wakeupcall1

I made it a 1 1/2 years sober. I was so dang proud of myself. I just cannot even begin to tell you. I am getting a divorce and well, my single friends- drinking single friends - came knocking. Lets go have a drink'" "you are not an alcoholic, you can moderate." And moderate I have- for 8 months. But, this is creeping back into my life and I can feel things starting to unravel.

Its that stupid, crazy obsession - I can't describe it- it dictates everything. I have to plan my workout days around it, my meal plans (I am a fitness enthusiast) around the alcohol, the loss of strength in the gym -you cannot believe what a toll it takes on your muscle recovery - I HATE THIS!

I am so mad at myself. I just cannot believe I let myself be talked back into this crap. So, here I sit, pledging to begin anew and trying to remember that I have done this before and I can do this again. I guess I just really needed to put this out there. No one thinks I have drinking problem- but I know I have a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum wakeupcall1!!

Nothing for it only getting straight back into Sobriety, don't worry about the past, we've all been there, i spent a year trying to moderate, I finally had to accept that 1st drink would always spiral, so not having that 1st drink was the key!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR!!

FeenixxRising

Welcome wakeup. You will find a lot of support here.

You mentioned "The Beast". Are you using AVRT?

Boudicca

Welcome! I feel if you did it once you can again! I am newly sober and totally understand what you wrote. The "ticking time bomb" feeling is your true self telling you what time it is! (pun intended.) As a fitness enthusiast you must know how destructive alcohol truly is to our bodies. I know you want to be the best you can be, otherwise you wouldn't work out, lol.

I found that by the time I tried to "moderate" my drinking it was already too late. I couldn't take an abnormal relationship and make it normal again. Normal people moderate without having to try.
The Beast is clever. It lies to us and tells us the things we want to hear. It isn't your true best self.

Keep coming back.

Cahabr

I know what you mean about alcohol affecting muscle recovery and workouts. I train a lot for triathlons and other races and every time I had drinks my training would suffer. It was one of the big motivating factors to quit. I put way too much time into my workouts, sometimes 8-10+ hours a week, they need to count. It's not worth a few moments of alcohol induced bliss to negate weeks of training.

Hevyn

Hello Wakeup! Welcome to a great place for friendship & support - we all understand what you're going through.

I tried so many times over the years to control what I drank. I didn't want to give it up - it has once been fun and a nice escape. I found that I could never go back though - each time I picked up it led me to an unexpected, unplanned place. I put myself in danger many times - and did out-of-character things. It had to go! I made the hard decision that I couldn't touch it.

It's so good you know what to do. Many people never see how it's slowly destroying them. Glad to have you back on track and here with us.

wakeupcall1

I know where I messed up- I secretly thought- look I am drinking too much wine, unhappy marriage etc. I can drink again- but for now - I will calm - the beast. I woke up one morning and quit for a year and a half without a "big plan." I now see it- the beast was taking a nap! Not dead in his tracks. It's just so frustrating. I am such a competitive person and I hate that this stupid thing has lapped me for 8 months. Like I have lost time. I don't like thinking of this as one day at a time. For some reason that really bothers me. Avrt worked the last time and I plan on using it again. God what a complete pain!

wakeupcall1

I know! It is just not worth it. I train so hard and take five steps forward and then come Saturday night - it's 9 back! I feel like crap all day Sunday, eat like a hog and then am shaky and weak in the gym until about Wednesday and I won't even go into cross training! It's just not worth it.

FeenixxRising

For me making the Final Decision (I prefer that term instead of "Big Plan") was important. It's the bulwark I needed. I had to commit and say "I will never drink again, and I will never change my mind, no matter what".

I hope you do start using AVRT again. If you do, check out the Secular Connections sub-forum. AVRT is discussed at length there and there are number of members who use AVRT posting there.

Nonsensical

You don't have to try to describe it here. We know.

Welcome to SR. Glad you're getting back on the sober horse before things get awful for you.

Dee74

Welcome wakeupcall1

Yeah we all know that insane illogical obsession. The sooner you can nip it in the bud, the better IMO.

You'll find a lot of support here

D

Nuudawn

I understand EXACTLY what you're talking about. I'm still getting my footing after relapse as well. It was the obsessing I noticed first of all...even if that obsessing was about that drink or two at the end of the day as quantities had not yet become as problematic as it has been in the past.

It was like I could feel my life getting smaller and smaller and smaller...as the obsessing was growing stronger.

It's really hard to articulate.

Welcome back.

pauladmits

I can relate to this. I play some high level hockey here in Alaska and my increased drinking made me crumble. I'm like 6'0, 200 and I was breathing and acting like I have never worked out in my life. I couldn't keep up with the best teams. Dudes just skated right around me. I was taking like 30 second shifts which started pissing off some of my teammates. Drinking and working out do not mix. It's crazy how much alcohol slows you down.

Focus on fitness, get your groove back. Can't change the fact you went back to the demon juice but you can change what you do tomorrow. Good luck in your journey. Keep us posted!

whatsgoingon

Hi Wakeupcall, I can relate to your situation, mine sounds quite similar. I'm into my fitness too and just like you I decided to 'moderate' after a long period of being sober.

Its tough eh.

I think my period of sobriety I was pretty much in denial, I thought I had cracked the drinking but in reality I had just become a 'dry drunk'. I was not cured or recovered, I had just some how managed to avoid drinking.

The gym I think could be my saviour. I have slowly started to get back into it and I know once I start seeing positives gains with my body I am more likely to stay motivated with the drinking.

Good luck to you, hope everything works out.