Having Anxiety
 

Hello everyone,

I need help with the anxiety I'm having. The weekend is here. My spouse is still not talking to me or even acknowledging my presence due to my drinking and falling last Sunday. He's the type who could go for weeks without talking to me when he's angry with me. I can't make it go away any faster and I've been praying the Serenity Prayer over and over today to try and stay calm because this is something that I can't do anything about and words from me will not solve. My words mean nothing and at this point it's only actions. I'm doing everything I know I can do right now to stay sober but saying those things to him won't help, he's not likely to believe it or won't think it will last. You can hardly blame him.

So I can't force things to be different right now, just learn to accept it until he comes around or hires a divorce attorney. But I feel like cat crap. I'm formulating a plan of what to do tonight in case he's still the same when I get home from work. Things like go for a walk, take a ride to the lakefront, go get groceries, I already am planning to go to a meeting, etc.

I don't know. I did this to myself. Sorry to whine. I've been so tearful this week.



:react

Please don't feel you are whining, it's a horrible situation to live in. Okay, you made a mistake, but how long can he continue to punish you for it? His actions are making your resolve crumble, he needs to support you while sober and ignore you when drunk - he's got it all backwards.

Note of caution: a lot of people here tell me I can't quit for my partner, I have to quit because I want to. Is there a bit of this going on with you?

And as i understand it, being emotional is par for the course at this stage of sobriety.

One good thing to note - no where in your post did you mention being tempted to drink. GOOD ! and as for when you get home - go about your day - ignore him right back. You need to concentrate on YOU for a while, not worry about your spouse. Leave him to his sulk, take that walk and have a nice evening.

((((((ElleDee))))))

It sounds like he needs time and space to come round, but he will. Be as patient and as normal as you can. Deep breaths! It took my partner a long time to appreciate that I was serious about this, but now that he does, he is my biggest support :hug:

ElleDee,

Hang in there. I also think he just needs some space and time right now. Take care of yourself, and I think it's great you have a plan!

The silent treatment is awful...my parents used to do that to me. Do you have anyone else to talk to for support?

I wish you the best and hope you have a nice weekend.

Yeah, I know. That's been a bone of contention throughout my struggle is that he himself went through all of this 30+ years ago. Although not a drinker, he's a self-admitted marijuana addict. Nice, right? Anyway, with regard to the alcohol, I was expecting his help but he's been only angry mostly and at one time a little upset that I didn't talk to him but I couldn't! He goes from 0 to 180 about it. He makes it difficult to be honest because I know I'm going to be punished... ignored and not talked to indefinitely. I told him once I get my support from my meetings where I am NOT judged. Well anyway, not to ramble. Yes, I believe that at times I was trying to stay sober to make him happy, not do it for myself. I feel that now I'm doing it for me. I came close to seriously hurting myself last Sunday plus my doctor told me this week to quit for the sake of my liver. That's a real good incentive.

I feel strong. I have a Plan B for tonight! Yay!

:thanks

I know. He needs to work it out in his head. It's best if I just try to move ahead with do what I want and need to do and not let it hold me back. He will come around and if he doesn't... well... I'll survive... and I won't drink.

Hi ElleDee,

For now, I think some face2face support might be indeed a good idea: going to a meeting or hanging out with a sober friend... I only used SR in my first 2 months and it worked for me, but I did not have to deal with conflicts with a partner at home, that must be a huge stress on you even if he has the right to feel badly.

Later on, if you stick with sobriety, I think it would be best to discuss these things with him and let him know/see you are more committed than before.

Haennie - I agree. When I have some proven sobriety under my belt I will try to talk to him about it. I really WANT to be open with him but sheesh it's too sensitive a subject for him and he just doesn't deal with it. But I'll try again down the road a bit.

:thanks

My marriage got to that point as well. I said I was going to control it or quit dozens (maybe hundreds) of times. It wasn't believable for me to say it any longer. I had to DO it.

I like that you're planning ahead for the evening. Initiative...action...you're DOing it. Don't stop now!

:You_Rock_

The weekends are the best time for meetings. Last Friday I hit four meetings in one day. You could use your schedule and find a bunch of different type meetings.

Last Friday I went to the really good 7AM meeting that is full of people with long-term sobriety, so it is all about the solution. Then I went to my womens' meeting where everyone is in the middle of a meltdown. Then I went to the afternoon potluck meeting which is really spiritual and I heard some awesome stuff. Then I went to a two speaker meeting - two people with longterm sobriety.

I love doing that - and if your husband doesn't want to talk, why subject yourself to his pouting? :lmao

Great advice you all. ElleDee, I found it really helpful to focus on something other than the most stressful parts of my life in the early days as I was self-admittedly overreacting a bit to pretty much anything that came my way. Who? Little old me?? ;)

If you do not go to a meeting tonight, maybe you can putz around a nice shop, pick out a few 'hello' cards or tiny presents, and write out few nice letters of gratitude. This works for me to lift my spirits and pass time.

Also, try staying logged into SR and hang around the 'weekender' thread. Bounce thoughts off of everyone. This was SUPER helpful in the first days and now I just cannot stay away.

Hugs to you!

:grouphug: **Also, maybe you could pick out a nice selection of Night time herbal teas...they are not just for the night, hey? and it works well to calm my mind and body a bit any time of the day.

amen!

Yes...I can.
The silent treatment is an abusive and controlling measure. It is neither loving nor mature.
He may be frustrated but that does not make an emotional abuse tactic permissable.

He is PUNISHING you. And that..my new friend..is just not right.
Addiction is not something we choose. For heaven's sakes...who would???

Stop blaming yourself. Stop swimming in shame. You have a problem with alcohol...you are struggling to buck this addiction monkey off your back.

Geez Louise. He is doing enough punishing for both of you. Stop it.

You gotta clear your head, my get out of stress activity is a long walk, coat on, ipod in, pound the pavement for an hour or so in the fresh air!! :)

ElleDee, prayers for you to get through the weekend. I feel your pain, my biggest trigger to drinking is when we have dreadful fights with my husband and he shuts me out. I completely go out of my mind then. Definitely have a plan, walk and take care of yourself and just get through it the best you can. If he's anything like my husband, he needs his space after a blow-out and he will come back around only when you're back to being "normal" and calm. Maybe I'm projecting. Either way, thoughts are with you, best of luck on getting through it and sticking to your plan.

ElleDee, hang in there. I have a family member that gives me the silent treatment for months every time I put my foot down to her trying to control my life. (My mother) The funny thing is that during that silent treatment I have realized that I can breath easier and be free. I have done the most growing during her silent treatments! I think she saw that the last couple times and we do much better now. Gifts from God come in so many different forms. Just keep on rolling with it like you are. It will all turn out for the best.

Now this lady knows how to make some fine lemonade from life's lemons.

It sounds like he has a history of being abusive and controlling.

That doesn't sound like a healthy home environment for anyone, sober or not.

But for now I like that idea of ignoring him and his silent treatment back.

Also: Maybe he's worried that people will think he hit you.

Sometimes my wife won't stop talking and leave me alone, which I find abusive and controlling.

What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?

Because I don't have anything to say.

Hope you're having a good afternoon ElleDee :ring

You guys have made me feel SO much better. I think I will enjoy just being on my own this weekend and paying no mind to him and his pout. Going to a meeting right after work and then out for a bite to eat with an AA friend.

Love you all!
:c017: