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I'm a mess....

Old 06-20-2014, 06:46 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Hey Nuudawn

You've always been direct and straight with your advice, all it well intentioned. Rest up and recover first. Then maybe reflect on how you want to move forward and make a plan including a recovery plan. Then take the next step...
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Old 06-20-2014, 07:24 PM
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I am ashamed...
Which means all the more reason I need to expose this
festering manure in my life.
I'm so very sorry...
I'm sorry to post whilst using....
I am dulled by the wine and gravol...
Coma will be soon.....

I'm so very, very, very sorry.....
Ok, we'll have none of that. There is a mountain of difference of coming on this board while using and being curt about it. Being where you are right now is an entirely different story.

Even at where you are my friend the fact that you got that out here and trust everyone enough to say what you needed to say shows strength.

You want to be out of this bad. You know where I am.
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Old 06-20-2014, 07:28 PM
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so sorry to hear it, ND, and Carl, i just came across your thread speaking of your relapse...ouch!

so frustrating and seemingly inexplicable when the "wanting/needing" won't defer to the rational knowing.

sometimes i just hate this thing!
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Old 06-20-2014, 07:44 PM
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I never really know what to say half the time on these forums.
But, I try to give new folks as much encouragement as I can.
And I have often seen you do the same thing, Nuudawn.

I know I'm thankful you are here, as I know many others are.
I hope you'll be able to work through these challenges in life and get back on track.
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:07 PM
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I am sending you hugs, you sound like me 9 or 10 years ago and the relationship that I used to launch my drinking. Time to put it all down and take care of yourself. I'm glad you posted, not everyone would.
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
I am a mess.
I am one beer, and two glasses into a bottle of wine and two gravol into mind numb.. Thank God I had nothing more serious at my disposa (once I took 4 clonaza-suthin someont gave me whilst drinking over yet another epic conflict with this man_.. That was shortly after Whitney Houston died and I later realized they were...benzos".
I wanted sedation. I wanted a coma.

I'm not sure if I will actually submit this. If you read this...I guess I did.
Life without alcohol is difficult enough.
Life without nicotine is difficult enough. Most of the time I satiate that monster with a nicotine patch. I've been using it off and on for about 4 years....alternatively I smoke a few days...couple weeks max...than I slap back on my patch.
I alternate between healthy behaviours and destructive ones.
I read up on addiction and basically anything to do with mental health like a whole other addiction.
I know my stuff..yet I continue to debase myself in whatever destructive action is at my disposal.
The big Kahuna of them all...is this...man (and all his reasonable facsimiles previously ...yet his THE WORST)..
This sick, sick man..
that parts of my brain THINKS it loves.
I was nicotine free for the longest time in my life when I met him. I had weaned myself off completely by the time I met him. We began our relationship..and although still drinking...I was in fact, nicotine free..

Until the first big bobble..his lie..his crazy arrived.
I smoked. I will never forget the day I decided to go to the store and buy a pack. I didn't think he was worth feeling bad about.
I didn't want to emote.
I chose to stuff it all in. I didn't want to feel.
I walked out of my then apartment and paused for fleeting moment in the hallway..my good self screaming NOOOOOOOO....
But the devil on the other shoulder was saying...run...run fast ..go now. Do it ..do it...do it...do it...do it before it's too late.
I succumbed to that devil.....
My eyes are getting heavy...gravol kicking in...

Dammit it. I need to say this. I need to admit I cannot MANAGE this relationship. It's killing me. I know this is not the appropriate forum...or maybe it is?

He makes me lose my good self. Scary thing it feels like the most intimate relationship I have ever had. I have sworn him off far more times that I have ever sworn off alcohol.
There are no words to describe the volatility...the insanity....the screaming banchee crazy of this relationship.
Yet still I return.
Still I believe it can get better. Still I choose the brief but wonderful feelings of intimacy I feel with this man when all is free of conflict and harmonious..

But once again...today...I have been pushed to the screaming outer limits of my sanity...I spent bout 20 mintues in the fetal position simply trying to breathe...
I don't know what happens.
I hyperventilate.
I scream.
I cry.
I can't get my brain back to neutral.
I can't stop engaging despite the ugly core of insanity and rage triggered within me. He continues to call..to tell me..it's all my fault.
I now sit...
My phones are now all turned off.
The blocking app I have applied to my phone is insufficent as I can still access his words...and then like a fool...I react to his hooks. I look..cuz I'm an addict.

I have told him many times he threatens my sobriety. I want recovery.
Today I think I drank..my AV justified it as a mean to say...
LOOK WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU..look how bad you get..
NOTHING and no one makes you hyperventialate
Get nauseaous
Throw up.
My counsellor identified Love Addiction as the big grandaddy of them all.
I am intimacy disordered.
Is this horrid, crazy freakshow relationship....geez..
why does it feel like it's the closest I have ever felt to another human?

I have to get out and I don't know how. Booze and cigarettes don't knock at your door..show up at your place of business...

I will probably not even say this out loud. I will probably delete this.
I have been oh so alone...wine and cigarette my closest companions for most of my life.
I pick the same guy over and over..
But this one is the WORST...
We are insanity....
Ya know that tune by Rhiannon and Eminem...Love the Way You lie?
that song lyric...
"when a volcano meets a tornado" has always screamed at me...

It's sick. Today I was overwhelmed. The last fight I had with him...I almost lost my baby sobriety,...I took 4 gravol instead and waited for sleep to come.

Why can I not extricate myself?
This is GOING TO kill me. Maybe he will.

This morning in conflict over counselling. He had come to me just yesterday with that as a solution...
This morning that solution became a problem...
I am in dire financial straits as he knows...
Suddenly he was too. We couldn't afford counselling
It became an issue...
that grew into just another volcanic eruption.
He lunged at me physically when I noted the money he has here and there...
He did not strike me.
But what man lunges at a women to yell in her face over words...not even words that bad? In an emotional state I just said "you have money for this that and the other (I gave examples) but ...not counselling...
Not the solution you came to when you arrived on my doorstep?

I am so very sorry...something tells me I need to submit this.
I apologize that I am intoxicate as I type this.

Why is a woman so versed on human behaviour, addiction, personality disorders (as I say... I study them like an addiction...so freaking messed up?".

I feel so bizzarely alone....

My AV rationalized ...DRINK...show yourself how BAD this relationship is.
You cannot keep your commitment to yourself on ANYTHING good in your life...with this relationship.
It will never change...
It will never get better...
Counselling cannot begin to attack this....

I have to go. Why is it so hard? Well...as I say...drinks and cigarettes don't chase me physically...

I am so sorry to convolute this board with something outside of substance abuse...but hell, for me, they are all related.

I am ADDICTED to this person...that is every bit as destructive to my peace and well being..
as any substance...

I thought about hiding this relapse....because well...I am pretty sure I can get myself off alcohol and cigarettes...(not that it will be easy..at all....I got 3 plus decades of running to both...to not FEEL)
If I release this man....
So the best thing for me was to put this out there as "my truth"...

I am ashamed...
Which means all the more reason I need to expose this
festering manure in my life.
I'm so very sorry...
I'm sorry to post whilst using....
I am dulled by the wine and gravol...
Coma will be soon.....

I'm so very, very, very sorry.....
Oh Nuudawn
Recovery is hard enough, you don't need an another addicting in a man, he is obviously one reason why you fell of the wagon. I truly know the feeling about the angel and devil on each shoulder. My man is supportive and helpful, but trust me relationship is Far from perfect, because the man I'm addicted to happens to be married, just not to me.
DO NOT feel ashamed or sorry, we are all here to support you in this, you are always the biggest cheerleader. Few stay sober the first time, feeling off is part of the game.... I will suggest you get some medical help, maybe they help you with your anxiety or panic attaches. I will be thinking of you, !!!!!!!
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Old 06-20-2014, 08:56 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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I wish I had some Nu wisdom for you. That is a lot to have thrown on you at once. I have faith in you though.
Quote of the day from my fav quote site

June 20, 2014 12:53 pm


"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength."

— Dalai Lama

There was one a couple of days ago about straightening your crown and walking away like a boss. (That's so you)
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Old 06-20-2014, 09:18 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Oh dear, dear, Lord....
I just awoke...
I must have passed out near the dinner hour last night.
I think I may have spoken to someone in my family...not sure as of yet.
First thing I have done is (apart from the giant glass of apple juice) is logged on here...

THANK YOU all so very much for your support. I can't even begin to thank you all...the wisdom..the words...the PM's...I can't even begin..

I hurtled myself into this forum last night...like a woman on the 28th floor into one of those emergency ...gawd my brain is so messed I can't think of the word...blow up device thingamajiggy's...

Thank you.
I cannot let this human (OH my gawd is he?) into my life. I was screaming, crying, losing my head, my soul...all over the place...yet he continued to call....
He just called now...

Thank you all...
There are no words...
The posts that made my eyes tear up...
Thank you..

I am sorry..yet I am not...I exposed the deepest ugliness in my life...far greater than the rest.
It talks..it moves...it shows up...
None of the others chase me down physically..
Yet they too are hard enough to walk away from...

Thank you. I will re read all of these when I am...more lucid.
I just wanted you all to know...

I'm okay. I woke up in my clothes..all the doors of my home open...
To quote someone...somewhere on this board who said something that resonated so very deeply with me for some reason...

I pulled the boat right out.
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Old 06-20-2014, 09:45 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Hey Nuudawn. You're a smart cookie and already know everything I could possibly say. So sorry you're hurting, though.

Nuudawn = tomorrow, and vice versa. In the meantime, please stop punishing yourself for feeling. You don't deserve what you're dishing out.

Easy words to say Sleep if you can. Will look for you tomorrow.
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Old 06-20-2014, 09:46 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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We crossed posts--great to hear you back. . .
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Old 06-20-2014, 09:47 PM
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Nuuk I'm so glad you are back with us, remember no blame or shame, just start over, and if both alcohol and smoking is too much right now, stop the alcohol, and concentrate on the smoking later...... One advise though, change your phone number and maybe even your lock. Feel better soon.....
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Old 06-20-2014, 10:08 PM
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Oh my gawd...it's still today. I woke up at bout 8:30 and I thought it was morning...
At about 9...I thought the day looked oddly dark....
This is bad.
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Old 06-20-2014, 10:09 PM
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Bendertime ™ is weirder than the Twilight Zone...

But right now, this, can be the start to a climb back

D
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Old 06-20-2014, 10:10 PM
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Oh hun, big hugs to you. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 06-20-2014, 10:23 PM
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Hi Nuudawn, it's a 'new day, a new dawn' , thinking of you. Love Magsxxxx
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Old 06-20-2014, 10:31 PM
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Nuu, so glad you're relatively ok. Please take care of you! *hugs*

You CAN do this! You deserve some serenity.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 06-21-2014, 04:18 AM
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Nuudawn I have only just seen this thread. Addicted to him or not, he must be gone from your life, cigarettes and booze you can recover from but not a toxic relationship that stinks up your entire life. You are better than any toxic relationship Nuu, you are better than a relationship where a man lunges at you, what next? He has to be gone from your life, then we can all support you along the sobriety road -- you won't be alone.
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Old 06-21-2014, 04:28 AM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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morning lovely soul...I sure hope you are feeling better today today is a "Nuu"dawn day!
grab another big ole glass of apple juice and brush yourself off!
Find the strength to let this person go for he is dead weight and you deserve to soar!
I'll be sending you prayers and positive vibes today lady!
*HUGS HUGS*
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Old 06-21-2014, 06:20 AM
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I have no wise words, but I wish you the best coming out of this. Take care of yourself first
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Old 06-21-2014, 06:45 AM
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We are all on your side here, I think NMD summed it up well.
Originally Posted by nmd View Post
I have no wise words, but I wish you the best coming out of this. Take care of yourself first
Please be kind to yourself and take care
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