A Ban. Done. Me. (nt)
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
A Ban. Done. Me. (nt)
I've had my "issues" rise to the surface again for deep and relentless introspection.
After doing a bit of soul searching, and drinking, I have, again, been forced into facing that which kills me is either going to go ahead and kill me, or, alas. make me stronger.
Perhaps I have never acknowledged just how strong I was going to have to become in this lifetime experience. But I know full well that I despise being fragile and weak.
And alcohol only serves to keep me right there.
Broken and forlorn.
Even though, in the moment, it makes the bad guys go away.
Eight months of sobriety taught me what it means to put the pedal to the medal. And rather than careening out of control, life without chemical alterations kept me sane and able to steer clearly.
My apprehension with abandonment is what is driving the booze bus right now. While I'm so incredibly proud of the job I have done raising a self sufficient, kind, smart as a whip, loving, giving, gentle yet profoundly strong child, I am being forced, vis a vis, time marching on, to face the fact that she will be on her own. In a year.
When I wasn't looking, the fact that that is looming, grabbed a hold of my psyche and started to play tag with it. The anxiety came around, stared me in my face, as a gift perhaps, to remind me that there are still off kilter emotions, that despite my best efforts, have not been dealt with.
Properly.
I talk a good talk. Somehow, someway, someday, I'm going to figure out how to walk the good walk.
Once and for all.
So help me.
Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, fighting harder to stay sober, forgiving myself for my mistakes, and seeing life and every single day, for what it is.
A gift.
After doing a bit of soul searching, and drinking, I have, again, been forced into facing that which kills me is either going to go ahead and kill me, or, alas. make me stronger.
Perhaps I have never acknowledged just how strong I was going to have to become in this lifetime experience. But I know full well that I despise being fragile and weak.
And alcohol only serves to keep me right there.
Broken and forlorn.
Even though, in the moment, it makes the bad guys go away.
Eight months of sobriety taught me what it means to put the pedal to the medal. And rather than careening out of control, life without chemical alterations kept me sane and able to steer clearly.
My apprehension with abandonment is what is driving the booze bus right now. While I'm so incredibly proud of the job I have done raising a self sufficient, kind, smart as a whip, loving, giving, gentle yet profoundly strong child, I am being forced, vis a vis, time marching on, to face the fact that she will be on her own. In a year.
When I wasn't looking, the fact that that is looming, grabbed a hold of my psyche and started to play tag with it. The anxiety came around, stared me in my face, as a gift perhaps, to remind me that there are still off kilter emotions, that despite my best efforts, have not been dealt with.
Properly.
I talk a good talk. Somehow, someway, someday, I'm going to figure out how to walk the good walk.
Once and for all.
So help me.
Until then, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, fighting harder to stay sober, forgiving myself for my mistakes, and seeing life and every single day, for what it is.
A gift.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi AO,
You sound utterly exhausted. From one woman to another, I will say that I am sure your daughter is a force to be reckoned with and you have done a great job...a gift for us all.
Can someone perhaps make you a cheese sandwich, bring you a glass of water and tuck you in for some real rest from your thinking?
Your good friends are right here with you. And the planets are rejiggering as we write
You sound utterly exhausted. From one woman to another, I will say that I am sure your daughter is a force to be reckoned with and you have done a great job...a gift for us all.
Can someone perhaps make you a cheese sandwich, bring you a glass of water and tuck you in for some real rest from your thinking?
Your good friends are right here with you. And the planets are rejiggering as we write
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
AO, you don't need me, or anyone else, to give you reasons not to drink. You know all you need to know about that.
And I don't mean to play the guilt card regarding your daughter. But I will tell you that, since I got sober last year, I have noticed a subtle but very real change in the way my children treat me. I am a single dad and my kids split their time equally between me and their mom. And since I have been sober, I feel so much better about myself as a parent. I feel like I am giving them a role model that they can actually be proud of. And as my kids begin moving out of the house, I feel less worry that they will follow in my drunken footsteps, and more hope that they will follow my sober path.
When we get drunk, they notice. When we stay sober and stay strong, they notice that too.
Good luck.
P.S. Don't worry so much about your daughter leaving the nest. They come back more often than you might expect.
And I don't mean to play the guilt card regarding your daughter. But I will tell you that, since I got sober last year, I have noticed a subtle but very real change in the way my children treat me. I am a single dad and my kids split their time equally between me and their mom. And since I have been sober, I feel so much better about myself as a parent. I feel like I am giving them a role model that they can actually be proud of. And as my kids begin moving out of the house, I feel less worry that they will follow in my drunken footsteps, and more hope that they will follow my sober path.
When we get drunk, they notice. When we stay sober and stay strong, they notice that too.
Good luck.
P.S. Don't worry so much about your daughter leaving the nest. They come back more often than you might expect.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
So very glad to read this post my friend.
For me...I know I have to stay vigilant this time..that the first darn year is likely the hardest...and no matter how freaking evolved or enlightened I figure I am..
I CAN be bucked off.
This is the year I'm going for my 8 seconds.
Again..so very glad you're back here with me..and all of us.
(I'm very big on horse analogies of late..no idea)
For me...I know I have to stay vigilant this time..that the first darn year is likely the hardest...and no matter how freaking evolved or enlightened I figure I am..
I CAN be bucked off.
This is the year I'm going for my 8 seconds.
Again..so very glad you're back here with me..and all of us.
(I'm very big on horse analogies of late..no idea)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
I call it the paradox of good parenting. You raised your daughter so that she would have the skills and confidence that you wrote about which ultimately means she's going to leave the nest and try to find her own way. You should be very proud of the job you've done. Both of my kids are in college and I too was emotionally torn when each of them left. I fell back on the knowledge that what was going on was what my wife and I worked and sacrificed all those years for to achieve.
I'll also second Firstymer's point: they come back more often than you might expect. Also, given how easy communication is between cell phones, Skype, email, etc. it's very easy to keep in touch even if you're separated by many miles as we were when my daughter spent the past year studying 3000 miles away.
AO, it's emotional, but it's all for the good.
I'll also second Firstymer's point: they come back more often than you might expect. Also, given how easy communication is between cell phones, Skype, email, etc. it's very easy to keep in touch even if you're separated by many miles as we were when my daughter spent the past year studying 3000 miles away.
AO, it's emotional, but it's all for the good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Look on the bright side - it's good for her and it's probably good for you, too. It definitely simplifies life. Gives you more time to work on you, I don't see how either of those is a bad thing. Further, it's a year away, in the future -- e.g., has not happened and will not happen for some time.
Why get all knotted up about something that's great for your kid, probably great for you, and even on the ultra-slim chance that it does end up negative, it's a YEAR AWAY. You're going to, what, fret about this on-and-off from now until next summer?
I think you are seeing clouds where it's mostly silver linings. Now, if you were lamenting the high cost of college tuition, I would be shedding tears and donning the sackcloth right there with you (my daughter leaves for college in a month or two .. holy moly .. $$)
Why get all knotted up about something that's great for your kid, probably great for you, and even on the ultra-slim chance that it does end up negative, it's a YEAR AWAY. You're going to, what, fret about this on-and-off from now until next summer?
I think you are seeing clouds where it's mostly silver linings. Now, if you were lamenting the high cost of college tuition, I would be shedding tears and donning the sackcloth right there with you (my daughter leaves for college in a month or two .. holy moly .. $$)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
AO, glad to see you again. I won't say too much now, just that I think you should really focus on your primary issues. Sobriety is the first. But you talk about a lot going on... Focus on YOU, address YOUR problems one-by-one, but do not over-extend yourself. I personally recommend that you don't approach it as a fight - that deprives you of energy. More that you face these things with acceptance, and when you struggle, seek help here or wherever you can.
You were doing so well and inspired many people in the past - you can do it even better in the future! Change strategy if/where necessary and move ahead! And keep posting
You were doing so well and inspired many people in the past - you can do it even better in the future! Change strategy if/where necessary and move ahead! And keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Hey sis...I am a mess too! Sober mess but I am really getting the unmanageability under my control thing pretty well, lol. We all have our ****. Not all of us choose to deal with it. I am lucky I am mindful and can be introspective. But this can cause all sorts of problems too. You have the opportunity and knowledge to deal with your baggage. That is gift many less fortunate never figure out. So now it's time to deal and we are here for you to journey together!
Sometimes the best way is the simple way!
Sometimes the best way is the simple way!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Truth be told, and I'm not proud, I'm currently sober light.
Which means, I haven't drank in 4 days but I ain't committing to the full Monty.
Yet.
Primarily because I'm both afraid to fail again as well as I haven't gotten to the good side of sobriety again.
You know, still mildly bloated, mildly anxious, mildly just off.
Although I ran like a gazelle today at the track. And that felt supremely fantastic. The endorphins were bouncing all over the place. It was delicious.
And I felt free. Like I was flying.
So no tequila tonight.
Why tequila you ask ?
I found the hangovers aren't nearly as bad as wine.
I'm not proud.
Which means, I haven't drank in 4 days but I ain't committing to the full Monty.
Yet.
Primarily because I'm both afraid to fail again as well as I haven't gotten to the good side of sobriety again.
You know, still mildly bloated, mildly anxious, mildly just off.
Although I ran like a gazelle today at the track. And that felt supremely fantastic. The endorphins were bouncing all over the place. It was delicious.
And I felt free. Like I was flying.
So no tequila tonight.
Why tequila you ask ?
I found the hangovers aren't nearly as bad as wine.
I'm not proud.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
No Dee.
Can't do that yet. Got too much yucks regarding the relapse still.
So those words feel foreign to me. False to some degree.
Like I never really had all that knowledge anyway.
I feel like an imposter. And I rather wish all those old threads would just jolly disappear.
Can't do that yet. Got too much yucks regarding the relapse still.
So those words feel foreign to me. False to some degree.
Like I never really had all that knowledge anyway.
I feel like an imposter. And I rather wish all those old threads would just jolly disappear.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I am happy that you aren't giving up on sobriety, AO, and even if your posts aren't helpful to you right now, they have always been helpful to me. In fact, I am on my first day of vacation and I got the winsomes for wine (for 27 years, vacation always meant wine free for all). This is my first summer without alcohol (Damn all of these firsts in year one!!). I got very tempted to buy a bottle of wine today. Sickeningly, I even thought of ways to "sneak" away from my family to drink. (and it is only Day 1 mind you, ugh.) Anyway, thanks to a few SR members, including you, who I have always related to and your honest accounts of relapse not being worth it, I was able to hold on to my sobriety for one more day. So, once again, thank you.
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