dwtbd

That little bugger woke up probably because she heard you may be thinking that what you are quitting is all the negative consequences of your drinking.
Mine has run that tactic too. "Of course the bad stuff sucks, but that has nothing to do with controlled drinking" he would say. It took me a long time to come back with the real argument , the one where I know I want the negative parts of my drinking to not happen and that I can't separate the two. I didn't drink well, and I couldn't separate the negative effects of drinking from drinking. I realized I only had the ability to quit drinking, the lie he kept feeding me , which I believed or wanted to, was that for me it was possible to drink and not have the negative consequences. But for whatever reason I can't play on the normie team, so I am a committed quitter, we are always looking for outfielders, sign ups are 24/7, tell her to go to hell

Gottalife

Not much point in beating yourself up a our it. I went through similar experiences, though I never managed such a long stretch as 5 months. I relapsed because I was powerless to prevent it. Beating myself up for it makes about as much sense as beating yourself up if the weather went bad on your camp. You'd be powerless to prevent that eh?

The problem was I still had an alcoholic mind. It locks on to the negative stressful stuff, and the slightest suggestion that it might be ok to drink is grabbed with both hands. Go back to old Roland H in the Big Book. The same thing happened to him.

It's not a bad idea to avoid triggering situations if you can, but hiding from triggers is not an effective long term strategy, in my experience.

Eventually I made some choices and took some action that connected me with the required power to stay sober. My alcoholic mind was effectively removed. Many times folks have suggested with all that dry time I should be fine to drink now. It has zero effect. I just smile. It never occurs to me to follow their suggestion.

I lost the power of choice in drink and I never got it back. Instead I was placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected, where I don't even have to make that choice.

Nuudawn

Your post stayed on my mind a long time yesterday Arctic. I couldn't help but reflect on my sobriety here last year. I'm glad Adee actually spoke to what I was gnawing on for a good while after I read your post.

Very early in my sobriety last year...hmmm...I'd say within like two weeks, I attended a celebration for a friend. At one point there was a group celebratory shot where a shot was thrust into my hand. It was an event where only close family and friends were....people I had known for years. I had not shared my sobriety at the point with much of anyone. I didn't want to get into a big ta do about it. I didn't want to feel left out. I didn't want to be the one person not raising a glass for the person of honour. I actually tried to pawn the damn thing of on a person immediately beside me...discreetly..so no one would notice...until I realized it was my friend's 15 year old son.

Anyhoo..I did the shot. I was terrified for a bit that it was going to lead to a full blown relapse. It did not. I kept it a secret here on SR as I was already a member.

I know...that in all the time building up to my eventual relapse...I remembered that shot. I remembered it was only one. I remembered I stopped and it was no big deal (or so I thought).
I think back then I defined my sobriety a little more loosely. I didn't get drunk now did I?
Now...I am going to have to define it a lot more specifically...for myself anyways.

Whatever the excuse...I had a drink...in fear, discomfort, not wanting to feel awkward, not wanting to be different, not standing up for myself yadda yadda yadda...
None of the aforementioned was an excuse to do something I didn't even want to do really...

I think my sobriety definition probably has to come down to ...not one drink...ever. That's for me.

I sure hope to hear your thoughts today.

Raider

I've been thinking about you today also. I don't know what to say about your sober date. Your call, your date. I hope you are ok. Love you.

Raider

Hey how are you?

happyandfree

I think we get too hung up on the days and time...but I don't know how else we can operate. There is no way you lost your 5.5 months. But I think going back to day one only strengthens our resolve. It's a new beginning with a new perspective. Relapse can become habit...it needs to be treated very seriously because like someone said it is Russian roulette. Thank goodness you caught yourself at just one beer. It could have gotten out of hand and the consequences could have been horrible. But you shouldn't beat yourself up for having one beer and going back to day one. Who really cares about the time. It's what we learn and how we feel that is important. You are doing the right thing. You did the right thing by stopping at one. And you are a responsible mother, Artic. Keep up the good work!

ReadyAtLast

How are you doing Arctic? Hope you are feeling better. It's good to see you here and that you stopped when you did

adee

Thinking about you Arctic.

shirlygirly

I was always told that if the intention to drink was there and I pick up a drink, I reset my sobriety date. Otherwise I'll think I can have one drink, or two drinks, or even three, then get right back to my old ways. But that's just me.

I think it's great that you passed on your second drink, but you need to draw a line for yourself here. Otherwise you'll keep bending the rules like this.

And remember, even though you were able to put down that second drink, you're still OBSESSING over the alcohol, which is the center of the disease. So don't let this incident make you think that you can just handle one or two.

Glad to see you back here. Keep coming back and posting, and take care of yourself.

ArcticSA

Thanks everybody. I will tell you how I feel, I feel weak.
Like I am just clinging on, but I don't know how to feel stronger.
Like if someone gave me a good nudge, I'd go slip-sliding away.
It's like the longer I'm sober, the stronger the AV monster gets! Isn't it supposed to get easier!
I'll be honest, I'm scared. All I can do now is stay far, far, far away from triggers.
It doesn't help at all that my entire family is in straight-up denial of the fact I ever had a problem. It's silly to them.
You'll also have to forgive me, this is my "dark-week" and everything is looming and negative, also when I have my worst cravings.
*sigh*

Aellyce

Arctic, I don't recall you saying - are you in any sort of program or help for your addiction and the other fears and issues? Something more than SR and AVRT? If not, perhaps you should consider and work on it diligently. If nothing else, it might take your mind off... and in a good case, it could take you to a new, unexpected phase of recovery. I think simply just fighting is extremely hard for most of us.

TimidTulip

I'm not going to judge a slip/relapse/moment of weakness, that's your business.

However, I would like to suggest some education and a stern talking to for your Husband and Sister? No one should be suggesting alcohol to you, much less watching you buy and drink it.

So sorry you have so little support, must have been tough. But you've done it before, so you can do it again. I know the world looks black right now, but you can do it. I don't know you! But I know you can do it. X

CAPTAINZING2000

It will continue to get worse by drinking

biminiblue

Right. I'm with Captain.

The reason for drinking was?? You didn't really elaborate, but it sounds like there was first some sort of anxiety that your sister observed and thought you could "treat" with alcohol. That may work for normies. For us, we need to figure out how to deal with the initial anxiety.

Serenity is job #1 for me right now, and any person or situation that causes me to go off balance in any way has to be dealt with quickly and decisively. Nothing is worth going back to drinking for me.

I don't know or understand the anxiety you were feeling due to a camping trip. Whatever it was, that is what you need to focus on healing.

hopeful4

I think you should immediately pour out the rest or have your H do it. And then RELAX.

Camping should be fun, not stressful.

The beast may be weakened, but you did not let it take over. Good for you.

You can do this, truly you can.

Good luck and God Bless!

ps...Shame on your sister. I advise you to have a long talk with her about how you want and need to be sober and how hard that really is.

KAD

Don't scratch that itch! How often did we hear our parents tell us that? As an analogy, I am extremely allergic to poison ivy/oak, and the itch is much more than superficial. It feels deeply penetrating, like it reaches down to my soul. Years ago, I related drinking alcohol to scratching that itch. Once you get started, it's like you can't stop and all it does is get stronger, more intense, and more inflamed. But if you leave it alone, and possibly treat it with something that helps it heal, it will get better. It will clear up and go away. But you have to remember, from then on, to forever recognize and avoid the source, so as not to repeat the experience all over again.

Nuudawn

I'm so grateful for your update Arctic. You have been in my thoughts. I am sorry that you're family is more of a hindrance than a support (as in they support denial of a problem you desire to address).

I am reminded of when someone puts on 5 or 10 pounds and is then taking active efforts to lose it. When someone notices they are working on it...they will often be met with "oh c'mon..you don't need to lose weight?'

What business is of theirs anyway? What's their payoff? What about someone showing restraint (that they perhaps cannot themselves achieve) makes them feel they need to comment.

It's not like a person is sitting in a dejected puddle of pain..crying I"m so fat...I'm so fat..then someone making a supportive comment would be in alignment.

Someone trying to hinder any efforts for self improvement...well, it's about THEM..not about YOU.

Victoriarose

I was kinda the same had 4 months felt confident. Said I can have a little no one will know. Well I did drink. and.... here is am trying to be sober again.
just my story. I wish I had not started again.