melki

Hi,

I’m a stay-at-home mom to two wonderful kids, having made that choice and putting the career on hold five years ago. I have been drinking as long as I can remember, but in the last few years have descended into full-raging alcoholism. Can’t count the amount of times I’ve said “ENOUGH” and tried to put a stop to it. Can’t count the number of embarrassments and hitting lowest of the low. None of this has made me put a final stop to it. And I’m scared I might fail again.

My husband is also suffering from alcoholism. Our marriage has always been rocky, and drinking has obviously made things worse. Over the past few years we have at least both realized that we have a serious problem. So here we are again. Day 1 for me. For years, even while realizing the problem, I thought I could still somehow manage it. I’d go through months of not having a single drink and feeling great, and then having a few beers or a glass of wine socially. And once or twice that would work, but soon enough I'd start sneaking a bottle home to top it off at night, which often was followed by hard-liquor drinking and sometimes day-long binges. It’s scary how fast I’d go right down that hole. With each episode, I’d sink lower and faster. My mind has always found an excuse to drink, mostly because of stress and exhaustion and just wanting to escape it all. At this point, I have completely lost myself, and finding it very hard to care about things that used interest me.

I want to feel wholeheartedly that complete abstinence is the answer. I want to be stronger than the tricks my mind can play by talking me into “just this one”. I have read about 12 steps and although I am spiritual, they don’t really speak to me. I am also not able to make any meetings in person, so I was happy to find this forum. I do wish there was somebody other than my husband that I could talk to about this. With us it's like blind leading the blind, but at least we understand each other about it. I'm embarrassed to come out to anyone I know but think I could really use a sponsor.

Thank you for your support.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, melki. You will find so much support, understanding and encouragement here - all lots of folks to talk to who know where you are coming from.

As for moderation, it never worked for me - ever.

Again, welcome.

ElleDee

Hi Melki,
I am new to sobriety and I tried to moderate for years... doesn't work for me. Anyway, this is a great place to come for support. Everyone understands and can relate.

melki

Thank you. Moderation is not something I'm able to handle either, as much as it frustrates me. Any ideas on how one could find a sponsor without going to the meetings? How does the sponsor help, actually? I don't find it useful just talking about it with my husband.

NewFighter

Melki, welcome!

Moderation is exhausting, and futile. It took me 3 years, and slipping farther into the dark to come the the conclusion that I had no control after the first drink, and that it had become beyond a problematic, pastime, I was in hell. Drinking, not drinking, hiding the extent of the truth, guilt. Nothing relaxing or fun about any of that.

So glad to have you!

A Fellow Mother, Moderation failure, and member on the wagon.

melki

NewFighter, you're right, it's exhausting.

Nuudawn

Welcome Melki. Stay with us.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum melki!!

Cowgirlie

Hi melki, a big welcome to you! Wishing you the very best of luck

x

melki

Thanks again everyone. I am tremendously inspired by you and very encouraged. This forum is a fantastic resource, full of amazing stories and people. I feel like this time is truly different for me and I have you all to thank for it.



I will have to remember to stay mindful when the initial excitement wears off.

Gonnachange

Just caught up on a lot of your posts and started threads. I wish you well.

melki

Thank you, Gonnachange. Ditto.

Change4life

welcome melki. I can really relate to the difficulties you have with your husband. My partner and I are both alcoholics and it makes it twice as difficult to quit. There are days I think to myself, today I wont drink, but then they come home with beer and I hear the sound of the can cracking open and I am like here I go again. The alcohol complicates the relationship on so many levels

melki

Thanks, that's where I am now: committing to sobriety, but husband is reluctant. It's not easy.

Harford

I just starting as well. It is hard. I'm just on day 2, and I'm already taking it hour by hour. I can't wait to go to bed to know that I have conquered another day. It is hard, but know that you are not alone. I'm at least one other person going through the same feelings at the same time.

SnoozyQ

Hi Melki , even if your husband is reluctant , do this for you , for your kids .
Be the Mum you have always wanted to be .

We just cant do that sober , it's impossible .

You have had enough and moderation just doesn't cut it at this point in your drinking career , that will never be an option .

I remember those days of trying to moderate ! Yeah right! I was kidding myself.

Try and do this together with your husband , but if he's not ready you have to try on your own .

It's so worth it , your time has come and you deserve a better life xxx

Good luck and keep posting xxx

Anna

That's exactly where I was. I had lost myself and almost didn't manage to care enough to stop drinking. But, I can tell you that 'you' are still there. The disease doesn't want you to believe that, but it's true. I was so surprised to find that there were so many small things that I began to enjoy when I stopped drinking.

I don't use AA either and there are other ways to stop drinking. I have always used SR as my lifeline and have depended on a few very helpful books too. Know for sure, you can do this, you are worth it and you are not hopelessly lost.

melki

Good luck Harford, let's do this!

SnoozyQ, thank you! I am commited to it now, for myself and for my kids. Ultimately, for my husband and our marriage too. I will still have crappy days I'm sure, but will not be drinking them away.

Anna, yes to every word!

SnoozyQ

I echo Anna's post exactly . I could have written that word for word .

SR was my lifeline and still is . AA was not for me , but is for many others , whatever works for you xxKeep posting

melki

I could've written it word for word too.

I'm a bit afraid that once the excitement wears off I might start distancing myself again, so please someone ping me if I disappear. I have been known to get very excited about things and then not follow through. I understand that this time is different though, this is my life, and I choose life.