redrah419

My husband hid his opiate addiction from me. Only after he took his life on Valentines Day did I learn how much he had been hiding. I found him at his fathers house after he did not come home for 2 days. He had hung himself after taking a huge amount of oxycodone and oxymorphone, along with some other over the counter meds. He had been sick off and on; assuring me he did not know what was wrong and going to the doc. Of course, foolishly I believed him and thought he was truly ill for other causes the docs would find out. He was constantly moody, tired, and blame everything on being sick and stress at work. I also did not know he was not working a whole lot. He pretended to come home often. No one called from work, he was pretty high up, so I never knew. I noticed my credit card maxed out and started asking questions. Of course, nothing he said made much sense. I then began to notice a history of large and repetitive withdrawals. Again nothing he said added up. I was and still am heartbroken. I begged him for answers. I even confronted him about drugs as a possibility. Lies. Denial. He was emotionally distant from my heartache. Not normal for him. He told me he had a doc appt and then texted me the doc said he had ms. Of course I freaked and rushed home. He never came home after that. I called everywhere and filed a missing person report. 2 days later he texted me he would be home and loved me w all his heart. When he did not return, I drove to his fathers house and found his car. His father had seen him and left him at the house believing he would return to me. His dad came home, entered with me, and I found him there. He had passed already but I tried to recusitate him anyways. It seems so surreal.
I am left with 3 amazing kids, 10,9,7, ghat miss their Daddy and a broken heart. The saddness, anger, and loneliness comes in waves. I have learned his symptoms were most likely an opiate dependency, he had drained many of our finances, had accounts I knew nothing of, had asked his mom for 5000 that she never shared w me, and was not honest at work. I dont doubt he loved me. I think he was ashamed of his addiction and the liar and person oxy made him into. We had insurance and I wonder if he was tired of feeling like a failure or let down and we were better off without him. He was the love of my life for 20 years. I feel lucky to know what love means , before the opiates took him from me of course.
Loving am addict is painful and draining. I also feel so alone and fear I will never know happiness again. I am 35 with 3 kids. Totally stressed. Totally heartbroken. Feel totally alone.

Notimetoloose

I am so very sorry, I have no doubt that your husband loved you and the children with his whole heart.

Sometimes we can back ourselves in a corner and can not see a solution or a way out in our delusioned drug soaked brains & we will come up with a answer to stop the pain.
Unfortunately we don't really realise it is forever and the pain that we will leave behind.
In our delusions, we can think we are doing the right, the only thing.

Are you and the kids seeing a grief counselor or therapist?. I think they can help, just talking openly and being reassured that all your feelings and thoughts are normal in all this madness and great loss.

Needinghelp82

I am so very sorry for your loss

DisplacedGRITS

*biginternethugs*

SeekingGrowth

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost someone I loved a result of his heroin addiction. A young kid. I can empathize with the pain you are experiencing - there are really no words to describe how devastatingly heartbreaking it is. My heart goes out to you and your family. Opiate addiction - and addiction generally - is so incredibly destructive. Unfortunately, you are not alone.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm so sorry for your loss, redrah419. I don't even know what to you. Undoubtedly your husband loved you and your children but it's as you say- there's so much shame and pain in addiction. An addict feels like no one understands what they're going through and fears nothing they ever do can be good enough. Addiction ruins so many lives, it's so sad that you are the one that has to suffer for it.

SparklingSeven

Oh pet I am so so sorry!

How awful. Addiction is such a horrible thing, its such a shame.

I hope you and your family can find the strength to get through the coming days/weeks...