What to do!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
What to do!
The love of my life has been admitted into a detox and rehab facility. I have spoken to him the last two days, he's angry and upset, I am sad, I never knew it was this bad, but he almost died of alcohol poisoning. I am not a drinker, I don't drink not even a bit. I am not an alcoholic. I grew up a goody-goody who needs help understanding addiction. We do not cohabitate so I was not aware of the drinking or the extent of it. I would smell it sometimes and once questioned, he would tell me he had a drink or two. I don't really know what a person who drinks is like because I only had and have friends who are just like me. I love this man beyond the moon and I want to do what is right for him even if after rehab, he breaks up with me. I want him to be happy and I want to do and say the right things. What should I expect while he is in this facility? What will happen when he returns home? What should I do when he is home to make sure I am conveying my love and support? Mostly, I don't want to convey my own anxiety of losing him. I want him to feel okay about leaving me if that is what is best for him to do well.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome Candleworks!
Most of the Family and Friends of alcoholics visit the Friends and Families section of the forum. You might get more advice and information there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Most of the Family and Friends of alcoholics visit the Friends and Families section of the forum. You might get more advice and information there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi candleworks 
I know this must be an upsetting bewildering and unfamiliar time for you, but you'll find support here, and in the FFA section Nonsensical mentioned.
I've never been in rehab, so I have little to share but I know others will
D
I know this must be an upsetting bewildering and unfamiliar time for you, but you'll find support here, and in the FFA section Nonsensical mentioned.
I've never been in rehab, so I have little to share but I know others will
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
Should I expect him to break up with me? It's just a real shock. I am not sure how to deal with this. I worry about his bills being paid and rent being paid. I'm doing everything I can to take care of that but I think I use that as a distraction. I write him e-mails everyday but I don't know if he reads them or can read them. I've sent cards to the facility but I don't know if they give him the mail. Am I just sending things and he's never going to get them? I've recently been told by someone who was in the same situation but was cut off for several months by his partner. Should I prepare myself for that?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
On the one hand, I would think that having a girlfriend who doesn't drink would be a positive thing in his post-detox life. On the other hand, he may be struggling with issues beyond alcohol abuse that make it hard for him to be involved in a romantic relationship right now. I think you are taking the right course here in being supportive, but preparing yourself for the fact that the relationship may not work out over the long term.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
Thanks, GroundhogDay, I expect that the rehabilitation center as well as his various support people will suggest he cut off all of the people he can and start over. Im sure it necessary for the person in recovery, but it's terribly traumatizing for the people in the periphery. I don't know that I can handle being completely abandoned so abruptly. I'm trying hard to understand what is happening as much as possible because I get the feeling I will never have closure in this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Grass Valley, CA
Posts: 358
Glad you are here, but sorry for your struggles. What worries me is that he is "angry and upset" about being in rehab, one of the cornerstones of recovery is wanting to be in recovery, if he thinks he's being punished then it will be a struggle for him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
I should have made that clearer. He's not angry and upset that he's where he is. He's angry and upset because he thinks I called the authorities and had him put there. When I voiced my concerns of medication dosage to the detox facility, they told him they will lower the doses but keep him longer. He was so heavily medicated that he couldn't put a sentence together. When they lowered the dosage, he was coherent but was upset that I was helping because he said it doesn't help. They released him from detox as originally scheduled but I don't know if he's aware of what he said to me or what happened.
I haven't heard from him since he's been transported to the rehab facility so at this point, I am completely in the dark. The only thing he told me before his phone was taken away was that a new young woman was admitted and she was cozying up for sex and affection (which she actually did have sex all night with one other guy.) I don't know if my BF and she were successful in that but it of course worries me that such activities are happening.
I haven't heard from him since he's been transported to the rehab facility so at this point, I am completely in the dark. The only thing he told me before his phone was taken away was that a new young woman was admitted and she was cozying up for sex and affection (which she actually did have sex all night with one other guy.) I don't know if my BF and she were successful in that but it of course worries me that such activities are happening.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by candleworks 
I should have made that clearer. He's not angry and upset that he's where he is. He's angry and upset because he thinks I called the authorities and had him put there. When I voiced my concerns of medication dosage to the detox facility, they told him they will lower the doses but keep him longer. He was so heavily medicated that he couldn't put a sentence together. When they lowered the dosage, he was coherent but was upset that I was helping because he said it doesn't help. They released him from detox as originally scheduled but I don't know if he's aware of what he said to me or what happened.
I haven't heard from him since he's been transported to the rehab facility so at this point, I am completely in the dark. The only thing he told me before his phone was taken away was that a new young woman was admitted and she was cozying up for sex and affection (which she actually did have sex all night with one other guy.) I don't know if my BF and she were successful in that but it of course worries me that such activities are happening.
I haven't heard from him since he's been transported to the rehab facility so at this point, I am completely in the dark. The only thing he told me before his phone was taken away was that a new young woman was admitted and she was cozying up for sex and affection (which she actually did have sex all night with one other guy.) I don't know if my BF and she were successful in that but it of course worries me that such activities are happening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago,il
Posts: 71
Alcoholic here so just giving my perspective. One of the key things taught in recovery can also be beneficial for you. Do not let 'stuff' take up space in your head if you can't control, can't change it, etc. worrying about the issues you raised are only going to create uneccesary anxiety for you.
Most rehab places have the client cut off all communication during the initial period unless direct family. Further - most advise against any relationships and instead have the client focus solely on his/her recovery. So - it is not surprising that there is no contact. You can search the threads and find a lot of previous discussions on this. Finally - most practice a selfish strategy that involves 100% effort on recovery which leaves little time for family or friends.
You also might want to look into some help for yourself. Alanon or something similar in addition to SR. You will not only learn a lot about what your BF is going through but also yourself. You might also learn about ways (maybe not) that you were enabling him and/or codependent.
Good luck. I'm just over 6 months sober and the initial recovery requires a tremendous amount of selfish commitment to recovery with no distractions.
Good luck. Tons of resources here for you. He has a lifelong battle ahead of him.......not an easy road for spouses or significant others.
Most rehab places have the client cut off all communication during the initial period unless direct family. Further - most advise against any relationships and instead have the client focus solely on his/her recovery. So - it is not surprising that there is no contact. You can search the threads and find a lot of previous discussions on this. Finally - most practice a selfish strategy that involves 100% effort on recovery which leaves little time for family or friends.
You also might want to look into some help for yourself. Alanon or something similar in addition to SR. You will not only learn a lot about what your BF is going through but also yourself. You might also learn about ways (maybe not) that you were enabling him and/or codependent.
Good luck. I'm just over 6 months sober and the initial recovery requires a tremendous amount of selfish commitment to recovery with no distractions.
Good luck. Tons of resources here for you. He has a lifelong battle ahead of him.......not an easy road for spouses or significant others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
Blackhawkfan, thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experience and words of wisdom. I guess I really need to go through the break up process without being dumped. Also, trying to say the right things so that if and when he contacts, I don't stress him with my heartbreak. He's usually a gentle and kind soul. I don't know this version of him. I imagine it's like releasing the demons. Everyone has to go through some sort of vomiting and it's never been a pretty site.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
For the time being he is in the best place for him, alcohol addiction is a serious thing, so with the right people around him hopefully he can turn things around, it's difficult not knowing what's going on, but let him get the help and treatment he needs, and be patient!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i was knocked out with your post were you said you loved him and would be happy if he comes out of rehab and it was the end for you and him
that is indeed real love, something that took me a long time to understand as i thought love was keeping people i love next to me and never letting them go,
i hope it all comes good for you and your bf finds the help he needs there, but thanks for showing a side of real love as without doubt if you love someone you can be happy letting them go for there own sake
but as i say for me i hope this guys gets the help he needs and all will come good for you
that is indeed real love, something that took me a long time to understand as i thought love was keeping people i love next to me and never letting them go,
i hope it all comes good for you and your bf finds the help he needs there, but thanks for showing a side of real love as without doubt if you love someone you can be happy letting them go for there own sake
but as i say for me i hope this guys gets the help he needs and all will come good for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
Purpleknight, I'm sure his being in rehab is the best place for his alcoholism. I guess I'm just worried that all of the "hooking up" that's going on isn't good for him. I've watched other people I know who have met someone during rehab go into a very bad direction. He may no longer be my BF because he will be told to cut his ties with me, it doesn't mean I don't worry though. Just chatting about it makes it better for me in the sense that I am not pretending I'm okay with him having relations with a fellow addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 9
Desypete, thank you for such kind words. I've always told my BF that I love him no matter what. There are truly no conditions. I've been through a great deal in my life and I've come to terms with so many things that have broken me. Loving someone doesn't mean you expect them to love you back. You hope they do and if they do, it's like hitting the lottery! I mean lottery in the literal sense that the odds are pretty slim. I still put my dollar into the pot and see where fate takes me. Just as I'm willing to love though love will not be reciprocated.
I want him to be happy and healthy in his mind and body. It's the most important thing in our relationship. I've always told him that no matter what happens, he can count on the fact that I'll always love him and I'll always be cheering for him. So if he's alone someplace and scared or feels like there's nothing left, he can count on my soul being with his.
I know love is a four letter word where you can find complications beyond control, but my BF has given me the happiest years of my life to me. Where it goes from here is irrelevant. This is no longer about me and what I need but about him and what he needs to function as a whole human being.
I'm not co-dependent and I don't enable his drinking. I am tough with him about drinking and how it's intolerable. I have a small child and I do not intend to have that child experience addiction or someone who has to check out of life to go on a drinking binge every so often. My BF left a marriage with a woman who had him buy her drugs and alcohol because she was an addict who was happy to be comatose due to drugs and have him comatose due to alcohol. I told him I'm not like that and I'm not going to allow any of that.
So in the end, though I love him very much and I know his being away from me is breaking my heart, I really want him to do well. He's a kind soul with amazing talents. I want to see him succeed. Even if it is from afar.
I want him to be happy and healthy in his mind and body. It's the most important thing in our relationship. I've always told him that no matter what happens, he can count on the fact that I'll always love him and I'll always be cheering for him. So if he's alone someplace and scared or feels like there's nothing left, he can count on my soul being with his.
I know love is a four letter word where you can find complications beyond control, but my BF has given me the happiest years of my life to me. Where it goes from here is irrelevant. This is no longer about me and what I need but about him and what he needs to function as a whole human being.
I'm not co-dependent and I don't enable his drinking. I am tough with him about drinking and how it's intolerable. I have a small child and I do not intend to have that child experience addiction or someone who has to check out of life to go on a drinking binge every so often. My BF left a marriage with a woman who had him buy her drugs and alcohol because she was an addict who was happy to be comatose due to drugs and have him comatose due to alcohol. I told him I'm not like that and I'm not going to allow any of that.
So in the end, though I love him very much and I know his being away from me is breaking my heart, I really want him to do well. He's a kind soul with amazing talents. I want to see him succeed. Even if it is from afar.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
