growpath

Not really sure where I am going to go with this thread but I promised myself if I ever felt like "giving up" I'd come here first.

I came here April 20th when I made the decision to give up alcohol after a verrrrryyyy long battle with it. I am not fooling myself saying it is not still a battle mostly bc I think about it every freaking day. But I have realized I can't drink alcohol, ever, period. Every single thing I have in my life depends on my sobriety. When I drink, nothing else matters but that next drink.

I guess you can say I didn't really "quit" I just straight surrendered. Alcohol pretty much defeated me and it literally stopped working. It hasn't been fun for years! I got to the point where suicide was the only thing I thought about when I drank. What scared me most is that maybe one day the voices would win. Funny thing is though the only way those voices stopped was when I stopped drinking.

Alcohol defeated me long ago but my addiction was still hanging on with whatever string of trickery it could to make me believe I would somehow get my drinking "under control". I wasted well over 5 years on that lie. It'll never happen I realized that 63 days ago. Well I realized that long ago but finally accepted that fact then.

I am having on of those "what's the f'n point days"....one of those "poor me days" I keep repeating to myself "get out of yourself...and tomorrow's a new day".... blah. I guess I need a friend....anyone? Today is day 63 sober for me. Things are going really well. I feel healthy, happy & content on not drinking most days BUT damn today sucks But just guess I need some people who can relate.

iam2antsy

63 days is awesome!! i only have a few at a time...but i can relate.

Nuudawn

I'm out here. What is it that's eating at ya? I HATE those days. It's like nothing is different than the day previous..but somehow I'm all wah wah wretched.
63 days is a lovely chunk of sober time. I'm back to day 1 today. I slipped yesterday..but I want sobriety more today than I did before yesterday.

FeenixxRising

First of all, well done on 63 days. I can relate. Speaking only for me, I just had to ride out those "why bother" days. Things usually improved in a few hours or by the next day. I do know that I have to spend some time each day building a fulfilling sober life, and reminding myself of the hell I put myself and some family members through.

Personally, I'm working on improving all areas of my life: intellectual, emotional, physical and spiritual. That keeps my focus on what I can do and not on the things I can't do.

Dee74

I find making a daily commitment to post here, and get involved can help get you get through those whats the point days.

The other things is try and still have a full life - I was miserable cos I couldn't think of anything to do that didn't involve drinking...but there's no need to sit at home like a hermit.

There's lots to do. Sober life can be dull and boring or fun and full..it's really up to how much work we want put in I think

congrats on 63 days
D

D

ScottFromWI

Hey grow path...Congrats on 63 days. Towards the end I drank because I had to also, that was hell. Bad days happen sober or not, just remember how much better prepared we are to cope sober. You'll make it...stick around here with SR as long as you need to.

FeenixxRising

BTW, are you working any type of recovery program growpath? Exploring all the available recovery options is a good way to keep yourself busy. You don't have to commit to any program, but trying out meetings of the various programs (AA/NA, SMART, LifeRing, SoS etc.) can be beneficial.

growpath

Thank you everyone for the responses! They mean so much to me!!!

Feenixx - I am not I have SMART on my list to try. I keep making excuses not to go. Hold me to it, FEENIXX make me go this week Honestly I think I am getting to the point that I am going to NEED a group "like me" that can relate such as you people here on SR I am not in denial that my struggle is frightening me a bit. I don't want to drink again. If I pick up again I don't know how much longer I got in me. I see that. I don't have another relapse in me. I really am scared if I pick up again I may not come back! Yes .....group, support, help I NEED THAT! And I need to quit making excuses and go! I know this disease is bigger than me but I ultimately will make the decision to not drink or drink. And I am choosing to NOT! FOREVER! I know staying sober takes more work that just going to the gym, reading and writing as I am doing now. I just need to take action!

You are all right. I need to start building a more busy life. I have to change everything I was used to.

I don't feel so lonely anymore...thanks everyone!

FeenixxRising

By all means check out the SMART meeting. You have nothing to lose except an hour or so of your time. At the very least you will be spending some time face-to-face with people dealing with the same issue.

pupkin

Major congratulations on 63 days, grow. I'm constantly amazed that we can feel so much better sober and see so much clear evidence all around us that life is better sober yet still have days like that. It's so frustrating, and the frustration only compounds matters (at least for me). Fortunately days start over from scratch every 24 hours Hang tough. You've come too far to chuck in the towel. Congrats again!

MythOfSisyphus

Acceptance is difficult for us all. I had to accept that I simply couldn't drink. I accepted that before I even stopped. Just as difficult was accepting that I'm not a kid anymore, that my life has to be different now.

JoyC

Everyone told me to hang on, it will get better, and it almost made me angry to hear that--but when it did, I am glad I did hang on. And I say the same to you.
Congrats on 63 days...it took me until around that time for the feeling miserable days to start easing up. It's never 100% awesome, but it is a hell of a lot better than any day in active addiction and drinking. And remember, though we want to say this is forever, that can be overwhelming. Take it in an easy chunk and stay in the day. Stay sober today. Do you know how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Do you know how to stay sober? One day at a time.
Support groups are crucial. Fellowship is necessary, have a broad support system: groups, possibly counseling, spiritual growth, healthy habits like eating well and low-impact exercise.
And most importantly for me, when I felt miserable and all in my head, I began to do something kind for another person--not for personal credit--I preferred the person no even know it came from me. Whether it is volunteering, visiting sick and suffering people in different walks of life, speaking kind words to someone, or offering to listen and just be there for a loved one with no expectations that they help me or do anything for me...those things help me get out of my head and feel good.
Heck, you could start by posting encouragement to others on here. I do it now, not to help myself as much as it is a part of the habits I cultivated to be a person I want to be. I want to be the kind of person I can love and respect and be proud of. It all started with choosing a life without substance abuse, but it can, and is, going so much further. Best wishes!
I believe in you!

KAD

63 days is nothing to sneeze at! You're off to a great start. I know it's easy to get bogged down and feel like you're doomed to fail again. Been there, done that, and sorry to say I have relapsed...often, but each and every time it led to immediate regret. Find that support system and stick with it. Isolation is a killer and it's what often led me back to, and kept me in, the bottle. You can make it!

pavaoiztarza

Here is the story. In one barn, there were sheep. There was a shepherd who fed them, rescued them, assisted them and loved the sheep.
However, often cam the thief-shepherd , who would steal them and - kill the sheep.

Let me ask you a question.

What shepherd is speaking these thoughts to you : "what's the f'n point days", "poor me days"

CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE TYPE OF SHEPHERD, WHO SPEAKS TO YOU - GOOD OR BAD ? WHAT SHEPHERD IS IT ?

Anyone wants to join the conversation here ?
Which shepherd is speaking ?

ultradad

Congrats on 63 days!

ForMeForThem

Well done on keeping that promise to yourself. I'm glad you did, reaching out makes it easier to get through those tough days. I know how hard those days can be, especially when they come out of nowhere!

I hope today's a better day for you growpath. Congrats on 63 days

growpath

Awe! What a wonderful thing to wake up to. I woke up with a new attitude and am going to make the best of this. I can choose happiness or misery...both require the same amount of work!
If what I am doing isn't working I need to find what works and I wont find that until I get off my arse and stop making excuses and go explore. I am thinking as suggested; coming here and posting, meetings, starting a spin and yoga class at the local gym, church. Go to bed a bit earlier so I can get up at a decent hour. I need to meet people going through the same things as me. And surround myself with people who have the same desire to NOT drink as me.

GetMeOut - You are TOTALLY right! Isolation is something I NEED to avoid! I am my own worst enemy. I am so very hard on myself in all aspects of my life. I used to think that was a good quality to possess. But in my sobriety I am realizing being a perfectionist is one of my worse qualities, lol.

Joy - What a nice post. Thanks for taking the time to do that and also offer me such great ideas to help my situation! I will be utilizing this posts regularly. I will keep you updated

I thank you guys so very much for everyone who offered any kind of response to this thread. Believe me you all did more than you will ever know Plan to see me around here a lot more often as Dee and Joy suggested coming here will probably help me. It at least allows me to get out of myself and this demented head lol. Also it will keep my priorities in check and constantly remind me why I am sober.
And....
Not that I am looking for a pat on the back but at least you guys "get it". Here, with my small circle of family my sobriety is never recognized positively and most have referred to me as "no fun anymore" that hurts but I know I need to let that go. They call me selfish and that I only care about myself well they are confusing selfishness with me trying to live and me trying to love myself. they will never get it. I have to do whatever I can to keep my sobriety and if that means closing off to people at certain times then so be it. I try to explain to them that without my sobriety I have nothing. They don't get it. They don't realize 64 days without a drink is amazing to me! I have come so far and am definiatly not where I want to be but I am sooooo much further from where I used to be! Ugh, rant done, sorry ha. Another reason I need to find some meetings!

So, today's plan is:
Over Coffee post & read on SR.
Gym
Errands in between
Taking my nephew to the park from 3-6
Laundry
Early night sleep and early rise to get my arse handed to me in spin class tomorrow morning

Simple things, I would not have ANY of that if I would have picked up last night. And if I would have picked up last night I would already be half way into the bag today hating myself. Hello, day 64. Goodbye day 63 and thank you for the lesson Thanks everyone again. I look forward to "growing on this path" with you! (get it..my screen name) ha yeah btw I am a HUGE nerd too

Hawkeye13

It really does get better. The tough days get more and more space between them and they aren't as "acute" as they feel right now.

Good job on your sobriety and on posting when you were feeling strain.

Do something fun to distract yourself today

courage2

Growpath, I'm glad to see you in a good place this morning and on day 64. If you can make it this far, there's no need ever to go backward again!

I've found it really helpful to make daily rituals that support my sobriety, things I do every day: I post on http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html my commitment to the day's sobriety, I post on a gratitude thread, I go to an AA meeting or talk to another alcoholic. Every day. Other things, too.

Also recently as I'm starting to kind of blink and look around at the world, I think it's really important to find some things to replace the positive feelings that you used to associate with drinking. Even little things like looking forward to a bubble bath, though they aren't as intense as the old feelings, will sometimes help you get through a day. And in time if you fill up your life with positive little things, they'll accumulate to a good life. That's what I hope, anyway.

PurpleKnight

Great job on 63 Days!!