Kimchi420

How do you move on from the addiction of another human being? When your heart and your head tell you two different things, and the pain of not having them there is excruciating...to quit, only to then relapse and take them back, wanting to give them the "benefit of the doubt" your brain warns you not to. It's a constant struggle...do I leave and take care of me? Will leaving make him think I don't care? Was there something I could have done differently, where he would have felt open to confide in me? I feel like it's my fault, like I could have done something different. I hate that I love an opiate addict. I would never wish it upon anybody.

Tamerua

That's tough, I'm sorry you're hurting. I know that I once loved someone who was unavailable and when I finally called it quits, I had to call it quits all the way not to get sucked back in.

Nuudawn

It's hard, confusing work. Good for you though! You are AWARE that it's an issue. I have no idea why it is easier to love another over ourselves....trying to learn.

Glad you're here.

Dee74

Welcome Kimchi

I think support and understand is vital in getting over any kind of addiction.
I know you'll find support here both in this forum and our Family & Friends forums too

D

juskeepswimin

Your heart and your head telling you two different things... Ha! Don't I know this all too well. I'm struggling with staying strong right now and not giving in. It's pretty clear that addiction not only affects the addict, but also everyone that loves them deeply. I hate loving an opiate user as well, but I love my ex boyfriend underneath all the ugliness. Just like the drug has robbed them of their special qualities, their addiction is robbing you of everything that makes you a wonderful person too! It takes TWO healthy people to make a relationship work and even if ONE of you aren't healthy, the equation doesn't workout. In order to give the relationship, or even your boyfriend or you separately a fighting chance at happiness and health, you need to focus your energy on changing you! Keep working at it even if it's something small your working on! There is something that you can do differently...And that is taking care of YOU. It will beneficial for both of you. I always think how we want our addicts to work on themselves and seek sobriety...well, shouldn't we be able to work on ourselves too if we are asking and/or wishing that of them? Shouldn't we be working towards bettering ourselves just like we want for them to do? Remember that you are the only person that you can control in this situation. Each day that you make baby steps towards working on yourself, I promise that things will figure themselves out more than you might think they will. Start by making a small/ baby step change tomorrow. For example: I started with drinking more water this week... Next week I might work towards starting to go on walks everyday. Take it slow and keep on your path of strength!

Kimchi420

Thanks @justkeepswimmin, you're right...it is truly empowering to start doing things for yourself, to just feel good independently. Like taking a walk every day or going on a date with your best friend. It's about helping yourself...but god damn it's hard to move past the lies and deception and not take it personally. Especially when hard drugs have never been apart of your daily life!

Nuudawn

I have recently read that at the root of ALL addictions is an intimacy disorder.
For me that rings true...
In doing some real work in the structures of problem solving this past week and whilst using my problem with alcohol as the problem I need to solve..
I was clearly able to see the actual roots..which are some sort of cognitive dissonance between both my lonlieness and my issues of intimacy. Alcohol was one of the many ways I hid from intimacy..and in the same breath cured my lonelieness..

But what true intimacy occurs when you're hiding behind anything.

Is it not somewhat safe...if you have intimacy issues to "love" an addict...how real or truly connected does it ever really get? Drama and chaos isn't real...it's simply another escape mechanism...to not sit quietly and connected with another human...

Kimchi420

I can't speak for anybody else, but I wouldn't say I have a problem being intimate with the ones I love. I'm not addicted to any substances, it's a pattern of giving too many chances because I love the person so deeply...and addicted to the happy times and the idea of that "family" or perfect relationship starts to glimmer and you think for a second that it will be all right. So you give in and let them have one more chance...even thought you know it won't end well. But the thought of it MIGHT working well overrides all logical thought. And logically, a heroin user is not the person that they used to be before they started using. It's a shell.

Nuudawn

But intimacy is reciprocal...it takes two right? It requires giving AND receiving. It requires seeing and being seen. When you are busy, busy taking care of others...worrying about others...loving others..
Who is seeing and caring for you?

Kimchi420

I have my core of a handful of loved ones who take care of me emotionally, and up until recently my boyfriend had too. I didn't even know he had an addiction until two days ago.

Kimchi420

I'm feeling like I really want to talk about other peoples experiences with heroin addiction. I'm not exactly feeling the need to talk about my own emotional intimacy. I can't be with a heroin addict. Now I just have to let go. Was hoping for somebody maybe going through the same thing as me.

Nuudawn

Sorry...swing and miss on my part.
I just think of intimacy as I have heard it oft described "In-to-me-see".
Most addicts are not able to allow others truly in as their is a core of self loathing or perhaps unacceptance of selves. They hide behind stuff...substances..etc.

I guess there wasn't a problem until 2 days ago then? Sorry..I thought you had already suffered the crushing lonelieness and distance and confusion of loving an addict who is usually too high or drunk to truly be there..ya know present for you...in the moment and connected.

Others will be along to provide things that resonate for you better. It's a forum with lots of experience.
Bright blessings to you.

Kimchi420

I had suspected that he was doing drugs since January, but he had lied and lied and lied up everybody's ass that he wasn't doing anything and we were all crazy. So 6 months of being paranoid and suspicious and then finally discovering his stash of used tin foil was just the last straw I could take. All he had to do was say "I have a problem. I need help" and I would have bent over backwards and gone over the moon for him. But now I'm faced with the reality of looking at a man that I no longer know, and the life we were building is crashing down. I can never live my life with somebody who I cannot trust. And I need to learn how to be ok with letting go of that person, and not worrying about whether or not THEY will be ok, but about whether or not I will.

juskeepswimin

My recent relationship over the course of the past 6 months was with a heroin addict. I didn't find out he was using until a few months into our relationship, although I suspected and thought something was off before. It's pretty tough because I would find myself angry at my bf for all the lies and hurt. You go through so many emotions and eventually you find that none of them "work". I tried killing him with kindness and being open and nonjudgemental, I tried being angry, and I tried being the mom giving him advice. Absolutely nothing you do will change their addiction though. You have to understand that this isn't the person that they WANT to be. It is the addiction that lies and steals in order to survive. Try separating the person they once were from their addiction. Anger towards the addict will only make you more frustrated and them feeling a deeper sense of shame then I'm sure they already have about themselves. If you ever need any advice, let me know. You can always private message me!