit of sobriety under my belt, I've come to realise it was an excuse to enable me. Actually, it was an extension of my self pity party. Resentment, bitterness, anger and self pity are the real foes and they exist within you. It takes a while but for me, I actively work every single day to extinguish those emotions by replacing them with compassion, loving kindness and equanimity. It sounds counter intuitive to find compassion for someone that you may dislike or even hate but reflect that those folks are not intrinsically bad otherwise all would hate or dislike them ! I have found it to be true indeed that folks who seem to have bad intentions are suffering themselves and that is why compassion is needed. Importantly, compassion makes you feel good about yourself as well

Stay strong !

Mirage74

Thank you for all the responses, I wish I could address each one. I'll do my best.

And thanks to those that see the problem for what it is - I have people in my life who want to sabotage my recovery, my life. This is a very real problem and much more complex than, oh it's me, I feel.

To the poster who posted about her mother, I have same problem. My whole family is psychotic and subversive, the exact opposite how I would like them to behave. I take that personally. How can someone act the exact opposite of how you want them to 100% of the time? Unless they're doing it on purpose. Which they are. I'm doing everything I can to remove them from my life, and they retaliate! I need to completely remove myself from them, but am currently in the same town.

As far as AA, I don't mean the organization. And I am wrong, they don't. I'm speaking of the local chapter here. It's complicated. I have a sibling in the program who doesn't want me there. It's funny, the one thing I want to open up to another alcoholic about is my family and I can't bc they all know my sibling - they don't want to hear it. No one has ever reached out to help me. My only interpretation is they are following my sibling's lead, who, like I said, doesn't want to help me (wants to sabotage me). That's where that statement comes from.

But I realize AA pertains to problems with alcohol. Family problems are rarely discussed, in my experience there. Maybe AA is the wrong venue for that. But it's connected. This **** makes me so angry I want to drink. Alcohol was my solution. I feel I can't find an alternative. I am seeing a counselor, which marginally helps.

I got into a big fight with my mother a little while ago. I said some things. I don't regret it. It was a long time coming. It actually felt good. If a huge fight is what it takes to let them know how I feel and that I mean business, so be it. If that's what it takes. I think they need to hear it. I know that's not the healthiest thing, but this is as bout as dysfunctional as it gets. On their part, I feel, not mine. I'm simply trying to get better and improve my life. If they've got a problem with that, like someone said, they can get off at the next stop. I like that.

Getting this out really helped. I hope it clarifies things some. I've been carrying that around for a long time.

GracieLou

I was the person that commented on my mother and this was my problem as well. I have learned though that I cannot control how another person thinks or behaves, I can only control how I behave and how I react. It is about me and my recovery, not about them.

Because they are not you. They don't think like you, they do not have the same thoughts as you nor do they feel what you do, so they are not going to do anything that you want them to do.

I cannot control others and I have no business trying.

They may be doing it on purpose but that is on them, not on you. You can only control you. It hurts and we so want things to be different. I wanted people and situations to be my way, welp I don't always get my way. I have to learn to deal with them as they are OR remove myself.

Accept what you cannot change and have the courage to change the things you can. I had to accept that I cannot change my mother but I can change having to be around her, talk to her, deal with her.

My mother currently lives with me. We are not speaking. She is due to move out soon because I have asked her to leave. I can't change who she is but I do not have to live with it.

I got myself into a lot of trouble, pain, anger and resentment by assuming what others think. I have no idea what they are really thinking unless they say so. What other people think about me is none of my business any more than others guessing what I am thinking. They really do not know if they have never taken the time to find out.

And that goes both ways, I have to willing to hear their side. It does not mean I have to agree, but you never know what you can learn from listening. Not hearing what you want to, not waiting to react to what they are saying but really listening to them.

It does not mean they are right or wrong. It just means you have taken the time to try. It may not work out in the end but at least you can walk away with a clean slate and know that you gave it your best. It is okay to agree to disagree and if that means that I have to remove people from my life to maintain my serenity and my sanity, then so be it.

Then do just that. Do not worry about what others are saying. If your goal is to remain sober then worry only about that goal and nothing else.

I feel your anger. Anger is like cancer to an alcoholic or at least to this alcoholic. I cannot afford anger and resentments. They will eat me alive. Acceptance is the way out.

Move on with your program and your life. It would be nice if we could take some people with us on our journey but we can't.

Mirage74

Control is a big issue. You say I can't control them, well they are trying to control me. The more I let them know that I'm an adult, they can't control me, the angrier and more controlling they get - even calling me mentally ill or calling the authorities - when all I'm trying to do is live my life my way. You said they're not me - that is correct! I need some acceptance on their part of who I am. If they or anyone else doesn't like who I am, tough, you don't have to

GracieLou

This may be the case but again, that is on them. What they do is what they do, you cannot change that. All you can do is control how you react to that attempt at control.

You can get angry over it, have fights about and scream to the heavens about it OR you can simply ignore it, accept they will not change and accept you can't change it and go on with your recovery.

Gonna be blunt here...No you don't.

I could not wait for others to accept me. The only person I have to concern myself with is me.

If I waited around for my mother to accept me and to stop her controlling ways I would still be drunk today.

I had to change. It is about me and how I look at things and deal with things, not how others do it or how I want them to do it.

Worry about you. If they start an argument, simply walk away. You do not need to justify changing your life. You do not need to explain why you want to be sober. You do not need to argue the matter.

Letting go is powerful!

Croissant

Mirage, I've seen your posts here before about the dysfunction in your family and how you feel they are sabotaging your recovery.

Firstly, a huge big hug - I sincerely admire you for sticking with sobriety when all around you is dysfunction.

Remember one thing, and it's very powerful - it's not the circumstances around you that will break you, it's how you react to them that counts. Good, bad, or ugly....it can only hurt you as much as you let it.

Now, I know that's easy for me to say. But, you can break away from a dysfunctional family. It IS possible. You have miles of support here, 24/7....forget about your sisters recovery, it's irrelevant to you...are online meetings an option? Something, anything that separates your recovery from hers?

tomsteve

if your sister is in AA and gossiping about ya with others and trying to sabotage ya, it is a problem pertaining to alcohol. ANYTHING that brings up the compulsion to drink is a problem pertaining to alcohol. family problems are a HUGE thing pertaining to alcohol. if ya go to a meeting and the chair asks for a topic, bring it up!! ya don't have to get into specifics, just something like "how about dealing with others that gossip and try and sabotage a persons recovery."

ya gotta lotta good suggestions here and insight. i have had to walk away from people in my life through recovery and that even includes people in AA.

Mirage74

I am going to try to do that Tomsteve.

I think I realize what the root of the problem is. It has to do with my mothers family vs my fathers family (they divorced when I was young. My mother expects me to be with her family, which I can't stand. She does everything to keep me away from my Dad's side. That makes me do angry I don't know what to do. I liked my fathers family. Mostly dead but I have a few relatives left. Haven't seen them in years. If I went to visit my mother would flip out.

This seems to be her problem which she takes out on me. Obviously the divorce was bad on her - again her problem. She shouldn't hold me accountable. She needs serious help

tomsteve

that theres gotta be a a bugger. yes, it I sher problem. im very sorry you have to have this happening.
I have a brother I haven't spoken to in about 7 years. i couldn't listen to him or have him around and keep anything close to peace or serenity. I had a talk with him about it. said how it was hard listening and seein how he Is living. not just how it bothered me but the damage he was doing to himself. I said I love him and hope he gets help but until then he cant be around me.
it sucked, but I had to do what was right for me.

miamifella

Of course people who have known you a long time may be more comfortable with you drunk than sober---because the you they know is a drunk. Realize that by entering recovery you are becoming a stranger to them, and that the terms of your relationship with them will have to change. Of course that puts them off balance just as it does to you.

Some will rise to the challenge and you will become closer. Others (including family members) will not and they will be come less important in your life.

Alex41

Well done Brad What a great thread thread!! Keep up the great work!!!

Soberpotamus

Mirage, this is just not true. You really don't need their acceptance. Not at all. I hate to see you stew in this situation because I know I can do nothing to help. We've chatted about this at length, and I just hope you somehow come to see you don't need ANYONE's acceptance of you or your addiction in order to move forward at this point.

Your mom and sister can't literally control you. The only way they can "control" you is if you allow how they treat you to hang you up!

Soberpotamus

Kaneda's reply is spot on, btw.

"I have someone in my life that I thought caused me to drink but now that I have a bit of sobriety under my belt, I've come to realise it was an excuse to enable me."

Mirage74

I have a hard time agreeing with this. You're right I don't absolutely need it, but a little would go a long way. I'm just sick of the conflict. If I were encountering someone in early sobriety, I'd avoid conflict to respect their situation. Not create it. That's just common sense to me. Their solution to the problem is to pretend it doesn't exist, making it go away. Ha, if only it were that easy. There wouldn't even be a need for recovery programs.

The simple solution is to avoid them, biding my time til I can move on. Maybe after I get some more sobriety I'll see things differently.

Eddiebuckle

Family relationships can be a real mess, because of all the history. It can be very heard to move forward in a different way than the "role" you have always played in the family drama.

The thing is, sometimes its hard to see that what we want is impossible for others to give. When we get stuck in the "they are not doing what they should to support me" mode, we make our recovery contingent upon the actions of others. Not a good place to be from my experience; it's living with unrealistic expectations - which pretty universally end up generating world class resentments.

They are who they are. Someday they may understand what you are doing and be supportive of who you are. But don't hand someone else the key to your happiness by making it contingent upon their acceptance. Life and sobriety is way too precious to allow that.

The hardest part of sobriety for me was recognizing when I was sabotaging myself with unrealistic expectations. I find that when I feel compelled to immediately respond to people or events I am usually on autopilot, working from the old patterns that ultimately led to my downfall.

This may be a topic that you could bring up with your sponsor or therapist. It's almost impossible for us to see this stuff in ourselves, I worked with a psychiatrist who specialized in addiction for the first couple of years of sobriety, and it really helped me.

Good luck Mirage, it's hard work but worth it!

Mirage74

Frustration not directed at you Jen. You may be right, I just can't see it. Just have a hard time with advice that seems counterintuitive, at least to my experience. That being said, I've got a lot to learn about recovery.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, I think you will see it differently in time.

I hear what you're saying. And I totally agree with you about how I'd treat someone else in early sobriety. I'd probably try and treat them the way I'd want to be treated, try to treat them with dignity and respect... but not everyone is that way. And I know there are times I treat others in ways I definitely don't want to be treated! Lol. So, I keep that in mind too.

I come from a sick family too, and you know this because we've talked about it. I had to get the heck out of dodge. I wish things could have been different. Wish my mom was still alive and that we could mend our relationship. I wish my dad wasn't up his own arse. Wish my mom's sister wasn't the devil incarnate Just isn't reality.

I have to deal with what is. And my number #1 priority is to stay sober. I have to slowly let go of my past, my family, and all that hurt. Else it'll take me down with it.