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To recap... I do not know if I am going to this place on monday for 10 days detox plus therapy! or I will have to wait 3 weeks... to go in! And I do not know I will be able to go in 3 weeks... My mum is waiting to be operated and I have to be there. let alone survive that long. So I have to phone in a cople of days to see If I can go in! And I have to raise 4,500€ from here till monday... But I need to move my butt like I move it to get Sugar! Today... I tried to get hold of my psychiatrist but he is on holidays. Need a pass paper AND MY HEAD SAID if I can get the chance I ask for some...! but till next ***** wed... But on my card I had 2 boxes of meds Bingo. To get 20 benzos: I had to wait two hours in the back of my friends shop whilst she cashed up... so I smoked pot and fell sleep on a chair!!!! uncomfortable! Then go to a another quemist bang... I had a plan B in case I made an appointment with my GP on Friday... Be a good actress and get prescription box.... I seriously have to go to the Oscars... Plan C was the worse get dressed rough and go into the bronx of Marbella! I have not gone in for many years but I am capable. Thursday drug centre meeting at 8.30... Lets see if I manage to get there... How the hell I am going to say what I am up to! They want me to close doors Not to fetch! The other day was going through a medicine cabinet that was not mine!!! And I have to work after LOL... God It is amazing how I actually manage to do it...seriously! The meeting with the spicologist of that place went straight where it hurts... What is it exactly you are trying to achieve taking that????? After that question I thought ... he might be able to get through my thick head And maybe something clicks in me head and restarts my brain! Wants me to put down each time I take something, type, amount,... and cannot take bunches I have to take one at a time... even if I have to take one wait a minute and take another... Strange!!! said Idealy I need to start to slow down before I goooooooooo lol No wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I just got hands on... I am sick and tired of throwing staff down the loo it is really difficult to get benzo!!! God It is easier be on coca,mda Only good news I am still not drinking! Good **** Job! I REALLY NEED TO GET IN ON MONDAY! So Now I got back to it!!! :scorebad |
Not even sure what to say - I am praying for you Aiko. |
So am I! |
Thoughts are with you Aiko!! You can do this!! :) |
I think you absolutely have to put yourself first here Aiko. Caring for others is great - until that being there becomes and excuse for you to put off doing things you need to do for your own well being. You've come a long way aiko - but the journey's not over yet, but a long way...don't stall now :) D |
I can Not go in on monday.... They want 21st. Is too.far away! So i am looking other centres. But they say minimun 15 days to a month for detox. And am waitimg for my mun to have mayor surgery and have to be here..... They need me! But I am not well.and I hide it! I can not desappear that esayly! And got work max I can scape 2 weeks got to.solve problems before I go! I am so stressed... I do not know how the hell I am going and where!!! I feel so tired! But they are noticing!!! So now a coffe and phone arround! And I got an appointment with GP to get more pills... So will ne late.at work again...... Part of my head is saying give up! The other.sais I need to get clean! The other says you can do it alone! But my AV is laiyng! I am so tired....... Yesterday my shrink todl me to smoke marihuana rather.than benzo! Lol Got to get going.... Long day ahead.... XO |
Aiko, you are so sweet, good luck with all your plans, I get tired just reading all the energy you use to use. Soon I hope it gets easier for you. I like the 1st rehab plan. I am sick and tired of throwing staff down the loo |
they keep on saying I have to go in minimum a month... and I can NOTTTTT That I am not going to last... I just need help to stop! I have to go now to convince my doc to give me more and then go to work. I am so tired... am waiting for a couple of phone calls to see if they leave me go in 15 days. NOTIMETOLOOSE: I am Spanish sometimes I do miss spell even in my mother tongue! LOL |
Aiko, I found that in early sobriety I had to stop trying to do things my way and trust the people around me to know what was best. |
They say 15 no way... That when I come out I will take a nunch and OD... So I am trying to conbince them that I will have therapy as soon as I come out!!! So wayting phone call... Or try another place... And at the end will have to explain my brother why I wont be here... F####### |
Dear sweet Aiko. This is one of those times you need to put Aiko first. I say this as a mother. There is nothing more important to a mother than her child; if your mother knew how much you were struggling, she would want you to go to rehab and not wait for any reason. Your mother wants what is best for you and nothing else. I am praying for you, Aiko. |
Aiko ..you can do it..and you will. I have faith in you! get to the rehab and worry about your mom when the time comes...take a deep breath |
I have acctualy begged... But if I can not have weekly drug centre supervision afther I Leave... They will Not admit me for only 2 weeks! They insist... I will OD when I get out! And I insist I will OD sooner If I can not get help! So now wait for monday to see if they can arrange somerhing... In the meamtime I manage to get another box of 40 benzos... Starting to think it was better when I used to drink+pot But I am going to solve it... |
you know you have to go longer to rehab...just do it |
Originally Posted by Aiko
(Post 4744944)
But I am going to solve it... No Aiko - you might kill yourself but you my dear will not be solving anything. I am praying that you get arrested. I think that is perhaps the best solution to help you get the treatment you deserve. You are of no help to yourself. I just feel badly for your poor parents. To loose one child is heart wrenching but I could not comprehend loosing both children too. What you are doing is selfish and senseless but that is addiction. I am curious - you talk about the pills and drugs like a badge of honor here. All I see is a beautiful woman trapped by this addict. The quantity of benzos or blue ones or any other pill that your talk about as a conquest just comes across as sad and pathetic. |
Yes I am PATHETIC! But I am trying..... And is not that easy! Been all week trying to get somewere and get hurdles... Now got to wait till monday if they accept me for 15 days I can get off work and am praying that my mum is not taking in hospital... I am under a lot of preassure!!! Do not be so harsh.on me!!! I. Trying................ |
you need to check into that rehab for however long they want you to. If you OD, what good will you be to your mom and family then? They don't want that. I've been reading your threads since I joined and I gotta say, I am worried for you. I have a 30 yr old brother who is a benzo addict, I know firsthand what that OD looks like as he has OD numerous times. The last time, he OD'd in a public library where he was FINALLY arrested and sent to a psyche ward. That was 3 weeks ago. and frankly, it was the BEST thing that could have happened b/c now he may actually get the help needs. Aiko - you need help. And you need it yesterday. Please. You need to start really looking at what this becoming. I hope you do turn this around before it's too late. |
as for your parents - I'd bet anything, all they want is to see you healthy and happy and SOBER. Hell, my parents have a 30 yr old son who is a drug addict in the hardest sense and in a psyche ward after being kicked out of ohhhh 5 rehabs in the last 10yrs. A 37 yr old daughter who is and alcoholic and now going to jail for her 2nd DUI. but you know what? they love us. They just want us to get better. and I am SURE that is what your family wants for you too! End the madness. *hugs* |
Sooooooo... When are you going rehab... Gimme a date... Date date date date... Gimmeeeee a date !!!! (Used to be a project manager...) |
Have you heard anything else about rehab, Aiko????? Thinking about you. |
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