I'm so angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
I'm so angry
If anyone is dealing (or has dealt with) a loved one after detox, this would be the time I ask for some help...finally.
In my case I'm talking about my fiancé who is a heroin addict, and abuses or has abused most every kind of drug imaginable. I'm sitting outside his hospital room while he talks to the Addictions Specialist MD. While I should be elated that he is finally in the place he needs to be, I can't help but to feel all the anger that has been festering in my body for months. His parents finally got the message that it's time to get him into treatment ASAP, and he was admitted to hospital last Monday. Really because he had a real bad cellulitis infection and arms were pretty wounded.
It's strange because I've been waiting for this day to come for months and it is here and I'm not "happy". I feel angry, scared, unhopeful, pessimistic, guilt, blame, sadness, and most of all, loneliness. No one has had to put up with what I've been living with and the sadness that has come into my life because of his addiction. So while his family and friends are just starting the whole realization phase of his addiction and out of denial, I'm way out there in left field dealing with a whole other bag of issues.
I love this man and I'm so proud of him to be detoxed now and moving forward with the next steps to recovery with treatment. I feel like an emotional mess and don't want to show that in front of him or get in any way of his progress. But I'm pissed and stressed and tired and don't want to be at the hospital any longer. I want to be enjoying a Saturday night out or even relaxing at home with him and my dogs (who are also not with me, they're at pet hotel). Why do I have to be so selfish? I'm conflicted and I know I need my therapist on speed dial at this point, but just don't know how to deal with all this emotion that's pouring in all directions.
It feels good to let this out to public, instead of my own journal. Thanks for listening, if you are reading this.
Peace and Love.
In my case I'm talking about my fiancé who is a heroin addict, and abuses or has abused most every kind of drug imaginable. I'm sitting outside his hospital room while he talks to the Addictions Specialist MD. While I should be elated that he is finally in the place he needs to be, I can't help but to feel all the anger that has been festering in my body for months. His parents finally got the message that it's time to get him into treatment ASAP, and he was admitted to hospital last Monday. Really because he had a real bad cellulitis infection and arms were pretty wounded.
It's strange because I've been waiting for this day to come for months and it is here and I'm not "happy". I feel angry, scared, unhopeful, pessimistic, guilt, blame, sadness, and most of all, loneliness. No one has had to put up with what I've been living with and the sadness that has come into my life because of his addiction. So while his family and friends are just starting the whole realization phase of his addiction and out of denial, I'm way out there in left field dealing with a whole other bag of issues.
I love this man and I'm so proud of him to be detoxed now and moving forward with the next steps to recovery with treatment. I feel like an emotional mess and don't want to show that in front of him or get in any way of his progress. But I'm pissed and stressed and tired and don't want to be at the hospital any longer. I want to be enjoying a Saturday night out or even relaxing at home with him and my dogs (who are also not with me, they're at pet hotel). Why do I have to be so selfish? I'm conflicted and I know I need my therapist on speed dial at this point, but just don't know how to deal with all this emotion that's pouring in all directions.
It feels good to let this out to public, instead of my own journal. Thanks for listening, if you are reading this.
Peace and Love.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Ummm...you have been through a heck of a lot if you have been living through his addiction. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel it all. You've been through the wringer sista. So you think you are supposed to take all this in stride? C'mon on now...you're a human whose been dodging bullets for gawd knows how long.
You're worn out. And perhaps you have been so distracted by his stuff...you haven't had time to feel you're own stuff..
He's under care right now...
So whose their to care for you?...now that you are allowed to feel for the first time in a long time maybe.
You're worn out. And perhaps you have been so distracted by his stuff...you haven't had time to feel you're own stuff..
He's under care right now...
So whose their to care for you?...now that you are allowed to feel for the first time in a long time maybe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
It seems like I keep thinking and asking that same question you bring up, who is there to care for me? I don't know. And even that answer makes me sad. I keep going and leaning to him because I want HIM to care for me. While knowing he can't really do that right now. The people closest to me really don't understand this whole addiction thing and it seems like I just keep defending him or making excuses about why I love him. I'm sick of explaining and just want to be cared for. I don't know how to achieve that quite yet.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
You got you. I know that sounds trite...but you need to be very gentle with you. Don't be beating yourself up for feeling lonely and scared and confused. These are all rightful feelings. You've been giving more than you been getting back. And that is exhausting and painful. Have you considered a support group like al-anon? There you will find compassionate ears...people who get it like only folks who love addicts can. That's a pretty healing thing..have people who understand to hear our stories.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome Krl015 
I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you found us
It''s natural I think to feel all these feelings. You;re cared for this person, been through all that - now he's being cared for - but what about you?
You'll find support and understanding here and in our Family and Friends forums too
D
I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you found us
It''s natural I think to feel all these feelings. You;re cared for this person, been through all that - now he's being cared for - but what about you?
You'll find support and understanding here and in our Family and Friends forums too
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
It is so difficult to love an addict! These feelings are natural, you have probably stuffed them down for quite a while......be prepared for more to come.
It will probably get worse before it gets better, I'm afraid. You mention you have a therapist......that is the best place to start. You aren't alone.
Remember all of your feelings are valid and the only way out is through.
It will probably get worse before it gets better, I'm afraid. You mention you have a therapist......that is the best place to start. You aren't alone.
Remember all of your feelings are valid and the only way out is through.
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