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Old 06-28-2014, 07:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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What do I stand for who am I


I sit hear and wonder who am I, what was I meant to be. I mean am I special, well I become " someone" what is the value of being someone in quotations.

I am just one guy, I live in a world surrounded by the living but at times I feel dead. I sit here and watch the world go by in all my deadness.
I ask who am I and do I matter?

At this hour the doubt has slipped in, but I am glad I have here to express that doubt. Where do I belong, do I have purpose? Am I my habits, are habits me. Many think my habits are synonymous with me... but you know this a creeping thought.

Not tonight, I am feeling horrible, I love me, but do I stand for sobriety. Is sobriety me, I want people to think that, I want to be model of sobriety. I am going to be sober tonight, I won't lose that, but I wanted to share my inner thoughts.

I love the human experience, I love that I get to enjoy the human experience, I may not of ever been born conceived and in that I find a world of promise, but I also feel like I add nothing to the cumulative of existence, However, now at an hour, where just 3 hours ago I was great now I am depressed. I need to think of it ( my depression) and pontificate on it and over come, my sobriety relies on it.

Thanks for listening to the blathering of a blatherskyte my dear friends, as always stay safe and sober friends TDG
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Old 06-28-2014, 07:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Good to hear from you delivery guy. When you first started here I know you were in serious trouble. There's nothing wrong with pondering the universe. Doing that kind of activity, while sober, is a pretty good feeling. Keep up the sober days, and it's good to have you around.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I found this the other day and your post brought it to mind. I think you might like it as well. Carl G. Jung Archetypes - The 4 Stages of Life - Purpose Fairy
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thatdeliveryguy, FANTASTIC, rootin for ya.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy View Post
I live in a world surrounded by the living but at times I feel dead. I sit here and watch the world go by in all my deadness.
I ask who am I and do I matter?
I kinda feel the same right now. It's depressing, but I have to remind myself that it's part of the process of getting to where we want to go. Alcohol deadens our emotions (literally, in the brain), but it doesn't define us. We are so much more, and we get to decide. Do we matter? If we care about ourselves, the answer is yes.

Glad you're here Thatdeliveryguy and sharing your thoughts. We're not as alone as we think we are.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I feel where you're coming from. Except for work I spend all my time alone (if you dont count my dog). Always had these thoughts, almost drove me to suicide in my late 20s. It will pass...hopefully very soon. Keep your head up.
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Old 06-28-2014, 10:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Effing the ineffable ?

I don't ask myself unanswerable questions .

You might say you can't help what you think but i hope you'll believe me when i say we can choose how long we dwell there …

I found nothing much of use in wondering these questions for keeping sober, they might sharpen the intellect but as far as i see it Alcohol isn't an intellectual problem .

For me i'm happier and better able to stay sober with a horizon of maybe a week, forwards and backwards .

That's just my experience tho'

take care , m
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Old 06-28-2014, 10:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Appreciated the Jung article Awhuh. I am very much a fan of this great man's work. Something about some words in your post and Nightswatch..in speaking of deadness/numbness of emotions reminds me of something I read and posted long ago that the wonderful Dee reminded me of quite recently. If I may..I'd like to post it here again..

Becoming sober is like recovering from frostbite.
Defrosting is excruciatingly painful. You have been numb for so long. As feeling comes back to your soul, you start to tingle, and it's uncomfortable and strange. But then the tingles start feeling like daggers. Sadness, loss, fear, anger, anxiety - all these things that you have been numbing with the booze - you feel them for the first time. And it's horrific at first, to tell you the damn truth. But welcoming the pain and refusing to escape from it is the only way to recovery. You can't go around it, you can't go over it, you have to go through it. There is no other option, besides amputation. If you allow the defrosting process to take place - if you trust that it will work and choose to endure the pain - one day will you get your soul back. If you can feel, then there has been no amputation. If you can feel, you are not too late.

Friend we need you. The world has already suffered while you've been hiding.

Glennon Doyle Melton, Carry On Warrior
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Old 06-28-2014, 11:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I loved your post TDG, Gandhi said something along the lines of the "The purpose of life is to find your life's purpose"... easier said than done but they also tell me it's about the journey!!!

It is a good thing to reflect and take stock of our lives. I feel it is a healthy thing to do, not to long though we also need to get amongst it. Where we focus our attention and energy that is the direction our lives move in.

Quote:
I love the human experience, I love that I get to enjoy the human experience
That is a lovely thing to say. You sound more reflective than depressed...I know that I couldn't think like that when I was juggling drinking and hangovers, I was more about errr, I suck and self loathing.
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Old 06-29-2014, 12:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Keep writing and reflecting man. One day something will click and the meaning of your existence will present itself. I haven't found it either so I have no advice from experience, but I like where you're going with this. Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 06-29-2014, 12:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I find helping people helps. Making someone's day just a little bit brighter.
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Old 06-29-2014, 07:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
I add nothing to the cumulative of existence,
Sometimes i can dwell on this quite a bit myself, and the thought process ends only one way, I end up depressed too.

So I try to look at the small things in during my day, helping people out, saying hello to someone or having a conversation, some people really appreciate those things. Sure it's never going to make the news, but for those people it may have made their day.

The small things in our day can all add up!!
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Old 06-29-2014, 08:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Great thread. Some wonderful insights here
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Old 06-29-2014, 08:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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TDG I remember when we talked a lot before I vanished and you were in a really bad place, but here you are now sober and still here. You inspire me to keep at it. Its not the well mannered best dressed unscared that are here to help us along our journey, its those who have walked through it first or are walking through it now.... For with each other we are stronger. We are both the teacher and the student... Keep at it.
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Old 06-29-2014, 08:44 AM   #15 (permalink)
 

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I add nothing to the cumulative of existence
You're wrong. Just by doing something as small as posting your thoughts here creates a ripple effect that has a greater impact than you realize.
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Old 06-29-2014, 08:54 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post

Becoming sober is like recovering from frostbite.
Defrosting is excruciatingly painful. You have been numb for so long. As feeling comes back to your soul, you start to tingle, and it's uncomfortable and strange. But then the tingles start feeling like daggers. Sadness, loss, fear, anger, anxiety - all these things that you have been numbing with the booze - you feel them for the first time. And it's horrific at first, to tell you the damn truth. But welcoming the pain and refusing to escape from it is the only way to recovery. You can't go around it, you can't go over it, you have to go through it. There is no other option, besides amputation. If you allow the defrosting process to take place - if you trust that it will work and choose to endure the pain - one day will you get your soul back. If you can feel, then there has been no amputation. If you can feel, you are not too late.

Friend we need you. The world has already suffered while you've been hiding.
I LOVE this. Reminds me of the quote, "sometimes the only way out is through". Plenty of people in recovery need to hear it.
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Old 06-29-2014, 10:14 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I like the way Uncle Walt (Whitman) put it:

Quote:
O ME! O life!... of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
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