coastalgirl

Forgive me if I don't sound as articulate as I seemed in my first thread here. There's so much on my mind that it exhausts me in a sense.

My husband makes me happy. So does my little sister. Animals make me happy. Travel makes me happy. The thought of having a child or children with my husband within the coming years makes me happy. Chocolate chip cookies make me happy.

...Made that list in the car after a half-assed workout at the park.

Even though these are things I enjoy, knowing that I cannot drink again (but is it really 'ever' again?) makes me really, really sad. Absolutely depressed ABOUT the thought of forever sober.

One way of thinking: "I've had my drunken fun. I've hurt a lot. I don't know when to stop drinking despite plans I make, usually. I had plenty of wine in England, France, and ITALY three years ago when I was 20. Enough of this. I have messed up and hurt those I love most. Done."

Other way of thinking: "Dude. I'm 23. I am young. I just graduated. German, Russian, Dutch, and Italian; off the hook! Surely I'm not too much different from the world or anyone else's drinking behaviors. I'll stop for a bit (perhaps a few years) to readjust my marriage. Then I will have control!"

Sober for three days, confused, upset with myself, asking why my mind is going crazy with the desire to stop AND the desire to continue drinking. Where's the fun, and truly guys, WHERE is the fun without alcohol? I used to know. Now I can't find it and feel like I never will. What about the next 10 weddings I go to? Get togethers with friends? Date night with my husband?!

PurpleKnight

The fun without alcohol? it's not throwing up in the shower every morning, not going to work every day with a hangover, having poor performance reviews at work, spending too much money on something that only lasts a night, living life in a haze, years drift by with very few memories, and not having pains in my abdomen that started shortly before I became Sober.

If alcohol is affecting your life as it was mine, there is no option, also I'm 31yrs old so I guess I'm still in the youngish category, but something had to change!!

btw I was at my sister's wedding a few weeks back and it was fantastic attending Sober.

Hang in there!!

Nonsensical

That battle has raged in my head for longer than you've been alive.

One of those voices in that argument is a liar. I'd give you two guesses to figure out which one, but you're only going to need one.

You can have a rich full life without drinking. Can you have one with drinking? Only you can answer that question for yourself.

For me - I had to choose between drinking and everything else I love in my life. As easy as that choice sounds like it ought to be, that liar living in my head and it's sweet lies about all the fun I was going to miss out on made it very difficult for me for a while.

Hevyn

Hi coastalgirl.

I do understand how you feel. In my 20's I couldn't imagine letting go of it. So I didn't. I went on for years trying to manage my drinking so I could have 'fun' and relax. What I learned was that once we cross the line from social to alcoholic drinking there's no going back. My drinking days ended with two dui's, lost relationships, terrible health, financial problems. I hurt and confused everyone I knew. It was horrible trying to dig my way out of the mess I created. All because I didn't heed the warning signs in my 20's.

You will never have to suffer the way many of us have. You're grieving for the lost euphoria that drinking once gave you, but we can't get it back. You will get used to your 'new normal' without alcohol - and you'll find you won't need it to enjoy the great life that lies ahead.

Dee74

if you're like me you drank for years.

My relationship with alcohol was one of the longest relationships I've had in my life.

It's natural to mourn that loss...especially on day 3...even if the relationship was toxic.

Try and not worry about forever.

The future has a way of not being anything like we expected, but better

None of us would still be in recovery if we felt we lost out on the deal

D

Anna

It's hard to fully accept that you can never drink again and sometimes it's helpful to not think of 'forever' because it can be overwhelming.

I also felt like I would never enjoy anything again in my life and I clung to that belief for months. Amazingly, in the first weeks of sobriety I began to enjoy so many things that I had been overlooking while drinking.

Hawkeye13

I used to feel exactly like you do right now.

Today, you couldn't pay me to take a drink of alcohol.

Life really gets that much better, but I didn't believe it either at first.

Don't think too far ahead yet. Enjoy the things you love each day
and before you know it the sober days add up to life well-lived

coastalgirl

Thanks, guys. These responses make me feel good. Every time I get an email notification that someone has replied, I get excited. It's so nice to have people hear you and relate to you. These past few days have been rough and I see more of them soon unfortunately (but naturally), but I'm trying to do the best I can. I appreciate how safe I've felt in this community so far.

Nuudawn

I went to AA the first time when I was about 23. Evidently..it didn't stick. I kept drinking. I couldn't handle my liquor then ...still can't. What I have is a barely lived life in my wake. What I didn't do is learn how to have fun (and there are plenty of ways) without alcohol. I didn't learn to handle stress. I didn't really become cognizant of my anxiety issues. I didn't learn to connect with others in an honest and intimate fashion. I didn't learn to feel comfortable with small talk in groups.. I didn't learn to live because I counted on booze to do my living. It's a lousy ship's captain.

I sincerely hope that it doesn't take you so long to learn to be yourself..without alcohol. It's sad trying to do so when you're old..er um..older : )

Hope and bright blessings....

Gottalife

My early ventures in sobriety went something like this.... I must stop drinking because I am scared to death and full of remorse for what I have done. I stop but I am also frightened of sobriety, I don't handle life very well. After a week or two my external world has got a bit better, I got some money, the pressure I'd off, my memory of why I stopped is fading.

But my internal world is coming apart. I was happy as hell the first week, then I start to get restless, irritable and discontent. The fear comes back. Now sobriety feels worse than drinking. I get hit with that strange mental blank spot where I completely forget why I stopped, and a drink looks attractive, just one mind you. Then the cycle repeats.

The only way out was for me to find a way to change my outlook on life to such an extent that being sober was attractive and enjoyable. More than I could manage on my own.

Joe Nerv

I never had intentions when I first stopped of not drinking forever. It was impossible, as far as I was concerned, and I had no desire to do it. I was taught by some good people in AA to keep it at a day at a time, an hour at a time, if necessary. I listened to them, saying always Ill drink tomorrow if I really want to badly enough. 30 years later I still haven't picked up a drink, and haven't had any desire whatsoever to do so for about 29 years. It's a great feeling to be free of the need, and desire to drink. And all ya gotta do is not drink, right now.

I was also 23 when I stopped. Have an awesome life now because I did. I'm certain I'd be dead or institutionalized if I didn't.

DisplacedGRITS

Hey coastal girl! So thinking about not drinking ever again gets ya down...how about not thinking about it? Seriously, I don't let myself think about not ever, ever drinking again. It makes me sad, scared, hurt, angry. Seriously, why me? Why not? I'm sure I'll be able to drink one day in the future. Right? Right??

To be honest, pondering my future alcohol exhausts me. It brings about all these negative emotions. It never, ever gives me hope. I find that I suddenly have begun living in my future. Where will I be in 5 years? Will I be able to drink by then? Will I be normal? Will I be sober and miserable? Will I be sober and happy? It's only been a few days, how can I not drink for years when just a few days are so hard? Ohmygosh! Stooooop!

So I choose to not think about never drinking again. I can't handle the enormity of it right now and I don't have to so I won't. All I concentrate on is not drinking today and, if I'm feeling solid, not drinking in my near future. If I find myself getting stuck thinking about forever and getting sad and scared, I do what it takes to stop that. I call someone, do something I enjoy, hit a meeting, read a book. Whatever it takes to get me out of that negative, destructive behavior.

Don't get stuck in negative thoughts that serve no purpose other than to cause harm. Let them go. Send them off to drift in the cosmos. If you don't give them anything to cling to, they cannot stay around you for long. They are banished by us getting out of our own heads and starving our fear. Talk to a friend, help someone else out, eat one of those delicious chocolate chip cookies! Negative thoughts will pass if we don't encourage them to stick around.

doggonecarl

Don't take how you feel at three days sober and use to imagine what a lifetime of sobriety will be like. It isn't the drab, funless existence you fear it to be, or no one would recovery.

It's understandable that you grieve a life without alcohol days after you quit...that's the way your addiction lures you back in. Focus on not drinking for the next couple of week while your mind and body heals. Then start filling your life with the abundance that being alcohol free provides.

least

There is plenty of fun to be had without drinking. Sometimes you've got to make your own fun. I promise you that sobriety is not boring or dull.

SoberLeigh

Hi Coastalgirl.

Life with alcohol eventually became a nightmare. Life without alcohol has been very, very good. You are very, very lucky and wise to recognize the pitfalls of alcohol at such a young age; you will never "truly" regret a life without alcohol; life as an active alcoholic is another story - it is most often full of major regret.

You have an absolutely beautiful life ahead of you; live it to the fullest!!!!

coastalgirl

Sober for 12 days and this is hard.

Update:
1 - initiated a talk with my dad about my drinking (he's a recovering alcoholic) and I was very surprised by the lack of advice and lack of talking he did. Our conversation was pretty one sided. He did make me think hard though when I told him that I do but don't want to stop drinking. He says that in AA most people are there because they have hit a "rock bottom" and it stopped there for them. Now, 12 days ago I hit a rock bottom, but I think I'm getting past it. My husband is as well, I think. I still want to have control with alcohol, and soon. This 'one day at a time' is a great concept but I am struggling and just want my wine.
2 - still planning on trying AA, but it's like... damn it. Will people take me seriously? I don't want to stop drinking forever. I'm sorry to sound like that. Still super confused and full of questions for myself. Thanks for letting me vent, guys.
3 - seeing my therapist face to face Wednesday. Much needed. I don't know what she will say except for that my choices are up to me and maybe that I should try an AA meeting. But I do look forward to her additional words.

Grocery shopping in a couple hours. Optimistically I put wine on the list, and then my husband crossed it out and said "wait" ...which I totally see his struggle. I was disloyal to him 12 days ago. My gosh.

Notmyrealname

I never tried to stop drinking forever, just tried to stop drinking today. That was 369 sober days ago. Maybe I'll decide to drink someday down the line, but it isn't compatible with my life now. I have things going on that I care about and responsibilities to people I care about, and history has shown that booze gets in the way.

If you have problems with booze now to where you think you should quit now, where do you think you're going to be with that problem in ten years? Most drunks get worse over time, not better.

If you continue to think of drinking as high quality entertainment it will be very difficult to stay quit for any significant length of time. That was what got me -- it wasn't a good time anymore, and hadn't been for years. After awhile you're just trying to stay ahead of the withdrawals.

Goodluck

ScottFromWI

If you are an alcoholic, you cannot ever have control over alcohol - period. It's a very hard thing to accept, and scores of us have tried, over and over to achieve it, but it is simply not possible. Either you are an alcoholic or you aren't.