Broken222

Hello- Im no stranger to embarrassment from drinking but I feel my problem is more egregious tonight and I'm desperate to find someone who's experienced something similar and survived or even thrived. I've been an alcoholic of the binge variety for about a decade but with no binges for about a year. I have been married for 6 years and we have a child. I went through a very dark foggy period about 4 years ago fueled by booze and pills and I partied a lot despite being a mom. My child was always cared for but it still makes me sick to think of my weekend binges. I cheated on my husband during that time with 2 different people while under the influence of a lot of klonopin and alcohol mixed which clearly put me into blackout. I sort of recalled the cheating but buried it deep. I also gave him a minor STD which we both just shrugged off at the time. I never talked about the cheating until 5 days ago when I told him everything. Our marriage was pretty bad back then but got better. I felt I needed to come clean and give him that power back. He deserved to know what I'd done and make his own choice about us. I'm in that limbo. I'm in that place of desperation and the unknown. He says be doesn't care it was long ago he can't forgive me. This will always be between us. He said he can't decide what to do because divorce is about as equally horrifying as staying married to me. We have a kid. If our marriage ends it's my fault and I feel I will have ruined my child's life. It will be my fault. How can I live with that? I know the cheater is the enemy. I deserve this pain and this hell but am I alone? Any advice, insight, or stories would be appreciated so much. Thank you.

Dee74

Hi Broken222 - welcome

I have no experience myself with this, but I'm sure you'll hear from others.

I am a husband tho.

Give your husband a little time. This is a bombshell - and one that's been kept a secret from him for a while.

He's gonna need a little space to work it all out in his head.

I know it's rough being in limbo but you'll find support and understanding here

D

Broken222

Thanks D

Tang

While I haven't done what you did, I have done other questionably immoral acts while under the influence. All I can say is look forward and it's easier sober.

Verte

Hi Broken222 and welcome to this great forum

Friends of mine have been in similar situations on both sides of your story. Excuse me if it sounds obvious but the infidelity seemed to be a signal of something else going on with the individual primarily and the marriage secondarily.

You said that you have a history of binging with alcohol and benzos but have not binge drank in the last year. Have you had the time to focus on what might be going on with your life? And then within your marriage? Do you have any good supports in place like a therapist or counselor?

Totally agree with Dee about giving your husband time and space to process the news.

People and great advice are here for you

Broken222

I have had time to reflect which is what led to me talking to him. Our marriage was bad and I was in a bad place although I don't know why yet. I have a counselor starting Monday. Thanks for your response.

Notmyrealname

Yup, counseling. That was my thought off the bat.

Thepatman

The best thing you can do is remain sober.

The rest are the fall outs. Make them part of your recovery and face the consequences head on. Easy?

I destroyed the relationship with my son's mom because of my drunken stupor. Today? We are best friends and my son is flourishing. Looking back it had to happen exactly as it did. It was my bumpy road to recovery. I acknowledge that rough "trail" I took but it brought me to the sobriety highway. Today I'm just cruising with my windows down.

That being said, what is done is done. You can only move forward until I finish inventing my travelling machine.

Be we'll and be kind to yourself. We people with addictions have an amazing way of bashing our heads against walls needlessly.

ReadyAtLast

Hello. you can't und what you have done. The only thing you can do is remain sober to ensure nothing like this happens again. whether your husband forgives you or not is his decision and unfortunately you have no control over this though things do improve with time. All you can do is move forward and do all you can not to drink. The fact he has not already gone I would see as a good thing though and maybe he already knew deep down you'd been unfaithful if he had an STD so maybe it's just the shock of confrontation. time does heal

SnoozyQ

Broken , I'm sorry you feel so tortured. Some things are best left unsaid .
I feel like you feel you deserve to have emotional pain inflicted upon you .
But why so ? You have been doing it to yourself for long enough .
I am mortified at memories of things i have done whilst drunk !

I cant change ANY of it , i can only learn from it and make sure it never happens again. The only way for me to do that is to stay sober .

Learning to forgive yourself is the first step . I promise you it will get better .

The drunk us , isn't the true us .
Xxx

Broken222

Thanks to you all for responding. It's true the drunk us is not the true us. That person seems dead to me now but my husband is still dealing with her now that I've unleashed the truth. For a split second I thought I should never have told him but for me honesty is a part of recovery and I feel a bit stronger knowing I did something toward that along with getting help for drinking. I just can't believe I did that all those years ago. It still doesn't seem real.

LadyinBC

I think you did the right thing by telling him even though it must have been very hard. Secrets are worse to try keeping. You can't move forward when you hold on to them.

I've made lots of bad decisions while drinking, sleeping with married men was one of them. Definitely not proud of it and it was something I swore I would never do.

Unfortunately we can't go back and change it all we can do is forgive ourselves and show our amends by working on ourselves.

You will get through this, you are stronger than you think .

Mountainmanbob

I have done things such as this way back in my past but never confessed and not with the wife that I have now. The pain of it all still wreaks sadness in my heart mind and soul.

The number one thing in these matters is to Repent and know deep inside that we would never repeat the same.

You sound to be there for sure.

We are not perfect people but as you know we have no excusses for what we have done.

Do your best to be the Wife and Mom that God wishes for you to be (every day.)

Your Husband will probably forgive you in time.

Yes, it takes time to heal the wreckage of our past.

For us to stay clean and sober helps in a great way not to repeat our past.

Mountainman

aasharon90

I have done dishonest things in my life
as well when under the influence of alcohol
as well as sober back in the day. However,
I use my recovery program and Faith to
guide me all along the way of my journey.

Remorse, guilt and shame come with the
territory when we are under the influence.
When we get sober and use a recovery
program to our benefit, we don't have to
make the same mistakes we use to do.

Honesty eventually comes to us as a wonderful
gift in life and sobriety when we stop deceiving,
manipulating, lieing, cheating etc. to ourselves
and others around us.

One thing I have learned about becoming
honest in all our affairs is pretty tricky because,
even tho we want to clean up wreckage of
the past and make right the wrongs we've
done in hurting others, we don't want to rush
into it if it will cause more harm than good.

In my situation, I thought I had to emmediately
confess of my infedility to my spouse, in which
I did, but later learned I didn't have to rush so
quickly in doing so. I was nieve and wanted emmediate
gratification for being totally honest.

At that time in early recovery I wanted to be
sober so bad and wanted a clean slate to
begin a new life in sobriety. Yes, it did hurt
my spouse when I shared of my infedlity and
was warned if I drank again then my azz would
be out of the house.

Over the yrs. I remain sober and worked
my program all to the best of my ability
even tho I struggles with happiness in my
marriage.

If dishonesty came into play again, I used
my teaching and learning within my recovery
program to guide me into the right direction
as to not hurt others around me. That's if I
was not able to be honest with them in a
way as to hurt them.

If I couldn't be totally honest within my
life, marriage and didn't want to hurt them,
then I chose to get out of it because, in my
heart, soul and mind, it wasn't fair to leave
them in the dark because of my dishonesty.

I felt that they deserved to be free and
happy and I couldn't be totally honest
with them.

With much praying and placing my will
and life over to a Power greater than I,
my HP - Higher Power, God of my understanding,
I was able to depart from my 25yr marriage
peacefully where we both moved on in our
own lives.

We both eventually remarried, and because
I could finally leave the past in peace, I was
blessed with the gift of honesty in my new
marriage and life which opened a door to a
new freedom in recovery that I had never
known before.

Lesson learned for me is, if I cant be totally
honest in all my affairs with others, then get
out as to not hurt them.

Mags1

Hi Broken welcome to the forum.

We beat ourselves up for our actions when drunk and I am learning to let go of the past. It's not easy and I made a lot of mistakes and consequently pushed my husband into someone else's arms. That is the past. We have moved on still together at this time.I hope you and your husband can work through this.

I agree drink makes us what we aren't, we almost lose our conscience between right and wrong.

Give your husband time and space tp process his mind around this. He is confused albeit he knew deep down he now feels he has to act on what you've told him.

Be kind to yourself, I would imagine drinking is the last thing on your mind.

Keep visiting us, lots of people will come along with similar experiences.

desypete

hi broken
that is some honest confession there and the fact is you didnt have to tell your partner yet you did
and that in my book would win over anything

my ex wife would always cheat on me drunk or sober and she would never confess i was driven mad by it all as i clung on to her wanting so much to believe in her.

but to read your post and what you did was just the best read i have had in a long time i know how hard it would of been to do it and also that it might cost you your relationship but the courage you have shown would win me over a thousand times over

we all make mistakes in life and do things we shouldnt do but if we are honestly truely sorry as you clearly are then i can only hope your partner can find forgiveness in his heart for you

but just wanted to say a huge well done for your actions that takes real courage as you didnt need to do it
please update us on what happens next as i really hope the right outcome will come your way
good luck to you

Broken222

Thank you all so much for the encouragement. I am in a truly desperate place and your reaching out gives me something to hang onto right now. I hope he forgives me. I'd do anything. Not drinking again is a no-brainer and I'm getting help. I've already done a lot of fixing over the years since the indiscretions but there is so much more to do.

Sasha4

I think Desey is right.
Now you can put it behind you.
It happened.
You are not proud of what happened.
Let me assure I have done things I thoroughly cringe about. Things I find hard to talk about today.
I am right at the top of the list for doing horrible things while drinking. And probably things done the day after to cover things up when I had sobered up. The lies, the excuses, the denials.

What I would say in my experience is that actions speak louder than words.
If would make promises it would never happen again, then 2 days later I would be thinking beer,rather than spirits was my saviour and solution rather than vodka.
I was drunk cos of vodka not My choices.

2nd put yourself in his shoes.
I know you are desperate for him to say it's okay, let's carry on.
But if you were faced with the information he has just recieved, you would need time to think, decide what to do.

Wishing you the best xx