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How do you do the whole 'being alone' thing?

Old 06-28-2014, 03:01 AM
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How do you do the whole 'being alone' thing?

Hi guys. I know I'm not the only one for whom being left alone for a period of time is hugely triggering. For a long time now, whenever my husband has to go away on a trip, I 'know' I will be drinking a lot for most of the time that he's gone. I used to look forward to his occasional trips, because I could get as trashed as I wanted for as long as I wanted without anyone seeing me. It was a warped kind of freedom.

I don't look forward to it anymore. But the habit of drinking when he's gone is really ingrained now, and I don't know how I'd pass the time without it. Any advice?

Just a few things I've noticed:
- I have lived alone before, for three years in my early twenties, and was perfectly fine and content (this was before I developed a drinking problem).
- But now I'm frightened of being left alone for a week, which is pathetic.
- It's doubly pathetic when I think that I was an only child, and used to love my own company and make my own fun.
- When I'm left alone, I drink for a number of reasons:
  1. To make the time pass faster
  2. To mask my anxiety about my husband dying in a plane crash (or something) while he's away
  3. Because being alone triggers bad thoughts about myself, bad memories, and bad feelings, and I can't stand it. When my husband is here I'm distracted from all that and rarely dwell on things, but alone I crumble
  4. Habit
  5. Boredom

In the last few years, I've only managed one of his trips sober; it was only a three day trip and I lived in a city at the time, so there were distractions.

I don't have any friends where we live, and I'm quite socially isolated because we live in a sleepy part of the countryside with poor transport links. So throwing myself into activities, or going to the gym every night, aren't options: there's nothing like that here. Every day is the same if you don't have a car. No one speaks to each other much.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. My question is simple: to people who once used periods of alone time as excuses to binge drink, and had problems dealing with being alone, what do you do now when that situation presents itself? (AA meetings aren't an option for me, so any other suggestions would be great).

My husband is going away for a week on 6 July, and he'll be travelling a lot and taking various planes and trains between Scotland, Ireland, Belgium and France in that time, which just makes me more anxious because of this stupid fear I have of him dying. (Yes I know that's irrational. I've always been a bit like that with modes of transport. I also worry about him getting stabbed... I'll stop talking now ).
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:06 AM
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May I ask why AA isn't an option?
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:09 AM
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What do you enjoy doing when he is there? watch films? read...etc
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:10 AM
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I can't help you with 2 and 3 on your list, but 1, 4, and 5 can be dealt with easily enough with some prior planning. You're going to have to make plans to do something. I don't know what you like to do, and I don't know all of the constraints your living situation puts on you, but there is always something to do. Maybe start a garden or something.

How does all of that binge booze appear at your house when your husband is gone?
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:14 AM
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Originally Posted by snowbunting View Post
- When I'm left alone, I drink for a number of reasons:
  1. To make the time pass faster
  2. To mask my anxiety about my husband dying in a plane crash (or something) while he's away
  3. Because being alone triggers bad thoughts about myself, bad memories, and bad feelings, and I can't stand it. When my husband is here I'm distracted from all that and rarely dwell on things, but alone I crumble
  4. Habit
  5. Boredom
Alcoholics drink. Period. And we all have lists of why. Being alone just makes it easier.

Work on a List of why drinking isn't a solution for these reasons and what could be
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:17 AM
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Hi. “(AA meetings aren't an option for me, so any other suggestions would be great).”
Most other ways to sobriety as far as I know are in isolation, for instance this one though it’s very helpful.
The thing with AA is it’s worldwide and usually has many meetings around each week. Helping millions with sobriety along with being with people who understand us is a huge benefit for many along with learning how to live on lifes terms.
In the beginning, being undisciplined, I had my differences but the strong deterrent of death helped clear my vision.

BE WELL
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:46 AM
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Addiction is its own reason. its not on your list. I would make it number one.

All the things i could not handle when i was drinking I can handle with ease and then some. Alcohol weakens us whilst convincing us we need it to cope. I have been amazed at how more resiliant i am, and how much "stress " i can handle.

If you have irrational fears see a professional but please be up front about your drinking
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Old 06-28-2014, 04:59 AM
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Thanks for the responses. Sorry if some felt I wasn't being up front about my drinking. I know addiction is its own reason, and the other things are incidental. I guess I was just looking for people to share their own experiences of what they do now if being alone was a trigger in the past: things you actively do, especially early in recovery, when your support system is weakened and you're alone.

For those asking why AA isn't an option - two reasons mainly. The first and most important (to me) reason is that I don't accept or believe in the higher power, and so for me to work the steps would seem false and disingenuous, not true to either myself or the program. The second reason is that I can't get to a meeting because the nearest one is 8 miles away in the evening and there are no buses in the evenings. The second reason could be worked on if I was desperate to attend of course, I could call them and see if anyone could offer me a lift or something, but it's irrelevant anyway because of Reason #1.

Thanks for the practical suggestions, I'm giving them some thought. I'd love to hear more of other people's experiences too
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:14 AM
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Snowbunting, one of my favorite times of year use to be hunting season, because that meant my H would be gone for extended periods of time and I could drink alone. I am an independent person and am usually comfortable being alone. But after getting sober, being alone was a huge trigger for me. Hunting season was not so welcomed then. I white knuckled through many weekends. Eventually I figured out that if I stacked up my alone time with projects, and set up lunch or dinner dates with friends, walked the dog, baked cookies, etc., I could navigate the time alone and the trigger was averted. Every weekend alone not drinking made me stronger for the next one.

I know I sound like a broken record, but Yoga helped me tremendously as well. Still does.
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:19 AM
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Is there the possibility that you could get a pet. A dog or cat would provide both companionship and a sense of accountability for you. My dog, goof ball that she is, helps me to maintain my sobriety in many good ways. First and foremost is that she is always ready for a walk if I need to be distracted from thoughts of demon rum.
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:27 AM
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i like being alone..i mean be careful what you wish for
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:31 AM
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I too enjoyed my alone time and
even more so after I got sober and
was in recovery. For me, I'd make
my noon meeting which I knew I
had to make and needed to make
to remain anchored in my recovery
and sobriety. Once I got that out of
the way, I felt better, stronger,
responsible, humbled, grateful and
could proceed to preparing for day
by myself.

There would be a trip to the grocery
store for fun things to eat. A nice
treat for me, myself and I.

Another trip to Walmart or wherever,
to get some things to pamper myself.
I love candles, good music, movies,
comfy things to wear, an inviting
bed to dream on and snuggle down
in safe, sound and off my feet, not
driving intoxicated going up the wrong
way on the interstate, or racing someone,
going home with who knows who.

I enjoy my peace, solitude walking
on a park track, enjoying the trees,
seeing little ones play, hearing laughter,
giggles, shade, benches to rest a bit,
water with ducks, birds, butterflies,
all of natures bounty to admire.

Being in recovery gives me so much
to be grateful for and if it means being
by myself, i'll enjoy that even more.

No one to cause ruffles in my feathers,
disturb the Force around me. Cause me
stress, anxiety. Recovery is FREEDOM.

And I LUV It...!!!!
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:33 AM
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Hi, and welcome. It's difficult to say what sorts of things you could do to occupy your time without knowing more about you and what you enjoy doing. There has to be something you like doing when your husband isn't away. I don't imagine you just follow him around the whole time. I am very much a loner and did all my drinking in isolation, but I also used drinking as a reason to isolate myself even more. So, now I've ended up with no friends. No one to call on. I have joint custody of my children (50% during Summer and 20% during the school year) but other than that, there has been nothing.

I don't follow the AA creed or do the steps either but I have started going just to be around other people who know what I'm going through, people who get it. I'm finding that most of them are just normal people like I am. I've also just started forcing myself to speak to people I would ordinarily never say a word to. Doesn't matter if it's something as trivial as the weather. Just say something. It helps to break up the monotony. I've paid people compliments and that gives my spirit a lift as well.

Think long and hard about things you enjoy that do no involve alcohol. If alcohol sufficed to fill your time, you wouldn't be here asking for ways to stop using it. So, you already know it only makes matters worse. It only magnifies the misery and unhappiness, right? Avoid it at all costs. It's easy to sink back into it because it's familiar and it numbs even the reasons you're sinking back into it, but it's a trap and a cycle of madness. You have to break it.
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Old 06-28-2014, 05:45 AM
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1. detox
2. make a list of things you think you like doing alone sober
3. try them
4. adjust your list
5. keep doing this one day at a time.
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:01 AM
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I live on my own and so know the problem every evening after work, reasons 1,4 and 5 are basically the same thing, and your issue won't be solved by doing nothing, the problem with simply taking alcohol out of your life and not changing anything else is you end up with a lot of free time, sitting around thinking about alcohol, and that's a recipe for disaster.

So what we need to do is change our lifestyle, pre plan things to do each evening, that's difficult at first as we probably didn't expand our interests/hobbies over the years, we just filled the time with drinking, right?

But that needs to change, we need to carve out a new pattern of life, what do we want to do with our lives, now we've dealt with the issue of alcohol!!
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:15 AM
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My wife used to travel frequently for work at times for the whole week, and I too would look forward to her trips so I could drink as much as I liked. Of course there was hell to pay when she returned, but I didn't care. AA is not an option for me either. What does work, though, is a commitment to sobriety, a well thought out plan for those dangerous times as well as when all is well and complacency sets in. I don't think it has so much to do with "finding something to do" as to having the calm that comes with sobriety.
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:16 AM
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Hey there --

Your post resonated with me, as I have little doubt that my living alone my entire adult life was a major contributor to my drinking problem becoming as severe as it did. Just as you say, there was no one there to stop me or bear witness to my foolishness, so I was "free" to drink until I passed out, then wake up and start over again. Yay.

I think the fact that you're preparing for your husband's trip is a great sign. I would say to make a commitment to yourself (actually, maybe it would be a good idea to get your husband involved and be accountable to him as well!) not to drink and then HAVE A PLAN. Schedule your days from morning to night if that's what it takes.

If I were you I would make a list and at least loosely schedule every day. Do not leave large yourself large gaps of time in which to find yourself bored and wanting to drink. Don't leave anything to chance, and do not try to face those days without a not-drinking PLAN. Simply planning not to drink is not a plan.

Even if you're house bound in your husband's absence, you can keep yourself busy:
--Try a new recipe that you can make for your husband when he gets back. Heck try three or four new recipes!
--Go buy or check out a stack of books and magazines from the library. Get some movies while you're there.
--Try a craft project. One thing I'm preparing to do is make a junk journal out of a used book (here's a six-part YouTube tutorial! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIEXYZRRQ_8 ). Start a scrapbook or a smash book (here's a smash book! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWnA5wGS9cY), maybe? Tap into your creative side!
--Pick a room (or a corner of a room!) and organize it. Get a couple of boxes and collect items you can sell or donate.
--Clean out your refrigerator.
--Take a walk or pick up a new exercise video you can try.
--Can you call a cab or otherwise get out of the house at least one day? A day trip to whatever the nearest town is to shop or check out any historic sites?
--Plan to call someone you haven't spoken to in a while and have been meaning to get in touch with. Or go old school and write a letter.
--Treat yourself to an at-home spa day? It's summer. Maybe an at-home pedicure, long bath with or without candles, wax or tweeze unwanted hair (it's bathing-suit season!), conditioning treatment for your hair, facial mask, etc.
--Visit SR. I'd plan on twice a day, at least.

You can find many, many more ideas here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

We believe in you -- you also need to believe in yourself. You CAN do it!
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:53 AM
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Alone or in a group I liked to drink. In a group, I loved to swap jokes and drink beer. Tell stories about places I've been and people I've met. I loved to take turns reciting limericks with other folks, if you failed to come through on your turn, you had to buy a round. I was a happy go lucky drunk until my health failed me. Suddenly drinking was as serious as my heart attack. I had to stop or die. I chose life. I find I can still do all the things I like, but I just can't drink while doing them. Its a challenging on-going adjustment which I do one day at a time.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by snowbunting View Post
Every day is the same if you don't have a car.
You may try addressing the transportation challenge at some point. This can always come well after you quit drinking , and all.

I found a bicycle helped my range of getting around a whole lot. At first I would just ride for fun, with another guy, ....but about a year out I started doing it more for workouts, and found it was easy to ride 25 miles every day, with longer 50-60 mile rides on Saturdays or Sundays.

Just bought a nice used scooter this spring, and since it's a bigger one, I can go on anywhere. And more fun than driving my gas guzzling truck in good weather, for sure.

There's been wonderful suggestions here about addressing your real pressing issue,...... the transportation thing is just an after thought ...really.
Cycling, like a lot of things, .. is fun sober, .... but a bad idea drunk.
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Old 06-28-2014, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by snowbunting View Post
For those asking why AA isn't an option - two reasons mainly. The first and most important (to me) reason is that I don't accept or believe in the higher power, and so for me to work the steps would seem false and disingenuous, not true to either myself or the program. The second reason is that I can't get to a meeting because the nearest one is 8 miles away in the evening and there are no buses in the evenings. The second reason could be worked on if I was desperate to attend of course, I could call them and see if anyone could offer me a lift or something, but it's irrelevant anyway because of Reason #1.
1. The steps will work for you whether you believe in them or not. I have a HP who I call "not me". It is more than enough to live a happy sober life.
Finite self vs. infinite possiblities....there is no dishonesty in MY conception of a power greater than I. The current problem is that we alkies play god, when we are just humans.

2. I have NEVER, in all my travels without a car, NOT been driven to and from a meeting by another AA member. It is service work. I would call the local AA number and someone will give you a ride.

I used #1 to stay out and drink for 20 years. I wish someone could have told me that I could be an atheist in AA when I was 18. Would have saved me a lot of devastation.
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