hokey

Nuudawn, I am so sad that you are in such a deep, dark tunnel right now. He will keep you there. Leave him behind and step into the light with your friends here. We can do this together, but leave that baggage behind where he belongs. He doesn't deserve you, my friend. You are worth so,so much more than that.

Leshar

Hello Nuudawn,

Please take care of yourself. It's terribly hard coping alone, but this relationship is not serving you well, and from what you've said, I actually fear for your safety.
Try and rest today.
Perhaps you need to stay with a friend or family for a little while, if that's possible?
Sending you love and best wishes.

FreeOwl

water water water... lots of it!!

and if you can find a way to afford it - get a veggie juicer and some local organic produce.

and, go back and read Dee's relationship advice on page two, then immediately take it.

Now... let's get down to business and build a happier, healthier, holistic, new Nuu.

alphaomega

Morning sunshine !

Today marks the summer solstice which means that energetically, it's a damn fine day to clean out our metaphorical closets (you pickin up what I'm puttin down ?)

I wish I could fly to Canada and hold your hand through today. And bring you cool towels, and brush your hair, and give you ginger ale.

We all love you friend. And we are right here...

XO AO

SoberLeigh

And for you, too, AO.!!!!

Morning, Nuu!.

Aellyce

Nuu... I'm so sorry that you are going through this, again. I also know a thing or two about destructive and addictive relationship. I really resonate with Dee in his post, these parts in particular:

I never imagined that I could get so insanely obsessed about another person. Never happened to me before/after. He was also an alcoholic, a nicotine addict, and before all that, had a rare neurological disease that he never told me about... let me figure it out by myself, without help of feedback.

I had a drinking problem before meeting him, but it escalated to extremes during the relationship, also because we indulged in it (and all the mental darkness) together. I thought I loved that guy like I never loved anything or anyone before. Initially, I think I "loved" him because he represented a higher order version of myself... many similar traits, similar values, always looking for potential and something higher...

I also made a gigantic compromise and sacrifice for us when I abandoned my professional and personal plans in the hopes of us realizing something potentially much better together. I still don't know how that could happen to me... but love is a weird construct sometimes.

Long story short: that "potential" never came true. Instead, everything collapsed on me more and more... including my drinking and depression and anxiety... until a point when I somehow just woke up and decided that there was nothing in it anymore.

I left the relationship then, moved to another state, made a big change even in my professional area. Never regretted these. But yeah, struggled with the alcohol for a few more years. And with mental projections still "looking for him" in other people and situations.

I think sometimes we have no better solutions but breaking what's not working, especially after repeatedly trying to make it work.

I hope you feel better somewhat now... or at least keep checking in with us here. I also have those weird moments, wake up many times at night, confused. Still.

Please keep doing this... sobriety business. Even if it's circular and often depressing. Just keep coming back!

Raider

Good morning! It is a beautiful day at the cabin. Not a cloud in the sky. How are we today!!!!

songthread

Just the other day I read something you wrote on here. You said, "People can be triggers." Something I've known all along, yet it was beneficial to me to just see it the way you plainly and concisely stated it. Just that simple statement really helped me that day in regards to some things happening in my life.
You have a big and loving heart and I've gained inspiration from you just from your encouraging and positive voice in your reaching out to others here. You were reaching out to others helping them, probably not even knowing that you were helping me. So thanks.
These matters of relationships are complicated and befuddling, advice is given and things are easier said than done. My gut advice to you is to remove this toxic relationship from your life.
It may be wrapped in pain and desperation at this moment, yet a true opportunity has arrived for you - to really change your life, to really become happier, to establish your independence and to love yourself. To move on. And to gain freedom. Do love yourself and take care, real care, of yourself. If you can be as real with yourself as you've been to others here, you're going to be just fine. And even better than before. Good luck.

Nuudawn

It is indeed a new day.
And the solstice is fine new sobriety date at that (thank you AO : )

Thank you all.
I am feeling a little sheepish today..
But I know why I did what I did yesterday.
I am so very sorry I scared you all ...
I needed to scare myself.
My best self wasn't really registering how unmanageable this relationship truly is.
The crying, screaming crazy wasn't enough...
The relatively new nauseau and wanting to vomit...everytime we have fought since I sobered...
wasn't enough...
I sacrificed my sobriety...I endangered myself..

It will not happen again. He will NEVER take my sobriety again. Never. Ever.
Thank you TPat for the info re BPD.
Yes, he's that in spades.
I ignored his calls all day...
So he showed up and rang my doorbell at 2 a.m.
I did not answer. He left.

Eventually I texted that he is not to contact me again. I advised him that I would involve the police if I have to. I told him that I would be speaking to my brother today who is retired RCMP about what I will have to do for a No Contact.

Apparently...that didn't work. He called whilst I was typing this.

I let him back when I was in relapse. My internal coast guard had taken leave.

Sobriety is the passage I want and require....

Today I will pick myself up, dust myself off...and break free...of all of it.

That's the plan.

Thank you all so very much. I have no words to express the enormity of my gratitude.

Jupiters

great to hear Nuudawn!!!!!
you kick this guy to the proverbial curb and start takin' care of numero UNO!!

(that's you! )

Carlotta

Good morning Nuudawn, I just saw your thread and I am glad you made it back with us.
I hope that today is day one not only in your sobriety but also in a new life. I would strongly recommend that you go no contact with him and get the Mr Number app to block his calls and his texts https://play.google.com/store/apps/d...number.blocker
Also check out the friends and family forum, they have some really good stickies about abuse: just because someone does not physically hit you does not mean you are not in an abusive relationship.
Sending you a big hug and keeping you in my thoughts.

ForgetfulKevin

Dear Nuudawn, that OP was scary. I'm glad you did not really go into a coma.

Sorry to read about these troubles but glad that you have the self-awareness re: your situation.

I have read your sensible, straightforward posts in other threads and I think you are awesome.

Please do whatever it takes to shake free of this. I wish I could say just drop the albatross in your wake but that's probably difficult when the albatross is a stalker.

If possible, please get help from your workplace, your apartment management and the police to keep him away and protect yourself.

Glad you are back. You're a hero.

Nuudawn

Sobriety feels easy compared to this...
I just spoke with him. He is remorseful and says..finally..there is something wrong in his head.Admits that there is "maybe" mental illness.
I couldn't help but notice the nausea I was feeling when I spoke with him.
I just spoke with my brother on the phone. I guess I spoke with him yesterday.
I have no recollection of the conversation.
Gawd...I feel so very awful...and yes, kind of scared.

Pondlady

Please don't waste your time feeling sorry for him and his mental illness. I wasted over two decades of my life like that. He can get help.....it's not your job to do that for him.

Take care of yourself. Stay in touch with your brother and trusted friends/ family. Stay sober.....we can share the same sobriety date - 2 years for me today - hugs.

Nuudawn

Wow...congrats Pondlady!!!Honoured to share this day with you.

soberlicious

I've had several relationships as you describe. Same person, different faces. I hated the realization that I was continuing the drama, but I was. I would block, they would persue. They would persue until I would let them back in and...shock of all days, eventually things would be just as bad or worse than before. My behavior was horrible, but I told myself it was only in response to their behavior. If they hadn't done x, y, or z, then I wouldn't have thrown things/broken things/hit/spit/drank/used...

When I would block and they did not persue...eventually I would find a way to poke the embers and keep the crazy going. "Oh, woe is me, they just won't leave me alone, no matter what I do they just keep contacting me." The truth is...I could (and eventually did) effectively cut out the dead weight completely. It takes some doing, but it can be done. No doubt about it. When I really meant it, eventually they moved on. But I had to really mean it.

The worst of the bad took a while to end, but I did it. I did it the same way I ended my addiction to alcohol. I decided that, no matter what...talking to him was not an option.
No. Matter. What.

Was it easy? Feck no.
Doable? Absolutely.

jdooner

Nuudawn - I have read through this OP. I am sorry you are struggling. I see a lot of projecting and excuses in all of this.

Your relationship is separate from you addiction. I mean this in the best possible way but you need to deal with your addiction first or you will never have a healthy relationship with this guy, with some other guy, it really does not matter. The more you commingle and blame your relationship for you addictions the more confusing your going to make all this for yourself. From the little I know you, it does not seem you are in any shape to even be in a relationship. You need to seriously fix Nudawn and my bet is when you do you will radiate positive energy and attract a mate that is fitting for your new healthy lifestyle.

The more time you spend wallowing in all this drama and using it as an excuse to indulge in your addict behaviors the more you going to feel stuck. At least that is my experience. Fix Nu and start by developing a program to get an remain sober no matter what. If this guy stalks you then get a restraining order or have your brother speak with him. In the mean time, I have always found no contract meaning no calls, not answering his call, not texting works well to send a clear message and not giving in for anything.

By speaking with him today and engaging you are sending signals that to me don't suggest this is over and perhaps might be one of the reasons you are stuck in this cycle that you desperate want to break free from?

Good luck.

Nuudawn

Thank you Soberlicious. I understand everything you are saying.
And JD...well, although I get what you are saying. Behavioural change is a process...not an event. It is in sobriety I will learn how to address things. Identify problems and find solutions.
I am not blaming this man for my addictions. I had them long before he arrived.
Sobriety is my number one priority.
I will do what I need to do...whatever that may be...to stay sober.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
But a victim...I ain't.
I take full responsibility for the choices I make.
Have I let him in over and over and over...?
Yup.
I have changed my number thrice previously. I have tried No contact...over and over ...fruitlessly.
One day ...and I'm thinking it's this one.
It will be enough.

I don't know.
Only time will tell.
All I do know...is
I will NOT put myself in the situation I did yesterday.
And it's pretty clear there is only one way I can do that.

SoberLeigh

From everything you have said, Nuu, this guy is a huge trigger and very unhealthy for you; removing this trigger from your life (and protecting yourself from him legally, if necessary) seems like the first step to me. You can then focus on sobriety without the craziness this guy generates in your life.

soberlicious

I've done all of the above. Even taken him back a week out of jail for assaulting me. Even broken my own order of protection against him by meeting him places, talking with him.

I work with children and when we are addressing problematic behaviors we do a behavior analysis to see what is driving the behavior. Sometimes it's hard to tease out, but the truth is that a behavior only continues when it's being reinforced. Any contact with him at all will reinforce the behaviors on his part. But you know this.

At the time, there was a very dramatic angst to it all for me. I could wax poetic all day about the beautiful painfulness of it all. The deep love that no one else understood. How I was caught and could not break free, like a beautiful helpless wounded bird, yearning to fly free. My love of pain...my brokenness...*sigh* it was all so beautifully tragic.

Looking back with clear eyes, I see there was nothing poetic about it all. It was all hugely dumb. No bird, no helplessness...just a really bad relationship with me at the helm.

I heard it a million times from others, but things only changed when I got real with myself.

When you get enough distance you won't go back. Trust me. If I'm lying, I'm dying.