Alive

Hi There,

I am struggling but I know the answers. I have been through this so many times before but I am back in that unsafe place again. I got there because life got a little bit hairy and I am in a rut. I need to get out. I am still drinking and am extremely ashamed of myself. For some reason I am choosing to feel sorry for myself and not stop. I guess in a very warped way I feel I am doing myself some sort of favour. I am new to this forum and very excited that I found it. I hope I can snap out of this. I was in a special place for almost a year and liked it very much. Sobriety allowed me to have a much more fulfilling life. Now I feel like I am coasting and letting life pass me by. I have a son and a loving husband who have been very patient with me. Anybody have any inspiring words for me? HELP!

David 1

Hello ALIVE - welcome and congratulations. Knowing that you have a problem and need help is the first hurdle!

I used alcohol to escape from my problems and repress my emotions - alcohol is great at doing that - the only problem is that we lose touch with reality and our feelings. I can feel/hear the depression and sorrow in your post!!

I am new here too and can't believe all the great people at this site that are willing to share and help out a fellow addict/alcoholic!! You know what that special place was like - that should be pretty good motivation to stay sober annd get back there.

Remember, a drink NEVER solves our problems!

Dave

KelKel

Hi there...
I am glad you found this place and this community.
Addiction is a powerful force.
I can relate so clearly with your story, it certainly mirrors my own.
"Self-pity" is one of the addicts points of leverage. a good reason to stay in the hole we have dug for ourselves. It is one of my big pitfalls.

Girl there is a lot of love and support floating around here.
There is also the wizdom of experience, strength and hope.

Alive

I am greatful for the reply. I have to admit I am not sober right now and am by myself once again drinking while my husband and son sleep. I am tired of sneaking because of this terrible addiction. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I just took the last of the available vodka and poured it down the drain. I can't afford to have another headache tomorrow and feel sick while I attempt to spend time with my little one. I am intoxicated right now but I am desperate. I am going to sleep this off and hope that tomorrow will be a more productive day. Today I went to a wedding shower and then a baby shower. I faked it. I had a couple of drinks before I got there. And then I went to the washroom and on the way to the washroom there was a connecting bedroom. Believe it or not there was a bottle of port sitting on the shelf. I don't even like the stuff but I has several gulps of it and returned to the party. What am I doing? It is only a matter of time before it will get worse to the point where I will die. I am greatful that my husband watched over me since if I was alone I would of probably be dead by now. I am not even sure how I survived to be 33?I feel very unsafe right now.

2dayzmuse

Hi Alive,

I'm glad you poured the alcohol out. I hope you come back again and cruise the site. There are some great people here with some terrific advice. Come back again tomorrow and talk.

Take care,

Talia

Alive

I am glad that this site exists. I am relieved actually. I am excited about finally having somewhere to talk about my reality right now.I will come back soon. Regards, Alive

2dayzmuse

Alive

Your right, it is great here. I hope you get a good night's rest and post away tomorrow. There is hope out there and your not alone. Rest assured you will find your way to serenity and this is the first stop to finding it.

Talia :veryhappy

Anna

Hi Alive,

I also drank alone and hid the truth and then lived with the shame and the guilt. I thought I would never be able to end the cycle, but I finally did. You can too and we're here to offer support and understanding. You can have your life back and stop obsessing about drinking. Just take it slow and don't let yourself be overwhelmed. Be kind to yourself.

Hang around and keep posting.

Love, Anna

KelKel

Girlfriend...
The coffee's always on here.
and the Angels are free....

Alice Wonder

((((Alive)))) you are safe here with the wonderful people of SR. keep posting... it really helps to have the support and the love that is here in abundance. you will find your happiness one step at a time. love-alice

Alive

It's 8:05 am and I am sober! I will try to post a bit later when my computer is up and running. My dh is letting me use his so I can sneak in and write a quick note. I feel crappy this morning and of course very dissapointed with myself. Big surprise! I find it so hard when I obsess over the fact that I have done this so many times in the past already and I wonder if this will be the last time? I really want it to be. I am glad I found this site. Thanks for letting me in. I know I can't beat myself up but I have been hard on myself for so long now it is hard to snap out of it. I need to be kind to me today. As you said, one step at a time. I know I can do this. I just have to believe I can and it will be all good.

lulu70

Alive--Congratulations on your first few hours of sobriety. We are all here for you. Hang in there and let the miracles happen. Have you thought about attending an AA meeting in person? Without them, I know I would not be the happy, serene person I am today. Take it one day at a time, one minute or second, if that's what you need, and keep talking about how you are feeling. Hope to see you post again soon!

Moontime

Keep Coming back!! There is a better way of life, where freedom from using exists. My suggestion would be 90 face to face meetings of either fellowship. Again, 90 meetings sounds like a big commitment, but if you want to live free, it's something that you might want to consider.

Alive

I am going to be brutally honest here. After all, I have nothing to lose right? I have been to AA before and I have also been to a treatment centre for women for 30 dys. I learned a lot from both ventures but I have to admit I kind of cringe when people talk about the 90/90 thing. I disengage a little bit because I feel this tremndous pressure. I feel like if I don't do it exactly like that I won't be sucessful as if there are no other outlets for me. I am a stay at home Mom. I just quit my stressful job last friday. It was a big yet very good decision. I needed to be with my son more.He is 16 months old and needs a lot of attention. The 90/90 thing seems like a lot of pressure for me. I guess I don't thrive well in pressure. Hence why I left my stressful job. I live in a small town and I did venture out to the local AA group a couple of years ago. I felt very unwelcome there. I was surrounded by farmers and not one person offered to be a sponsor. Sorry I guess I don't play the part as a farmer well. I felt very alone actually. I don't want to feel that again. This is what causes me to want to drink and escape reality. I need to do things that allow me to thrive as an individual. There were 4 women in that group and before they would start the meeting the big group would split up into two small groups. Apparently some of the members did not feel comfortable with the newcomers. I felt like I was from another planet. Here I came to this group wanting to share and be real about my adiction and people wanted to split up. This was an open meeting too. I would think that the oldcomers would have the strength to ecourage the newcomers. Instead I had some older gentleman who I had absolutely nothing in common with telling me to call him if I felt like drinking. I just didn't feel comfortable. I know I am a fairly easy going person so this experience is pretty isolated. I guess what I am saying here is there has to be other avenues other than AA for me. This is why I came on here so I could get support quickly without having to drive to a meeting. I know I am making excuses, I am very good at that but I need to do this one day at a time and when I am ready. I am not ready right now to go back to that group and feel like an outcast. Due to childhood issues I struggle a lot with being accepted by others and fitting in. AM I making sense or just making excuses?

Moontime

Being in recovery is doing something different. If you isolate, your going to keep isolating, that's just being an addict. Keep Coming back here. There are other avenues for recovery, the fellowships are what worked for me, that's my experience.

Alive

I just wanted to clarify...I really don't feel I am isolating myself and I do believe I need to do the things that allow me to thrive. I really enjoy being outside and getting fresh air so I got up this morning and walked to the conservation area ( walked for 1 1/2 hours). I spoke to several people on route. I called a friend and sent an e-mail to my sister. I played with my son and laughed. I am not comfortable at the local AA in my town and I think it is best for me to not force myself to go just because that is "the only way". I was recently sober for almost a year. Where I believe I failed is that I didn't have a support system in place when I broke down. I believe I did a lot different today. Based on your post I get the impression that if I don't get involved with this AA group you think I will fail?

Chy

Hi Alive and welcome!

You have many options to choose from. Visit our 12 step Alternatives link on the main forum page. Your right in that a support system is key for most. What is your aversion to AA? I mean at least it's something until you find something your more comfortable with, and perhaps last time you tried it was because you weren't ready, that makes a huge difference in your willingness to accept the program. Either way, find something that works for you!

We're glad your here.

triegger

Alive,

I am Triegger and an alcoholic. Just wanted to welcome you to SR and that I hope that you made it through today sober.

I can really relate to this. At times I think I drank not only to ease the pain but also as a form of punishment, as if I did not deserve a better life. Funny how this disease takes our personal weaknesses/insecurities and uses them to feed the parasite disease that lives in us.

Alive, I am not sure I have words of wisdom or really any answers but I do know a few things. One is that it does get better. I think DangerousDan told me that first and I am not sure I believed it originally, but I do now. I also know is that all it takes is to not drink, an hour at a time, one day at a time. Seems so simple when you say it, not as easy to do. In those times when its tough, know we are all out here to offer support and encouragement.

Wishing you the best and a sober tomorrow, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers,

Triegger

Alive

I made it through day two. I am starting to see just how much serious I am about being sober this time. I do believe I need to go to AA and get a sponsor and work the program. I also need to do everything in my power to make sure that I make choices in life from this day forward that allow me to be sober. This is what I like to call self preservation. With my last experience with sobriety I had the opportunity to build up my self esteem and really start to be my own advocate. I am starting to see that without my sobriety nothing else can be good in my life and it is a life threatening disease that can potentially affect me on a dime! I used to feel uncomfortable about my addiction to the point where it was a secret and I couldn't let people see that I was powerless over it. Well guess what? I am ! Knowing that helps me focus more clearly on encouraging ways to stay sober such as support groups/ sponsors. I was afraid to tell people that it bothered me when they drank incessantly around me. I would pretend it didn't bother me and I could handle it. This is not a contest! Finally I see the light. I can choose not to be around people that cause me to feel uncomfortable because they are drinking and I am trying not to. I am in this for serious this time. I need to do what is right for me to preserve my sobriety. If that means that another person thinks something of my choices or doesn't understand why I need to take this seriously than that is their concern, not mine. I am in this for the long haul this time. I deserve to be sober and this time it is for good. Thanks for listening!

kckman

alive congrats on making it through another day. that is what it is all about. i too have found that i need to be very serious about staying sober. it is a good begining making the choice to be sober for the long haul. i can relate to self preservation that is why i am on this road and i am glad that you are on this road. i have been discovering even though i still have some serious cravings they have become less frequent. each day i make it through sober is a keeper. i become stronger against my self destructive addict. it is good to help each other along and your thread has helped me a great deal. it is good to be able to choose friends that will help you along. thanks for sharing stay well