120 days sober! and rambling.. and questioning my identity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 6
120 days sober! and rambling.. and questioning my identity.
Hello everyone,
I had never really intended to post when I registered to this forum. I would read it pretty frequently in my first few weeks of sobriety because I found it really helpful in a variety of ways, perspective-wise. For one, in that I wasn't alone in feeling I did have a problem (a lot of the people around me seem to think I don't really have a problem and I just need to "moderate"), and seeing people succeed and ask for help in so many different stages along their path. So first off, for that I would like to say thank you to everyone for being so open. I think there are probably a lot of people reading and taking solace in what they find here.
Despite that I wasn't a daily drinker, I am so happy I have finally managed to learn to live without alcohol. I don't think I really realized how necessary it was to gain control over my life until my friend who had been to rehab said "I had to ask for help because my self esteem had gotten so low from trying to quit and not being able to, and every time I started again I believed less and less in myself as a human being". After this conversation I finally realized that my self esteem wasn't very high, and I didn't believe in myself, no matter how much I rationalized that I didn't really "have a major problem".
Since I have been sober so many things in my life have improved, and I realize how lost I was searching for what I was searching for with alcohol. So much of my anxiety and insecurity, that I attempted to drink into oblivion, has become manageable. I am so grateful. I have always followed a fairly healthy diet and gotten some exercise, but I have finally started exercising more (apparently I actually LIKE exercising?!?!), and taking care of a lot of personal goals.
I managed to make it through a vacation (with my sister who was quite supportive of me not drinking, I only spent a few hours at a show in a bar where I didn't drink and it was fine), a funeral where my ENTIRE family was completely trashed and I endured it sober (that was a bit of a challenge), and a big party without drinking. Oh, and I work at a restaurant as a bartender (which I had moral qualms with in the beginning but I've gotten over now). I've got four months, and no desire to drink again!
That being said lately I have been feeling somewhat isolated and lost, after feeling rather proud and amazed by my capacity as a human being for a while there. I don't really know how to put it into words exactly... Everyone close to me is incredibly supportive of my choices.. the odd person less close to me doesn't really understand why I can't just "moderate" but nobody has tried to pressure me to drink at any point. I guess what is unsettling me is something deeper than a desire to drink. I partied for many years. I started when I was 14 doing recreational drugs and drinking.. for a long time mostly drinking was an add on to MDMA every other weekend... but drinking ended up being the thing that caused the most problems. Although I definitely have taken breaks from drinking/drugs/partying, even rather long ones.. I always believed I had that path still. That was an outlet that I had, a way of relating, of feeling unity, a thing and scene to be part of. When I finally realized that not only "taking a break" from alcohol was my necessary course of action but that I had to stop, completely, and more or less decide I would never ever drink again (well as close to being reconciled with "never" about anything as I can be)... It changed. That door has closed. I feel like even if I were to decide I wanted to start partying again I would not be able to do so joyfully, because I would be lying to myself about something I know to be true; alcohol is poison and I was poisoning myself and my potential, and I feel I dodged a bullet quitting drinking when I did. Alcohol came very close to causing me to lose things important to me. And it definitely did cost me a lot of my dignity and almost cost me some valuable relationships.
I think maybe what this feeling is is knowing there is no easy path to walk. The sober path is actually a lot easier in a way than navigating exhausted hangovers and regretful behaviour on a frequent basis. It was very demoralizing, and I see that now. I wonder where I will experience the sense of unity I once had that I feel has been lost to me. I wonder if I can still feel socially connected and fun when so many of the people I love are still habitually using. I do have many other things in my life I enjoy that I can enjoy without alcohol, and I am not really bored or lonely exactly. but I do have to walk that road on my own whereas even when the partying road really didn't lead anywhere, it felt like you were headed there with people you love.
Regardless I am grateful every day for the opportunity to grow as a person, and overcome my baggage and become the best self I can be. I wish everyone strength on their own paths!!
I had never really intended to post when I registered to this forum. I would read it pretty frequently in my first few weeks of sobriety because I found it really helpful in a variety of ways, perspective-wise. For one, in that I wasn't alone in feeling I did have a problem (a lot of the people around me seem to think I don't really have a problem and I just need to "moderate"), and seeing people succeed and ask for help in so many different stages along their path. So first off, for that I would like to say thank you to everyone for being so open. I think there are probably a lot of people reading and taking solace in what they find here.
Despite that I wasn't a daily drinker, I am so happy I have finally managed to learn to live without alcohol. I don't think I really realized how necessary it was to gain control over my life until my friend who had been to rehab said "I had to ask for help because my self esteem had gotten so low from trying to quit and not being able to, and every time I started again I believed less and less in myself as a human being". After this conversation I finally realized that my self esteem wasn't very high, and I didn't believe in myself, no matter how much I rationalized that I didn't really "have a major problem".
Since I have been sober so many things in my life have improved, and I realize how lost I was searching for what I was searching for with alcohol. So much of my anxiety and insecurity, that I attempted to drink into oblivion, has become manageable. I am so grateful. I have always followed a fairly healthy diet and gotten some exercise, but I have finally started exercising more (apparently I actually LIKE exercising?!?!), and taking care of a lot of personal goals.
I managed to make it through a vacation (with my sister who was quite supportive of me not drinking, I only spent a few hours at a show in a bar where I didn't drink and it was fine), a funeral where my ENTIRE family was completely trashed and I endured it sober (that was a bit of a challenge), and a big party without drinking. Oh, and I work at a restaurant as a bartender (which I had moral qualms with in the beginning but I've gotten over now). I've got four months, and no desire to drink again!
That being said lately I have been feeling somewhat isolated and lost, after feeling rather proud and amazed by my capacity as a human being for a while there. I don't really know how to put it into words exactly... Everyone close to me is incredibly supportive of my choices.. the odd person less close to me doesn't really understand why I can't just "moderate" but nobody has tried to pressure me to drink at any point. I guess what is unsettling me is something deeper than a desire to drink. I partied for many years. I started when I was 14 doing recreational drugs and drinking.. for a long time mostly drinking was an add on to MDMA every other weekend... but drinking ended up being the thing that caused the most problems. Although I definitely have taken breaks from drinking/drugs/partying, even rather long ones.. I always believed I had that path still. That was an outlet that I had, a way of relating, of feeling unity, a thing and scene to be part of. When I finally realized that not only "taking a break" from alcohol was my necessary course of action but that I had to stop, completely, and more or less decide I would never ever drink again (well as close to being reconciled with "never" about anything as I can be)... It changed. That door has closed. I feel like even if I were to decide I wanted to start partying again I would not be able to do so joyfully, because I would be lying to myself about something I know to be true; alcohol is poison and I was poisoning myself and my potential, and I feel I dodged a bullet quitting drinking when I did. Alcohol came very close to causing me to lose things important to me. And it definitely did cost me a lot of my dignity and almost cost me some valuable relationships.
I think maybe what this feeling is is knowing there is no easy path to walk. The sober path is actually a lot easier in a way than navigating exhausted hangovers and regretful behaviour on a frequent basis. It was very demoralizing, and I see that now. I wonder where I will experience the sense of unity I once had that I feel has been lost to me. I wonder if I can still feel socially connected and fun when so many of the people I love are still habitually using. I do have many other things in my life I enjoy that I can enjoy without alcohol, and I am not really bored or lonely exactly. but I do have to walk that road on my own whereas even when the partying road really didn't lead anywhere, it felt like you were headed there with people you love.
Regardless I am grateful every day for the opportunity to grow as a person, and overcome my baggage and become the best self I can be. I wish everyone strength on their own paths!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Blackberrysong, congratulations on 4 months!
I think we all feel that sense of loss when we change the lifestyle we have lived for years.
I am already a socially awkward person so I totally get not having the common bond of drinking with friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Going to meetings and making new sober friends has helped me forge a new identity. I wish you all the best!
I think we all feel that sense of loss when we change the lifestyle we have lived for years.
I am already a socially awkward person so I totally get not having the common bond of drinking with friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Going to meetings and making new sober friends has helped me forge a new identity. I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Yay you for abstaining from mood-altering substances for 4 months! That's awesome! When "never ever again" starts to freak me out I take a moment to remember to take it easy, and just focus on today. Today I can stay sober. I can probably do it tomorrow too, but by that time it's already today, and today I can stay sober.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Topeka, Kansas
Posts: 138
Congrats on 4 months and thank you for sharing! Ive also had friends tell me I don't have a problem, and I "simply" <---haha need to moderate. My problem is I can't moderate (at least for an extended period of time)! I have about 3 1/2 months sober, so im right behind ya! Life really is so much better sober and hangover free!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bay Area, California
Posts: 314
Congrats on 4 months, and sounding so grounded in your decision and actions. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've written. I'm at 8 + months and I'm still figuring out what it all means to have closed the door on alcohol. The process of getting sober can be pretty deep as we are leaving a big part of our lives behind.
Thanks for the thought provoking post
Thanks for the thought provoking post
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I'm a meeting goer member of AA and I have found that being a part of a fellowship such as what AA has has really allowed me to feel a part of something greater than myself. I get to connect to other people in an open and honest way. I have many, many opportunities to be of service both to other sober alcoholics and the alcoholics who are still suffering. I've been to a young people in AA convention (ACYPAA!!!!) And partied. Until 5 AM with hundreds of other sober alcoholics. It's amazing. I feel like a part of a community that I want to be involved with forever.
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