Help! I'm afraid Im going to relapse again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
Help! I'm afraid Im going to relapse again.
Having a rough time here peeps!!!
I went camping alone with my 3 kids (what the hell was I thinking) and by the time the afternoon came around I was ready to snap and just lose my fricking mind. My sister visited me at the campground and she said "Too bad you don't have any wine or something huh?"
and I said "yeah but Ive been sober for 5 and 1/2 months and am trying to keep it that way"
she said "Yeah but by now you probably wouldn't need as much, just enough to calm you down"
Now this is coming from my wise older sister who I trust more than anyone so she couldn't be wrong. So then the idea was stewing in my head.
She left and then my husband visited. I told him I wanted to drive to the nearest store and get a little somethin'-somethin'. He had no objection.
I walked into that beer cooler and felt so naughty and rebellious. My alarm bells were silenced by justifications that I shooting off rapid-fire.
"I'm camping, it's different"
"My sister says its OK"
"Just this once"
"It will make me a happier camper!"
So I grabbed a 6-er of Summer Shandy(which I want everytime I hear the commercial on the radio) and a 6er of Molson for hubby.
My whole drive back I glanced over at that beer like an old friend I hadnt seen in forever.
I had a shockingly little guilt or apprehension.
I sat down in my chair in front of the fire and took a swig.
"Ahhhh I said, Its been a long time"
I had a full stomach(spicy ravioli, echh)so the first beer didn't make me feel anything. I cracked open the second, took a drink and realized I was starting to feel some anxiety.
My brain started to question my behavior.
"You IDIOT. What are you doing? You are sleeping in a tent tonight, alone with 3 kids. You are gonna be thirsty, and pee all night."
Than I felt the heartburn bubbling up. Spicy ravioli and lemony beer do NOT mix.
I said to my husband "Y'know what? I am just feeling way to full to drink this second one, do you want it?"
He took it and I told him to take the rest home.
I was stuck with miserable heartburn, but at least I quit when I did.
Now some would say "Oh you slipped, Day One." but I refuse to start over because of that one beer, still at 5 and 1/2 months in my book.
ANYWAY, my problem is now, that one beer seems to have awakened the beast.
Everyday since I got home the thought has been cruising around up there. It sounds like a good idea to drink on our upcoming pontoon cruise/dinner destination. It really does. We will have a babysitter. It's a special occasion.
It is one time deal. It's different now. It's been a long time. I'm smarter now, I can recognize if I start to drink too much again.
That's all BS. RIght?? Right?? I'd be nuts to drink on our date night/ Right?
I can't even tell anymore, I am all confuddled.
Someone slap some sense into me, ONCE AGAIN, please.
I went camping alone with my 3 kids (what the hell was I thinking) and by the time the afternoon came around I was ready to snap and just lose my fricking mind. My sister visited me at the campground and she said "Too bad you don't have any wine or something huh?"
and I said "yeah but Ive been sober for 5 and 1/2 months and am trying to keep it that way"
she said "Yeah but by now you probably wouldn't need as much, just enough to calm you down"
Now this is coming from my wise older sister who I trust more than anyone so she couldn't be wrong. So then the idea was stewing in my head.
She left and then my husband visited. I told him I wanted to drive to the nearest store and get a little somethin'-somethin'. He had no objection.
I walked into that beer cooler and felt so naughty and rebellious. My alarm bells were silenced by justifications that I shooting off rapid-fire.
"I'm camping, it's different"
"My sister says its OK"
"Just this once"
"It will make me a happier camper!"
So I grabbed a 6-er of Summer Shandy(which I want everytime I hear the commercial on the radio) and a 6er of Molson for hubby.
My whole drive back I glanced over at that beer like an old friend I hadnt seen in forever.
I had a shockingly little guilt or apprehension.
I sat down in my chair in front of the fire and took a swig.
"Ahhhh I said, Its been a long time"
I had a full stomach(spicy ravioli, echh)so the first beer didn't make me feel anything. I cracked open the second, took a drink and realized I was starting to feel some anxiety.
My brain started to question my behavior.
"You IDIOT. What are you doing? You are sleeping in a tent tonight, alone with 3 kids. You are gonna be thirsty, and pee all night."
Than I felt the heartburn bubbling up. Spicy ravioli and lemony beer do NOT mix.
I said to my husband "Y'know what? I am just feeling way to full to drink this second one, do you want it?"
He took it and I told him to take the rest home.
I was stuck with miserable heartburn, but at least I quit when I did.
Now some would say "Oh you slipped, Day One." but I refuse to start over because of that one beer, still at 5 and 1/2 months in my book.
ANYWAY, my problem is now, that one beer seems to have awakened the beast.
Everyday since I got home the thought has been cruising around up there. It sounds like a good idea to drink on our upcoming pontoon cruise/dinner destination. It really does. We will have a babysitter. It's a special occasion.
It is one time deal. It's different now. It's been a long time. I'm smarter now, I can recognize if I start to drink too much again.
That's all BS. RIght?? Right?? I'd be nuts to drink on our date night/ Right?
I can't even tell anymore, I am all confuddled.
Someone slap some sense into me, ONCE AGAIN, please.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
It is all BS. Before you know it you'll be right back where you started. Think the drink through. How will you feel the next day? Is it worth the sick feeling of a hangover, depression and crushing guilt? Nah. One thing I can say is that I've never regretted NOT drinking. However, I've woken up and beaten myself up all day for what I did the night before countless times. I never want to feel that way again. I don't have to if I don't drink.
It won't be that much fun anyway because you know it's not good for you and will be thinking about it while you're drinking, just like you did when you had that beer.
Hang in there. You can do this. I know it sounds trite but deep breathing really helps me when I am irritated or stressed. Going camping with three kids is an admirable thing to do! Haha
It won't be that much fun anyway because you know it's not good for you and will be thinking about it while you're drinking, just like you did when you had that beer.
Hang in there. You can do this. I know it sounds trite but deep breathing really helps me when I am irritated or stressed. Going camping with three kids is an admirable thing to do! Haha
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
yup. I never regret NOT drinking. Ever.
That's a great way to flip that. When have you ever woke up and thought "man I wish I drank last night!!! I'd feel so awesome right now!"
5.5 months is fantastic!!!
That's a great way to flip that. When have you ever woke up and thought "man I wish I drank last night!!! I'd feel so awesome right now!"
5.5 months is fantastic!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
Wow, so glad you were able to stop, I know I wouldn't have! Not sure what plan or program, if any you're using, but I could never do it on my own! My experience is that it took the program of AA, meeting people face to face and having support to help me get and stay sober! I would make a plan before it's too late.
Pulling for you!
Pulling for you!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Oh gosh..what a post.
First thing I gotta say ..is nice work on STOPPING!
Second thing I gotta say is you DON'T lose that 5 1/2 months.
That's ludicrous.
I relapsed 8 months..but I did not lose the 4 or 5 months of sobriety I had last year. It was an incredibly eye opening experience. And I learned so much ...tools that are coming back to me again. Memories like I had today..when I counted out $300 cash I have acquired in a cup in short order...same cup I used last summer and watched it grow, grow, grow....
I relapsed last friday..for one day. I didn't lose the 3 weeks I had previous.
Buuuuut...
I did pick a new sobriety date simply as the starting point for my ongoing continuing sobriety. Know what I mean? It's like if you're whackin a paddle and ball (ya know the one with the attached elastic string?). You might get to 100 but when you lose momentum...ya kinda have to start over at 1 and better your last go?
Nothing takes your efforts and growth in a previous sobriety. Just my two pennies...
As to the hungry beast awakened...ya...that's a bugger.
First thing I gotta say ..is nice work on STOPPING!
Second thing I gotta say is you DON'T lose that 5 1/2 months.
That's ludicrous.
I relapsed 8 months..but I did not lose the 4 or 5 months of sobriety I had last year. It was an incredibly eye opening experience. And I learned so much ...tools that are coming back to me again. Memories like I had today..when I counted out $300 cash I have acquired in a cup in short order...same cup I used last summer and watched it grow, grow, grow....
I relapsed last friday..for one day. I didn't lose the 3 weeks I had previous.
Buuuuut...
I did pick a new sobriety date simply as the starting point for my ongoing continuing sobriety. Know what I mean? It's like if you're whackin a paddle and ball (ya know the one with the attached elastic string?). You might get to 100 but when you lose momentum...ya kinda have to start over at 1 and better your last go?
Nothing takes your efforts and growth in a previous sobriety. Just my two pennies...
As to the hungry beast awakened...ya...that's a bugger.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hey Arctic,
Good to see you posting a thread but I'm sorry you're struggling. Two things:
1. If certain places and situations are triggering for you, don't do it. Don't go. So many people relapse because they deliberately put themselves in situations that are triggering for them or even that had caused slips and relapses already previously. Environmental triggers are unfortunately huge in addiction, I think it's best to avoid them at least in the earlier phases of recovery (1-2 years) as much as possible. You owe yourself putting your sobriety first for a while. Probably you could find a way to give your kids a vacation, maybe someone else could go with them?
2. I totally understand how annoying it is when we slip after a longer period of time (even shorter) and can't say anymore that we have been sober for that amount of time, technically. I also disliked counting in the beginning, especially when I once "innocently" just took two sips from a friend's cocktail in a restaurant after about 2 weeks of abstinence... I told myself I was just curious how it tasted. Then I thought, maybe next time I would have a full glass... so I personally found it helpful to adjust my sobriety date to discount that time, as a reminder. That's how it can be useful, I think. Of course you should do whatever is most helpful to you, it's also not good to make ourselves feel overly frustrated and disappointed.
You have been doing so wonderful, I know that you have anxiety and other problems, it's a great achievement to work on your health this way! Don't risk it now for one beer, it's really not worth it!
Good to see you posting a thread but I'm sorry you're struggling. Two things:
1. If certain places and situations are triggering for you, don't do it. Don't go. So many people relapse because they deliberately put themselves in situations that are triggering for them or even that had caused slips and relapses already previously. Environmental triggers are unfortunately huge in addiction, I think it's best to avoid them at least in the earlier phases of recovery (1-2 years) as much as possible. You owe yourself putting your sobriety first for a while. Probably you could find a way to give your kids a vacation, maybe someone else could go with them?
2. I totally understand how annoying it is when we slip after a longer period of time (even shorter) and can't say anymore that we have been sober for that amount of time, technically. I also disliked counting in the beginning, especially when I once "innocently" just took two sips from a friend's cocktail in a restaurant after about 2 weeks of abstinence... I told myself I was just curious how it tasted. Then I thought, maybe next time I would have a full glass... so I personally found it helpful to adjust my sobriety date to discount that time, as a reminder. That's how it can be useful, I think. Of course you should do whatever is most helpful to you, it's also not good to make ourselves feel overly frustrated and disappointed.
You have been doing so wonderful, I know that you have anxiety and other problems, it's a great achievement to work on your health this way! Don't risk it now for one beer, it's really not worth it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
You need to accept that abstinence doesn't cure or heal the problem, your sister basically convinced you of the opposite, but good job on stopping yourself, it could have been worse.
The 1st drink in whatever form it takes as you put it nicely does truly awaken the beast once again, it hasn't gone away through abstinence!!
Keep pushing through!!
The 1st drink in whatever form it takes as you put it nicely does truly awaken the beast once again, it hasn't gone away through abstinence!!
Keep pushing through!!
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by ArcticSA 
I am all confuddled.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but I refuse to start over because of that one beer, still at 5 and 1/2 months in my book.
ANYWAY, my problem is now, that one beer seems to have awakened the beast.
the above is why you might want to rethink resetting your sobriety date. by attempting to OVERLOOK the fact that you drank WILLINGLY and opened a SECOND willingly, gives the beast just that much more of a foothold. it can say, ok, so we can GET AWAY with a couple of beers and still call it sobriety, it will be fine, trussssst me. and that could lead to 3 or 4, then maybe once a week, for special occasions, when nobody's looking, and next thing ya know......
SOBRIETY means not drinking at all, ever. no short cuts. but then i'm old skool, so take what you like and leave the rest!!!
ANYWAY, my problem is now, that one beer seems to have awakened the beast.
the above is why you might want to rethink resetting your sobriety date. by attempting to OVERLOOK the fact that you drank WILLINGLY and opened a SECOND willingly, gives the beast just that much more of a foothold. it can say, ok, so we can GET AWAY with a couple of beers and still call it sobriety, it will be fine, trussssst me. and that could lead to 3 or 4, then maybe once a week, for special occasions, when nobody's looking, and next thing ya know......
SOBRIETY means not drinking at all, ever. no short cuts. but then i'm old skool, so take what you like and leave the rest!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I hope you can stay clear. I remember when you first were posting and it's really encouraging to hear you've been free for a good stretch of time.
It's funny how just the little slip can lead to so much more.
Here's a snippet of lyrics that describes that to me. It's from a good song called "Chet Baker's Unsung Swan Song"
It's funny how just the little slip can lead to so much more.
Here's a snippet of lyrics that describes that to me. It's from a good song called "Chet Baker's Unsung Swan Song"
My old addiction
Is a flood upon the land
This tiny lifeboat
Can keep me dry
But my weight is all
That it can stand
So when I try to lean just a little
For just a splash to cool my face
Ahh that trickle
Turns out fickle
Fills my boat up
Five miles deep
Is a flood upon the land
This tiny lifeboat
Can keep me dry
But my weight is all
That it can stand
So when I try to lean just a little
For just a splash to cool my face
Ahh that trickle
Turns out fickle
Fills my boat up
Five miles deep
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,352
I remember you very well because you quit right around the same time I did in 2013. Plus you are a cheesehead so you are close to me on the globe (I'm from MN).
The first time you went back out was because of a planned glass of wine for a anniversary dinner right? I had ended up using right around the same time you did. My slip stayed a slip because it ended badly in that I got sick right away. You kept it to 2 drinks that night and didn't see it as a problem. That ended up leading you right back out.
You are here posting about it asking for help. It seems you learned something from that relapse. Trust yourself on this one. You know exactly were this is going.
Nobody thinks I needed to quit either. My husband doesn't understand why I can't just cut back. I could go get a bottle right now and nothing would be said to me. The reason I don't it because I know how this goes. So do you Artic.
As far as resetting your sobriety date the best advise I have ever heard on here is "which date is most likely to keep you sober?" If you keep it at that one incident it doesn't really matter and if you let this become the start of a full on relapse you will get a new one anyway. After you hit a year it isn't such a big deal anyway.
I reset mine but I plan to reinstate them right at the 5 year mark. My 5 years will be Feb 10 2018. Until then it is May 1st. meh
The first time you went back out was because of a planned glass of wine for a anniversary dinner right? I had ended up using right around the same time you did. My slip stayed a slip because it ended badly in that I got sick right away. You kept it to 2 drinks that night and didn't see it as a problem. That ended up leading you right back out.
You are here posting about it asking for help. It seems you learned something from that relapse. Trust yourself on this one. You know exactly were this is going.
Nobody thinks I needed to quit either. My husband doesn't understand why I can't just cut back. I could go get a bottle right now and nothing would be said to me. The reason I don't it because I know how this goes. So do you Artic.
As far as resetting your sobriety date the best advise I have ever heard on here is "which date is most likely to keep you sober?" If you keep it at that one incident it doesn't really matter and if you let this become the start of a full on relapse you will get a new one anyway. After you hit a year it isn't such a big deal anyway.
I reset mine but I plan to reinstate them right at the 5 year mark. My 5 years will be Feb 10 2018. Until then it is May 1st. meh
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Sorry I missed this Arctic - there's some great advice here though.
Don't let The Beast get a toe hold. You are in control here.
Be the person you want to be. Life the live you want to live.
Safeguard those 5 and a half months of recovery, and don't throw them away
D
Don't let The Beast get a toe hold. You are in control here.
Be the person you want to be. Life the live you want to live.
Safeguard those 5 and a half months of recovery, and don't throw them away
D
Last edited by Dee74; 06-23-2014 at 11:18 PM.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
how about we call a spade a spade. you relapsed. now, it's not just about the drink. it's about the emotions and thoughts we have when we relapse. if you were in a good state of mind and emotion when your sister suggested the drink, you would have been able to dismiss the suggestion completely. if you couldn't do that, then you needed to take action to help you totally shut down that thought that maybe a drink would be okay. things led up to this relapse before the beer hit your lips and the relapse is continuing in your mind and emotions long after the beer is gone. the question now is what actions are you going to take to clear your head and get back to a state of mind where drinking simply isn't an option. what can you add to your recovery so that the thought of alcohol as a relief isn't stronger than the knowledge of alcohol being a cause of greater stress, anxiety and pain? remember, the drinking is but a symptom of our deeper problems.
a relapse does not negate the sober time one has earned. many of us have had to reset our counters to Day 1. many of us have done that multiple times. it's not a contest to see who can string together the most number of days. there is no goal. the person with 1 day is cheered for as loudly as the person with 54 years. i've seen and heard it happen. what matters is that we are honest and truthful with ourselves. you can keep your sobriety count wherever you want it. it's not there to benefit us. it's there for you and you'll always know where you stand.
also, hello from a former Wisconsinite and still proud Cheesehead. i'm in Seattle now and living amongst these Seahawks fans isn't going to be pretty come fall.
a relapse does not negate the sober time one has earned. many of us have had to reset our counters to Day 1. many of us have done that multiple times. it's not a contest to see who can string together the most number of days. there is no goal. the person with 1 day is cheered for as loudly as the person with 54 years. i've seen and heard it happen. what matters is that we are honest and truthful with ourselves. you can keep your sobriety count wherever you want it. it's not there to benefit us. it's there for you and you'll always know where you stand.
also, hello from a former Wisconsinite and still proud Cheesehead. i'm in Seattle now and living amongst these Seahawks fans isn't going to be pretty come fall.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 556
I do not believe in people castigating themselves over relapse; learn from it and move on. But don't sugar coat it either. Just because you stopped at one doesn't mean this wasn't a relapse. For us, once we take the first drink, we are playing Russian roulette with the outcomes. I'm sure you can play the tape and see where this could have ended very, very poorly. The worry i have is that the next time you are in the same place with a trigger, your tape will play this time where it only ended with a single beer and that actually becomes something to undermine your sobriety further as opposed to supporting it. My advice is to look at what happened to bring you to planning, buying and taking the first drink and figure out how you will shore up your sobriety plan going forward. A relapse can be invaluable information if you use it to change what isn't working. Good for you for coming right back, Arctic. I am really hoping for you - you have been fearless and honest and that has helped you enormously. Turn that same gift on this relapse and I think you are going to be ok.
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