jdooner

Nu - It sounds like you are thinking the right way - glad you are safe and good luck.

Kris47

Nu,

You are more than you think you are.

And he is less, that much less.

Today is a new dawn and count on it.

Lovely lady..................

phoebe64

I was once in a very addictive relationship. Looking back, I cannot believe that I put up with some of the behavior and evasiveness in him that I did. It is so subtle, when a control freak or manipulator gets hold of your soul. I changed so much. I even changed the socks I wore! Ugh. It really is a wonderful thing when yu are finally free of that.

I often compare my alcohol addiction to him. Back then, I was not addcited to alcohol, but to the euphoria of the relationship, and one before that, but with a nice guy. But the addiction to love and being in love, and drama. Not good.

I hope you can break free. Of all of it.

happyandfree

This is so sad-nuu I hope when you wake up in the morning you will find the strength to say "its my turn" and you will make some healthy choices for your life. You deserve much better than this.

AlcoholFree66

Hi Nuudawn - you really sound like you know what you want and that sobriety is the easiest option for you. Start again. It's not like you lost that time and the strength you found in being sober. This time something is changing for me. I know I did to be sober for my own happiness not because I did to be a better mum or wife but for me. Sobriety is number one and the rest will fall into place. Take care of yourself.

Croissant

Hi Hun....I'm confused as to why you spoke to him AFTER you'd just said you wouldn't and ignored his calls and when he was at your door.

But you still then spoke to him?

Why? Why go through all the drama of ignoring him, then allow him to plant the seed that he 'may' (insert sweet tempting carrot) have a mental illness? What on earth were you doing engaging with him?

You listed this relationship earlier as an addiction, I'm sure you will put something in place, like proper counselling to address this, otherwise your sobriety is useless. I think you already know that.

Forget about any kind of intimate relationship for at least 12 months. They say everyone's different, but your history you've shared indicates you project unhealthy needs in your relationships, it isn't just this guy. You need to get these things from yourself and sorted first.

You are a smart, intuitive woman Nu. You can sort out all your business crap, get sober and build a great life. You can reach that point where you are grateful you had the strength to get through any garbage...where you radiate how much you value yourself and your life. Then...I reckon you could meet an equally amazing man, who would love you as much as the love you give to others....and wants to share his life with his ballsy, prickly little lady, who he knows is really a sweet, gentle ball of mush inside.

I see that is possible, more than possible. So should you. But it takes time.

I want you to get there.

Nuudawn

Thanks all. Well...yes, I put myself out there honestly..and y'all's confusion is understandable enough. I am well aware I am not healthy enough for a relationship. And yes, my intimate history is not good....but bear in mind I have been a drunk throughout all of them. I was 50% of the problem.
I have gone NO CONTACT...before. And call me crazy but emotionally releasing this person is what I have to do. I have to let him go. He will not let me go. NO CONTACT amps him up..and he come great barrels then.
I do not profess to be the expert on any of this. And y'all have every right to say what I should or shouldn't be doing. The advice is greatly appreciated.

Success requires that right motivation. And I honestly didn't feel like I had ANYTHING to lose being involved with this man whilst still drinking (sad as that is).
Sobriety is the passage in life I now want.
It is something I want very badly.
You see.....I have something to lose...something dear to me.
And THAT makes a world of difference.

I understand your frustration...but there comes a time for anything and everything to one day be ....enough.
With sobriety I will have continuing clarity.

I am buggered up royally in my own right. I get that. I have issues...that will only be address with a clear and sober head.

I'll get it figured. I liked what I learned in my sobriety last year...I liked how I was starting to feel clearer in only the last few weeks....how fights with this man were actually causing nausea and a desire to throw up. That NEVER happened in the four years worth of fights whilst I was drinking. My body was telling me something...

I have spent years and years under the drunk rock. Did I make a mistake this morning whilst hung over and confused...quite possibly. I don't know.

All I DO know is that it's ME that has to let him go. It is me that has to emotionally vacate this relationship. THAT is the very most important part.

FourSeasons

Hey Nuu! So glad to read that you are getting into a much clearer spot.

I must say that I am worried about you and what you write about your so-called soon-to-be ex-"boyfriend". He sounds like he has major Borderline Personality Disorder traits/symptoms. He also sounds like he could turn into a controlling, possessive, and crazy stalker, if he isn't one already (Trust me, I do know what it is like and it is not easy to get out).

First things first... if he lives with you, then throw him out and change the locks. If he doesn't live with you, then change the locks anyway.

Croissant

Oh, I have no doubt....sometimes it takes an almighty trainwreck for us to see the light.

I admire you for what you share here, Nu. Truly.

Hope you are feeling physically better today. I too have had extreme physical responses to unhealthy people when sober. My Father (who I now realise has BPD) and someone I considered a good friend.

Both are now no longer in my life.

I know - that you know, you have to front up and do this $hit.

Big hugs.xx

soberlicious

Well, yeah. It's known as a response burst. Just like a toddler screaming for candy. When you say no they scream louder. You have 2 choices: hold on through the burst, even when it's hard, until the behavior is extinguished OR give in and reinforce the behavior and get some much needed peace. The problem with the 2nd choice is that very little reinforcement creates a monster.

It took me a long time to fully emotionally vacate the last relationship and I was sober throughout. Don't wait for that. Physically vacate and the emotional part will eventually follow. I had to really look carefully at my own behavior, because despite all my loud protesting about getting out, part of me needed it, fed off of it. I don't know if it will apply to you or be helpful in any way, but a turning point for me was reading Patrick Carnes book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.

Nuudawn

Thank you my friend.
Yes..I have tangled with that monster and succumbed many, many, many times.
I have read my face off ..on this issue...
I was in counselling for a year...on this issue....
The longest he was out of my life was last year...when I was sober.

I need to be sober.
I need to be sober.
I need to be sober.
That's what I'm hanging on to with dear might.

UnixBer

A very creative and interesting post. Maybe Nuu should be a writer or artist.
The addictions... often called devils too.. for that they really are to people.
Sobriety can be achieved. The nicotine monster is familiar to me too. Been trying to quit on and off for a long time. All kinds of nrt and now the e-cigarette... Clearly lets the user know that cigarettes are full of ***t. Yet the nicotine is the real cause of the addiction.

Addiction is the first thing that makes people think they are an idiot, because actions in addiction are without fail idiotic. Doing something one does not want to do, and lies to oneself that they like to do it. Very sad truly. (but it's the truth).

Hope you get your stuff working Nuu. You already have experience in sobriety so maybe you can use that now to make things work. Previously when I fell in my sobriety I learned what made me fall and committed real good to stick with it.

Nuudawn

Yup, yup, yup. Thank you.
And yes, thank you for bringing up my former sobriety.
That is what I want back...and what is fortunately not so long ago..that I don't remember the tools I gained there.
I am so very grateful for that sobriety.
And even for the 3 weeks I had just prior to my Friday relapse.
It's what I want.
Yes, I relapsed...but I have looked at these relapses ..and learned something from both.
I soldier on...
I am not going to spend much time bathed in shame for the falls. I did it. It's over. I know why.
I soldier on.

Thank you Unixber.